Monday, August 14, 2017

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"The old and new make a perfect companion."

Hard to Love - Calvin Harris (w/ Jessie Reyez)
Finding You - Kesha
Lost Boy - Teddy Beats (w/ Sharon Desiree)
I Could Use a Love Song - Maren Morris
Go or Go Ahead - Rufus Wainwright
Supermodel - SZA
Figures - Jessie Reyez
Focus - H.E.R.
Something to Tell You - Haim
Malibu - Miley Cyrus 
I Count the Minutes - Ricky Martin 
Change the World - Eric Clapton (w/ Babyface)
Congratulations - Post Malone (w/ Quavo)

Sunday, August 13, 2017

3 Little Pigs

One ex-boyfriend thinks I want him back,
another doesn't know I want him back,
and one knows I definitely don't want him back but insists I'll come around one day anyway

The thing that obviously broke us all apart: we were never-ever on the same page

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Lost

I've stopped living life
I've just been sitting around and waiting
for someone to come grab me
however, no one ever reaches out,
but there I go again
insisting that patience is a virtue and if I hang tight
someone will take care of me
I've got all these feelings bottled up inside
I lie in bed at night just thinking and praying and hoping
this is not how it's supposed to go, though
I'm not supposed to put a pause on my life while everyone is on the go
but it's not enough to realize this
I've got to do something
I just don't know where to begin
how to start
when to let go

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The Beatdown

Accidentally browsing through an ex-boyfriend's Instagram account
is tantamount to jumping in front of a streetcar
I feel beat-up
suckered into this curiosity
gut-punched by emotions I thought I could handle,
underestimating its ferocity
like a storm chaser without the proper gear to evaluate what's coming
insides all mangled
nerves jangled
a human devoured beyond repair
your happiness is a weapon I thought I could shield!
I'm angrily fixated on what was
and there you go just living

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Killing Me

Dear Grams:

I remember thinking everything would be all right
as soon as I saw your lifeless body on the hospital bed
I thought:
don't worry, you'll be taken care of
you won't want for anything
because you did your part
you watched over her all those years no one else did
and you will be rewarded for that

but every day seems to feel like a punishment
you're gone
everyone else seems to have followed suit
your soul is dancing in the heavens like it ought to be
you're safe and sound
happy and free
and I'm all alone here

I think I'll be gone soon, too
I fight these thoughts but I can't tell you how easy it seems it'll all be
if I could just grab a knife and slit my wrist to join you

That sounds morbid, I know
but I don't know any other way
and I don't think I can stand another day here
these days here are killing me

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Wait

It's not too late like you think it is
It's early yet, even though it feels like it's not
relax, pray, let go
waiting is a part of life
the world's a waiting room, you see
and it feels like your name will never be called
but hold steady
keep still
don't let the wait drive you crazy
you will be next

Friday, August 4, 2017

Baby Boy

Humans aren't born with the knowledge they eventually secure
Lessons happen
and we can't blame the unknowing
is it fair to fault a child who can't walk on his own at first breath?
I wasn't born with the right mind to know
Don't shoot me for needing a lesson or two

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

El

"You smoke?" El asks behind a shy smile.  "I brought a jay."

Me'Shell plays in the background...

"What's a jay?" I respond, not knowing for sure but wondering if maybe he means...

"A joint. Marijuana. You smoke?"

"Oh. No. No, I don't.  But I have an ashtray if you need one."  I figure I'll let him turn into whoever it is he turns into in situations like these.  Maybe he's nervous and needs the high to calm him down.  Maybe he can only make love behind thick clouds, blinding him from the body in front of him.  Maybe I could get a subtle high from the fumes, too.  Something to help me get through this thing I deep down don't really want to do but have to do because lately sex is the only thing that helps me feel anything anymore.

He pulls the jay out of his pocket and starts to blow on it.  I guess to clean out the jeans-debris?  I make my way to the living room to get the ashtray.

Me'Shell still plays...

He takes his shirt off as I walk towards him with the ashtray.  I notice a single tattoo on his dark shoulder.  His skin's like soft silk and his tattoo is kind of like a flaw you spot on wooden furniture.  You know the kind: it's there and sometimes ugly but there's a beauty to it just the same so you buy the table anyway.

"Ha. Even your ashtray is classy," he says after I hand it to him.  It's crystal, glass. I keep it spotless, though it's been used from time to time whenever relatives visit me.  There's a drawn coqui on it.

"I got it in Puerto Rico." I tell him, smiling as I hang on to his thinking I'm classy.  He lights his jay and I sit beside him.  I stare at his tattoo.  I try to make it out in the darkness of my bedroom.  A candle flickers near us.  The flame is just enough to help me make out a horse one minute and then a spear.  A lemon lavender cloud of smoke billows its way around the room as I move my fingers towards the mark on his body. I trace it, spellbound by his beauty and this art.

"Unicorn." he whispers after a pull.

Me'Shell continues...

"What?" I come to.  I sit up straight, half dizzy from the fumes.  Am I high?  Or does my mind just think it's loopy because I'm sitting next to someone doing drugs?

"It's a unicorn. My tattoo," he says laughing, showcasing his pearly whites.  Straight like he obviously has had braces half his life.  Maybe he's got them now. The invisible kind.

"Did it hurt?"  I ask.

"I was so high when I got it I can't remember," he muses.  "It's the gayest kind of tattoo to get but I love it.  Unicorns are pretty but they'll poke the shit out of anyone who comes close."

I lie down and study this idea.

Me'Shell finishes and before Prince begins to play, El sets what's left of his jay in the ashtray.

"I hate Prince but The Breakdown gets me somehow." I say to him but more to myself, almost as an apology.  The music seems a bit cliche.

"I dig it," he assures me.  His pants come off.  I stare at the perfection before me.  It's like some kind of african god is about to make love to me.  Is this what high is?  I feel prettier than I am and the man before me looks like something you jerk off to late at night before bed.

"Turn around," he demands.  I do as told, he pulls my shorts off.  "Damn," he whispers.

"What?" I ask.  I want to hear all the words he thinks about me.  And he begins to tell me everything as he gently moves his face towards my ass, then spreads.  He speaks after each lick, each kiss, each soft bite.

"This...is...good.  You're...fucking...amazing.  So clean.  Smooth.  Soft.  My...god..."

For a while I comfortably settle myself on top of soft blankets and let him eat me.

Prince plays and plays again and again and I imagine maybe my computer's high too.  Why's it playing the same song? I wonder, forgetting I added the song to my playlist a dozen times.

Suddenly, I swear I hear light sabers.  He's so good I feel like I'm lost in some Star Wars galaxy.

"Keep eating," I tell him, faintly and intoxicatingly.

The light sabers continue.  It's like there's a battle behind us going on.  He's moaning along.

"Damn...I...can't...stop...eating...this."

I laugh and then remember the light sabers are from Prince's song.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Listen

The man of my dreams
will have headphones on the day we meet the first time
I'll watch him from across a room or train or someplace on the street in New York City
my eyes will follow his head-tossing to the music,
his smiling to the lyrics
and when he finally sees me,
he'll nod
and before I conjure up the courage to nod back
he'll make his way towards me and ask if I want to listen too
because music is the best way to connect

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Another, Again

One more year
Older but none the wiser
With age comes wisdom
But truth be told, my feelings haven't aged a day
I still feel like a teen-age boy
I'm a man by all means
I guess my insides haven't caught on to that

But that's OK
this is me, and I am here

I'm Edwin

Monday, March 20, 2017

Selfish Boy

In youth is pleasure
but then we fade away
I keep thinking about the years that have flown by
the times I should have enjoyed every bit of little responsibility
How I prayed for something more or something better
when things were just right
I'm so grown now
my hair proves it
the wrinkles will come soon, too
and I won't be able to mask those like I do everything else

Sunday, February 26, 2017

La La Land

I hated La La Land at first sight—but, as generally happens in such cases, I grew to love it as I lay in bed that night thinking more and more about it.  What is it about it that makes it hard to forget it after watching it?  I can't pinpoint to one absolute answer.  I know it made me feel a heap of things and I was restless the whole night.  It made me believe in all the things I used to believe about dreams.  In fact, it made me believe in them again altogether.  Dreams are real and it takes a lot of fucking perseverance to achieve a lot of what we want in life.  Sometimes it even takes a little help from someone we love, too.

A push or a nudge to let go and make things happen is what most of us need.  This is what I need, I know that now for sure.  This is a valuable lesson—and, even though it sounds so cliched and juvenile, most of us forget it.  I forgot it!

There's so much more I can get into about this movie—the themes, the music, the beautiful story, the superb director and actors who obviously worked their asses off to get this done—but, I won't because it should be a crime to have to explain it to anyone when everyone should go out and watch it themselves.  You owe yourself this movie!

Imagine: there are still some who haven't given it a thought or chance.  How sad for them.

Friday, February 24, 2017

I Might Give Up

Every day I'm on the edge of my seat
Life is impossible
God's not dead but he's deaf it seems
I have to pray for refusing to pray anymore
I'm too mad to believe
I'm in awe of those who achieve everything
I can't achieve anything

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Let's Drift Away

Don't be afraid of me
I'm not going to kill you again
I swear it

Let me love you
give me a chance to show you
I'm the one

I want to iron your pjs before you get home from work
After your night shift,
go bathe in my shower
use my bath oils and shampoos
what's mine is yours
and when you're done, take a look at the dinner table and see all I've set for you:
a warm plate of your favorite
a sweet drink to wash it down and
dessert that I will feed you myself

Then let's go to bed
hold me as we drift to some other land,
your snoring: bearish, to the point, and safe
Mine: like the national anthem to a faraway world where lovers finally rest
a sweet mix
because we belong

Let's do it again,
Like we did that summer

I miss you

Friday, September 2, 2016

Light at the End

Keep going and
look on
before you know,
everything will settle down
change happens, albeit rather slowly
but at least it does
and then you'll breathe again