Evolution of a Lonelyheart

At first, I spent the beginning of the day despising myself as I reread my blog posts of the last few days. I was embarrassed by my audacity. How could I lead myself on, admit such things that are, with all due respect, fucking stupid?

I remembered, though, writing is therapeutic. Writing helps me understand what I'm going through. It helps me see what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. It's the best way to put everything in perspective, especially because I'm not a talker and there's no other outlet for me to release other than this.

So, my shame quickly vanished once I remembered: "confession is good for the soul." Though temporary, my posts were about real feelings. Real and normal feelings even if somewhat shameful. I am ashamed I wasted time missing a man who isn't worth missing and writing about him too many times. I wasted precious days. But, again, that's OK. It happens and we learn from the things we go through. At least we should learn anyway and at least this time I have.

Sometimes we feel the strangest things. But these don't always last a lifetime and thank God! I missed someone for a few days but that's because I felt lonely. Loneliness is a tricky feeling. I'm over him. I've been over him for years now. He doesn't move me anymore. So, I didn't really miss him-him. You see, I missed him the human, the human I was always so comfortable around. But I didn't miss the person, the man I fell out of love with so long ago. In my vulnerability—dealing with surgery, singleness, that distracting and overwhelming need to feel arms around me holding me, caring for me like a little baby boy—my judgement was clouded and impaired. I was confused, really. I guess needy, too—and neediness is a cataract. It will blind you and make you think the foulest things.

I am better than this. I know better than this. I can laugh this off now and I thank the heavens because I almost got swept away again. I truly almost confused myself into believing I had real feelings for him again. But it was mostly loneliness and, who knows, maybe a tinge of horniness? Masturbation saves.