Zombie

Sometimes, I think
we've been wrong all along
What if maybe He did her a favor
and here I am
cursed
What if He didn't actually take her life, like they say
I mean, she's up there dancing in heaven, yes
there's no doubt
but, maybe
just maybe
her life was the one that was spared
and I'm the one who's actually really truly gone and dead

Following?
I don't know if I'm articulating this in a way that's clear
but what I mean is this:

Survival is a gift, apparently
but why does it feel so fucking wicked?
Did He spare me my life or did He take it away
the day I made it out alive after that evil accident that put me in the hospital
and took away my mommy
I wonder.

If I'm supposed to be happy I'm alive,
why can't I feel it?