Rabbit Hole

I'm always someone's test but never someone's prize
The further I sink into the rabbit hole
the more I see he can't be mine.

I met a man I thought was right. We connected. It was more than anything I've felt for anyone in a long time. It came by surprise. I didn't ask for it. I didn't expect it. I didn't want it. Certainly, I've written many things about my locked up heart. If you know me, you know I don't want love. But, boy, I wanted him so much and I'm surprised at myself for feeling like so.

If you notice, I'm writing in past tense here. You must be wondering what happened. The truth is, I don't even know. My adoration was short-lived. He's gone now. He's taken actually. Seven years! I didn't know.

Yeah, that's right: I fell for a guy who's already in love. That's never happened to me before. I'm not sure how to process all this exactly. I don't want to disrespect his partner so I have decided to stay away. I'm mad though. Because he didn't let me know! He didn't tell me immediately. Maybe he thought he didn't have to? Was he ever really flirting?

It was probably my imagination. I tell myself this because he's too special to be cruel. He wouldn't misguide me on purpose. I don't know him all that well but I don't think he would knowingly tease someone's heart. But who's to say, honestly? He did a bad thing by not telling me he was practically married, that's the very truth. Because, even if he didn't mean to, he totally fooled me. He was so sweet with me! He seemed to want me. We connected. There was fucking electricity, I thought!

But I misread. I misinterpreted his delightfulness, his stupid misguided delightfulness. Where was his goddamn map? He sent it the wrong way! Maybe he's just got so much fucking charm he doesn't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Charm is like a dog. It's got to be trained and handled properly or it'll go and bite the shit out of someone fast. "Where does it go? Who wants some? I have lots!" he must say. He's so dangerous.

I know because I really do know.