And That's That

Now he wants to know how to fix a wrecked up heart.
I sit and ponder:
is there any advice I can offer a boy who's half broken - the same boy who once broke me?

Damn, the irony.

"Raise a glass," I should say.

Let the alcohol simmer down his stupid nerves.
Maybe I should get a bottle and pour it down his throat myself.

I don't ever wish anyone pain
but for the first time in my life, I don't care if he's unwell
I don't feel bad for him

and his glossy eyes
from the ducts that are spilling -
I don't care to help save them.

Let the tears flow.
That dumb crow!
I'm sorry but I don't have a speech to help him

and that's that.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Quirk and Circumstance."

All the Lovers - Kylie Minogue
I Am - Christina Aguilera
Push, Push - Kat DeLuna (w/ Akon)
Terrible Things - April Smith & the Great Picture Show
Airplanes - B.o.B (w/ Hayley Williams)
Babyfather - Sade
Fearless Love - Melissa Etheridge
Terrified - Katharine McPhee (w/ Jason Reeves)
Acapella - Kelis
3 Little Words - Frankmusik
California Gurls - Katy Perry
Fembot - Robyn
Impossible - Shontelle
Never So Big - David Byrne and Fatboy Slim (w/ Sia)
All I Ever Wanted - Kelly Clarkson
In This Song - Charice
A Love That Will Last - Renee Olstead
Bien o Mal - Julieta Venegas

How Deep Is Your Love?

I wouldn’t recommend your love if it were the only thing left in this world. I’d tell whoever was interested in you to hurry and spit you out like dirty spinach because I know you’d only kill him inside in the long run– slowly and surely.

The Loser.

"I destroyed everything, Mama.
I destroyed everything!
You make one wrong turn,
and then
because of that,
after it
all the turns are wrong.
And you are so far from where you wanted to be.
And you're lost.
And then you're lost."

Guido Contini in the movie Nine.

You Don't Even See What You Do, Do You?

There's a boy in my life who tries every which way to grab a hold of my heart and tug, let go, tug again, and let go like it's the only way he's able to breathe. He manipulates my desperate little head in order to survive. I'm like his food and once he's consumed enough of me, he's quick to try his hand at dieting, leaving me to spoil. Like dirty, red, poisonous meat.

And I spoil easily.

He takes me, carries me, holds me tight. But then he'll disappear and pick on other little lonely hearts, pretending to be a lonely heart himself. They'll sympathize with him and he'll scatter his love seed, polluting lovefools, eating gracious hearts. Dirtying lovers who just want to be held tightly when it's time to sleep at night. And then he'll come back to me. I'll give in because I feel bad too. Then, again, he'll go and spread some more of his dirty love to other silly foolish boys.

He'll go, come back, go and come back.

And I always open up the door. But today, no more.

It's time to run away from him.

Nine

Guido is a ladies' man. He'd woo a table if it had a heart. In the movie "Nine" we see him fawn over five beautiful women, all tortured souls addicted to him. Until they're fed up and can't take him anymore.

In this scene, his wife Luisa (played by Oscar winner Marrion Cotillard) has finally had enough of his dilly-dallying between women. She's given him everything and has gotten nothing but grief in return.


Watch this until the end. It's quite moving.

(update, 12/9/10): YouTube took down the scene so here's a snippet. Hopefully it's enough to make you want to see the film.)

Robyn

I'm speechless as I watch this. The tears are flowing.

on turning 30.

They say we're supposed to come to terms with our bodies, our whole selves, at a certain age. Does anyone know that age? I hear it's 30. That's when we get a clearer sense of who we are, where we're going, why we look the way we do, stuff like that.

Well, if that's the age, I guess there's something to look forward to after all. I'm sick and tired of my twenties.

I can't believe I just said that. What I mean is I'm definitely eager to see the day I love myself completely. I'm waiting for that switch to go off, the one that keeps us from looking into a mirror and saying, "O, hello" as opposed to "o, hell no" that currently comes out of my mouth everyday. You know the switch I'm talking about. It's that angst-y, self-hate, confused, and tired switch that controls our 20s mind. I'm ready for my 30s mind.

I wonder if this makes sense to any of you.

There's a feeling of peace and acceptance at 30, I've heard. We become more self-aware. The mind becomes stern, assured, confident, and is matured enough to go out and get. At 20, it sits paralyzed, ashamed to speak sometimes, too chickenshit to make decisions. The 20s mind is filled with questions and tears. It's a wonder I haven't drowned yet! I suppose I'm a good swimmer.

You know, I wouldn't wish my 20s on anyone. That's deep but I tell you: so far, I have never been happy as myself. Is anyone ever truly, completely, wholly, undoubtedly happy at 20 even? My guess is no. If there is someone out there in their 20s reading this, someone who happens to absolutely cherish life, then I salute you. I’d like to eat you up so that somehow I can become you.

I guess the bottom line here is that I am kind of looking forward to 30. Today is the first time I've ever said that. I lie about my age all the time. I keep it a secret almost as if I'm ashamed but boy, I swear to you, not anymore. Indeed, I'm ready to climb up to the next age group.

I'm 27 now. There. I said it. I rarely ever do. It looks weird seeing it on the screen, but there it is for all of you to see. That's my age. It's almost time to say goodbye to it actually. My birthday is just around the corner. Will I miss being 27? No, I won’t, not at all. It was like being 17 all over again, and that is not a good thing. Will I enjoy 28 and 29? Probably not but I’ll try and make the best of it. I know more questions will rise up, new faults and insecurities will fester and control so I’m nervous as all hell. But it’s two away from 30, and shit – I know there’s a silver lining to that.

So, in closing, here's a message to my 20s: you've got a couple more years left and after that, I'll be glad to never hear from you again. When you go, you can definitely kiss my ass.

The Prophet

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Kahlil Gibran.

give a lot, get what?

ok
i'm done here
no more posts
about love
or needy feelings.
enough!
my heart's on vacation now.

see ya!

the body electric

where am i going to?
i feel like i'm choking
i can't breathe
and every time i bat my eyes
the tears come racing down
they fall hard on my lap
as i sit
and think
about what i want in life

i guess i'm facing
yet another
existential crisis

my heart is racing
the blood pumps out and flows
fast fast fast
my legs shake
up and down
the toes are wiggling
i'm a body electrified
but too damn weak to take off still
stuck
not nearly there
falling soon

half life

DVD of the Week

Chocolat.
Rated PG-13.

This one's a tad old but I finally took the time out to see it just recently. It's from the year 2000 and it's an emotional comedy/drama based on the novel of the same name. Directed by famed director Lasse Hallström, the film is about a drifter named Vianne who, along with her young daughter, moves to a French village devoid of temptation and life, only to spice it up for the better. She opens up a chocolatier where her secret concoctions entices the locals, causing much of them to rebuke her as an immoral influence whose shop should be brought down.

Who is this woman? What's in her chocolates? Why can't the villagers stay away? A diabetic, an abused wife, a lovelorn couple, and an elderly man still willing to find love seek solace in Vianne and her treats. But not everyone thinks she's there to do good.

Chocolat is a feel-good film. It's simple and filled with everything anyone could ever want in a movie. There's romance, laughter, mystery, and of course drama mixed all into one. It's really delicious. And I don't mean that only because we see a lot of amazing chocolate treats in the film either. It's a film I'd recommend on a cool Friday night after a long day of work. It's that kind of film you want to watch while sipping wine and eating pastries too.

Check it out. It's a classic. Juliette Binoche, one of my favorite French actresses ever, earns her Academy Award nomination here for sure. You'll fall for her grace and her beauty. It helps that the production design and score add to the appeal of this film too. Oh, and don't miss Johnny Depp as a handsome gypsy. He's yummy.

- [click for trailer.]

fast.

i bet
if i told you:
"i really need you here
and not a heartbeat too late,"
you'd come.
and to get here
you'd run.

[far out]

and the space between us
-- that large vast of land with homes and cars and streets and folks galore?
fuck it!
it don't matter none
'cause you can be a trillion steps away
and still be right here.
(i point to my chest as i say this.)

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."

Rocket - Goldfrapp
Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready) - Alicia Keys
December - Nikki & Rich
Bulletproof - La Roux
Rude Boy - Rihanna
Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert
Your Love is My Drug - Ke$ha
1901 - Phoenix
Kiss With a Fist - Florence + the Machine
Mess of You - Kimberly Caldwell
I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat
Heaven - Brett Dennen (w/ Natalie Merchant)
Breakeven (Falling to Pieces) - The Script
Better Than Her - Matisse
All the Right Moves - OneRepublic
No Se Nada de Ti - Obie Bermudez
Feelin' Love - Paula Cole
What is Love? - Never Say Never