God? (Two)

I'm really sick of myself today. I'm dealing with so much guilt and anger, I don't even recognize myself anymore. Normally, I'd pray this all away. I'd look up to the skies and ask God to forgive me...to recognize or remember that I am not at all the man I seem to be. I can't do that today, though. I haven't been able to do that for a while now. I can't even imagine asking Him to forgive me, especially since I've asked Him so many times already and yet, I still fall down the same ol' rabbit hole. Who am I to think it's all right to fall and expect He'll care for the wounds every single time? Who am I to think He'll be right there after all the times I've promised? Does He know I couldn't help it each time and still can't to this day? I am a pathetic failure in His eyes, I'm sure. If I were Him, I wouldn't give myself a second look.

They say to run to God whenever life is good and even when it's bad. He'll welcome a sinner and a saint just the same. I want to run to Him, but I don't even dare. Is it the devil lying his way into my head, telling me that God's not there? Or am I definitely on the right track here and God doesn't love me anymore?