I Get Down On Sundays

it's days like today I really wish my mother were around. they say that mommy's cure everything. i'll never know if that is true.

Forgiveness

No one has died but inside it feels like someone has.

I have been feeling bothered by the acts of some people in my life and instead of trying to figure out a way to handle it, moving on, or getting to a resolution, I've been letting it attack me every night and every single day. I've been wronged by people I love to the bone. They've been in my life for a very long time but lately they've felt like strangers to me more than anything. It's like having missing teeth. The smiles are still very much there but nothing is as pretty as it used to be.

I think that the situations and altercations that have gone on have been sparked by silly misunderstandings and the lack of communication. You see, when you misunderstand someone and there's no communication, things fall apart. The awkwardness begins, the distance starts, and it's all downhill after that.

I've always been the one to find a resolution. I find it in my heart to forgive and then to forget. I send out my apologies, even when I feel I haven't really done anything wrong. I flush down my pride, put my head down, forget the lashes inflicted upon me, and start over. But this time I just can't seem to do that. Maybe it's because I'm older. Perhaps I'm more rigid and stubborn? Or maybe I just feel like I'm finally owed some type of respect. It's finally time to collect on some apologies too, you know? I'm hurt. I feel real bad. And maybe it's all inside my head, but still, it's how I feel.

We'll see how things go. I'll try my hardest not to lose sleep over this anymore because God is watching, right? He'll take care of things.

For Colored Girls

Be moved. It's coming. November 5, 2010.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Shimmy and breathe."

Bang Bang Bang - Mark Ronson & the Businesss Intl. (w/ Q-Tip & MNDR)
XXXO - M.I.A
Collard Greens & Cornbread - Fantasia
Hope She Cheats On You (With a Basketball Player) - Marsha Ambrosius
Hummingbird Heartbeat - Katy Perry
Somewhere in Brooklyn - Bruno Mars
Misery - Maroon 5
All I Want is You - Miguel (w/ J. Cole)
Everything to Me - Monica
Stuck Like Glue - Sugarland
Night Time - The XX

God?

the other night i had a dream i fell asleep while i was praying at a church altar. what could this mean? perhaps it could be that i'm so tired of praying for the same ol' thing, seeing no results in between. or maybe my slumber was an act of protest. but, then again, it could have just been a sign of my weakness.

... and I'm back

So, it's back to school for some this month. I guess that means I should get back to writing. I've been on a mini-vacation of sorts from this - again. I really haven't had much to write about. Or rather, I really haven't been inspired much to write here. I think that's the better excuse because truthfully I've been writing every day, just not in the conventional way. Ideas and thoughts have been happening all up in my little head and I've been too lazy to sit and write it all out. But I'm going to try and stop the laziness and the lack of inspiration, even if it hurts. Because I miss writing so much.

Even if sometimes I feel like this is just a waste of time, I love this and I need this. Who's out there reading? Maybe no one, or maybe just one. But I need to remember: that doesn't really matter. I may not have an audience. And that's OK. Because after each entry, the thing to remember is that I always feel a sense of relief. This is my therapy. Even if I am my own audience, that's all fine and dandy. At least there's that.

So, back to school for some. And back to this for me. Who's ready for more?

F*ck You

Sometimes there's nothing else you can say.

Sick

I feel like there's a piragüero shaving ice against my throat. And I feel like there are dancing birds tickling my eardrums with their feathered wings. FML

"Stop the world! I want to get off."

The other day I got to thinking about the steps I want to take to improve my working life. I need a new job. I’ve got all these dreams but I haven’t really done much to achieve them. I’ve been idly sitting, pointlessly working, and feeling empty all the while. I want to breathe some new air!

Now, I know that you must be thinking: “wow, he’s on his way!” At least I’ve made a decision to seek something bigger and live out those dreams, right? Well, no—not right at all. Because in spite of the realization, the anticipation to grasp what’s waiting for me, what I’ve been yearning for, I don’t know how to go about doing anything. I’m tied here and I can't help but wonder: how do I start the process of untangling the knots and strings?

This is why I’d like the world to stop so I can exit right on out. Drop me off now because I’m scared and the hyperventilating is killing me. I don’t think I’m strong enough to live outside the box, reach for the stars, jump off that cliff and fly. All these tacky cliché’s that’s supposed to encourage and inspire don’t really work for me. Instead, they burn my eyes and mock me. It really isn’t that simple.

Motives & Thoughts, V

I can’t say it enough, I don’t think. I can write it out a million times and still the point won’t get across. I’m stuck and a little lost too. Will there ever be a quiet moment when I won’t worry about what’s next and wonder about my life? I imagine that things won’t ever be that easy. That scares me.

The Crocodile

she's a crocodile—
she's quiet and calm at first
but she'll sneak right in
and cut you up without a second thought
smiling while eating
spitting out the peaceful parts
savoring your heavy, meaty heart
she'll bat her lashes right after
cross her legs,
and grin, grin, grin
but remember this:
her tears are fake
and that leathery skin -- don't let it fool you
because although considered rather pricey,
she's really oh so very cheap

Cross My Heart

Well maybe, just maybe, it really is just you.

Word Warp, VI

The straight fornicator says: homosexuality is an abomination. The adulterer says: marriage is a sacred act not meant for homos. The lying Holy Roller says: god hates fags. And I say (as I sit crossed-legged and snap my fingers in a Z formation): Bitch, puh-lease!

Hardhearted Hooker

I'm proud of you, Evan, for being strong enough to let him have a go and granting him the chance to fly away soon after. No pain, no tears, no feelings.

the mask

everything he says is a lie to me
whatever he does, i don't believe it
every touch, every kiss, every thrust has an ulterior motive
i know it
or rather, i think it
inside my crazy little head