Start Here.

The day I posted my rant on being single and loving it, I saw the following ad* on a website.

It seems there's no way to escape this love thing. There are companies spending millions to make us spend our own dollars to find love. It's so easy nowadays too, so they say. You don't even have to go to a bar anymore. Just answer a couple questions and BOOM - your match will appear. It's like a game! And, apparently, all you have to do is rollover to play.

* this is a photo of a video link. do not attempt to click the 'play' icon.

Dancing On My Own

Being single is a choice for some. I never understood that before but it’s quite clear to me now. I’m single and it’s totally because I want to be. To be honest, it’s probably more because I need to be too.

I can’t lie though – I do crave those moments that occur while in a relationship. Random hugs, his hands around my hips, gentle kisses on the neck. “I love you so much, Pa.” Those things. But, I don’t miss it enough to want it right now. I’m sure that’ll change someday. There’s no rush though, right? I’m fine without it.

The other day I got a text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while.

“How’s your love life!?” she asked.

“Null. For now.” I responded.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! It’s OK. I’m fine. It’s totally by choice.”

“Well, don’t wait until you’re 40 to find someone!”

I’m not even 30 yet. I’m not sure why finding a partner is so important for some. I mean, it’s a beautiful thing but it shouldn’t be a priority, right? I know a lot of people in relationships who are totally unhappy. I know a lot more people who are single and very, very happy. So, I’m not scared when I tell people that yes, I am very much unattached.

“Why are you single!?” People always ask with that tone that’s almost sympathetic or pitiful. I hate that question so much! Finding love is a goal I’ll concentrate on in the future, but for right now, there’s so much work that needs to be done on myself. Does this make sense? All you single people must know what I mean.

Maybe it’s complete fear. Perhaps deep down inside, I don’t have the faith or the bravado. After the experiences I've had with the men I've dated in the past, who can blame me? Maybe I’m just way too insecure. I don’t even love myself enough. How on earth can I love someone else? Or maybe, just maybe, I haven’t met the one – that magic man who’ll sweep me off my feet and make me stutter-er-er. They say once I meet him, he’ll help erase all my fears, all my insecurities, and all the pain that I’ve dealt with in the past. That seems a bit profound and I’ll tell you, the man I love is going to have to have one hell of a wand to erase all my mental shit. But hey, let’s see what happens. Who knows what'll transpire as I get older. In fact, who know's what's to come tomorrow? Maybe then, I'll feel ready. Who knows, really? That's the thing about love. You can't really plan it. It's going to happen when it's supposed to. So, if I say I'm single, don't ask me why and please don't feel sorry for me. I'm OK.

I’m young and being single is a fabulous thing! As long as my dick can still get hard and as long as I’m not totally unattractive, I’ve got time. One day my prince will come and I will be ready. Until then, I thank the heavens for pornography.

Are You Really You (Or Did I Make You Up)?

The tall tales have started
“It ain’t me;
It’s him.”
you tell them
and they all wonder

I sit and listen to you speak
the mean lines you throw in between
scattered amongst your plastic roses
sunshiny façade up our noses
i’m not the fool
so beware ‘cause god discloses

i have noticed how different it is here on the outside this time
looking in with brand new eyes
seeing what you’re truly like
wondering: were you ever even real to begin with?

Dear Mommy, II

Happy birthday. I wish I could tell you this to your face. Did I ever get to tell you when you were around?

You got away but I need you. Couldn’t you have tried to fight a little bit more to stay with me? Did you give it your all? Did it hurt that much? I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

Mommy, I don’t know what to do. I can’t take it anymore. I know you know what I’m talking about. I know you see. You know my heart. It’s so black these days. Hurt. This is what it’s like.

Mommy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I can’t keep going. Don’t be mad. I just need your arms again.

Remember that night we stayed up late watching tv? I was lost in your arms as we rested on the sofa, singing along to tunes from that movie about that crazy human-eating plant. I used to make you watch it over and over and over. You never complained. You always watched it with me.

Let’s go back to that. Meet me. I’m coming soon.

for Julio

i'm sorry to hear you're going through so much
i wish i could fight away your troubles and grant you peace,
but unfortunately the best things i can do are to listen and pray

we are so much alike, it's scary
i echo your feelings
i understand your grief
i mirror your current walk

i love you and remember -- you're not alone.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Our President supports equality but with limitations. If you're gay, you know what I mean.

I haven't seen a damn thing he's done to better our fight against the laws that keep us from openly serving in the military, happily marrying as lovers do, and freely living under the care and protection of all the laws that benefit the average straight person. Obama has spoken in support of gays, but actions speak louder than words. We all know that. It's what one does that gets the message across and not just what one says.

Obama declares, "there is a whole world waiting for you, filled with possibilities."

But that's not true because we don't have a whole world waiting for us. Too many in this world don't want us. Half of America doesn't even want us! And yes, although there are a great deal of possibilities that await, the important ones right outside our backyards are well beyond our reach.

It's common knowledge that Obama has not acted on the promises he made to the gay community during his campaign. I think most of us are angry because we expected so much from him. I feel let down and I'm so scared. Will I ever see the day when I'll benefit from every single law that benefits the straight community? I hope. Am I optimistic? Unfortunately, no I am not.

Here's Obama's message to our gay youth, who suffer and face moments of inferiority because we live in a world that isn't truly loving. His message is clear but there's a slice of hypocrisy and insincerity, in my opinion.

Do you, Barack Obama, really love us?

mE

i am a walking contradiction.

i am broken and i am fixed. i tend to travel on tip toes but at high speed. i scream only when i’m sure no one is going to hear. i am careful after the fact. i ask for forgiveness when it’s not my fault. i smile when i’m in pain. i love even if it’s all wrong.

but that’s what makes me human.

drama.

she says:

"i love you
but from afar
there are people watching
and they can't know

i'll hold your hand
but in the dark
and we can talk about anything you want
as long as it's about me

let's dance!
but i'll move here
you go over there
i'll wink to let you know i love this song
but don't wink back
because it's wrong
and they can't know."

TV is My Drug

Fall TV 2010 is here. For us TV aficionados, our favorite shows are back and some new ones are here too. Life is good again. With so many choices, it's a wonderful gift to have a DVR and the Internet, that way we don't ever have to worry about missing good shows due to overlapping time slots. I really do think that the DVR is a necessity nowadays. There's just too much awesomeness going on in television you don't want to miss, right? Thankfully, watching everything we want to watch is virtually possible.

I have to say: this is the first season I haven't been interested in anything new. So far, I'm glued to everything I was into last year. After reading a bit about all the new shows on tvguide.com, nothing sounded appealing. That's all OK, though. Many say I watch too much TV anyway.

Here's a list of the shows I watch and my thoughts on the new season so far. What are you watching?

Tuesday

Glee - So far we're off to an amazing season. Episodes 1 and 3 rocked. It's a wonder how such a show can inspire, influence, make me cry, and make me laugh all in one hour. I wasn't fond of the Britney episode but I can forgive Glee creator Ryan Murphy for one mistake, especially after the amazing episode on religion. We just don't see that on TV anymore. A.

Wednesday

America's Next Top Model - This is my current guilty pleasure. The show isn't even amazing anymore but I can't get enough. I think the only issue I have are the ridiculous challenges these wannabe models are forced into doing. They're subjected to lots of embarrassing situations. It really makes no sense sometimes. If you watch the show, you know what I mean. I'm sure this show is going to get canned soon enough since the ratings have dropped. That's bad news to me because while it's a bit trashy and exploitative, it's oh so fun to watch! Team Kayla for the win. B.

Modern Family - Winner of the Outstanding Comedy Series Emmy, and for many, many, many, many good reasons. This is by far my favorite show of these listed here. Every character on the show contributes to the awesomeness, even the children. I cannot get enough. A+.

Cougar Town - Oh, poor Courtney Cox. I feel like she really isn't taken seriously. Although the show is critically acclaimed and has a respectable amount of viewership, this show is worthy of so much more praise. It's really, really, really funny. The second episode was hysterical and proved that Courtney Cox is nothing short of amazing. Period. The rest of the cast rocks too. If you don't love it, seriously, slap out of it! A-.

Law & Order: SVU - Christopher Meloni. If you've seen him on HBO's Oz, then you know that this guy is packing major, er, acting chops. He's delicious and I love to watch him. The two hour season premiere was crazy! There were so many twists. Joan Cusack's guest appearance was a delightful bonus. I hear this is the final season. I hope that's not true. The stories on SVU are important and we need them. They're also really entertaining. A.

Thursday

Vampire Diaries - oh. my. god. Hi, my name is Evan and I have a vampire fetish. But, of course, who doesn't these days? Damon. Stefan. It's so hard to choose! Elena is lucky. Aside from the great writing that keeps me at the edge of my seat, there's so much amazing eye candy here. Kevin Williamson is a genius. I just hope he writes in a gay character soon. Maybe Elena's brother Jeremy, played by the super sexy Steven McQueen? My God, I'd give anything to have his babies. A.

Grey's Anatomy - I only watch because I feel I have to. I've been a committed viewer since its early days and although I feel as though the show has lost its touch, I haven't stopped watching. With all the cast changes in recent years, I'm annoyed. I think that the show's handlers don't really care what the viewers want. There's always a new edition to the cast, which takes away screen time from those characters we've grown to love and want to see. Even though millions and millions still watch, it's obvious this isn't the Grey's Anatomy from years before. I wasn't thrilled with the premiere and I don't know how much longer it'll be before I stop watching. I don't think I'll last the full season. C+.

Private Practice - Kate Walsh is super classy and I want to be her. This is definitely an adult show full of some seriously outrageous story lines. As we watch the doctor's struggle with ethical medical dramas, we're forced to wonder: oh my god, what if I were in that situation? What would I do? So far, the first few episodes this season have been great. In last week's episode a transsexual cut off his own penis because his psychiatrist wouldn't clear him for genital surgery. Isn't that crazy! A-.

My October Wish

i want to be free,
open,
allowed.

myself -
at least.

It's OK to be Gay

"I'm sick of feeling totally alone.
I want to have friends who like me for who I am.
I want to be a part of a family who love me for who I am
and not someone I pretend to be to keep their love.
I'm sick of hiding,
of being sad and scared.
If you have any idea -
there must be more of you who feel like this, like I do -
fine, just speak out.
I'm gay.
Sorry, Mom, Dad.
You can bet your life you're not the only parents out there with a gay son.

It's only love. What's everyone so scared of?"

Steven, in Get Real