Get Out Of My Head, I'm Telling You

He’s so pretty, it hurts
And I’m 15 again
Feeling the butterflies in my tummy
Carefully speaking,
Hoping something dumb doesn’t come out my mouth

His lips!
I bet they taste like Jesus
All spiritual and perfect
It’ll probably bring me to my knees

I need to pray!

I Will Not Let Him In

I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will cnot let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. oI will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I nwill not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in.I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I iwill not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will gnot let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I lwill not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not ilet him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let ohim in. I will not let him in.

[untitled]

There are moments
I crave love
I think about having a man
of being held and
belonging to someone
but those moments are fleeting
they last all of 5 seconds
I quickly snap out of that desire
And remember:
I’m not really good enough for anyone right now anyway

The 8 Books I Can't Get Through

I don't know what's happening. Maybe I've killed a cell inside that's supposed to help me read. Maybe it's the weed? Just kidding. But, I wonder.

I haven't been able to get through a novel in a while now. I've picked up so many books in the last four months but have been incapable of committing to more than just a chapter or two of each one. I think I've read over the first couple chapters of Elizabeth Strout's Olive Kitteridge about five times. It's supposed to be an amazing book and it won a Pulitzer Prize too, for Heaven's sake! Still, I can't get passed those few pages. I'm not inspired to go on.

The same thing has happened with Chris Cleave's Little Bee. I'm up to chapter three and to be quite honest, if I were in college sitting in front of a quiz on the book, I'd fail. I don't even remember the main character's name. Everyone I know who has read the book has told me it's hard to put it down. I, however, find myself falling asleep. What's going on?

There have been more books. I'm sitting in front of six others, actually. This has never happened before. I've always been so committed when reading a novel. There has always been that yearning to go on and see what's coming next, even if the book happens to bore me to pieces. I linger on, hoping that maybe by the end I'll be captivated.

Paint it Black by Janet Fitch comes to mind. I was so excited when I purchased that book. I had just finished her previous novel White Oleander and so I expected another inspiring and moving piece of art. Unfortunately, I wasn't amused by the novel at all. I grew annoyed by the hapless and bitter protagonist. At some points I sympathized, but I grew angrier and angrier as I read on. Still, I maintained. I waited and I dedicated hour after hour until I approached that very last page. Was it all a waste of time? I thought so at first. After a while though, I realized that I did learn a few things. Ms. Fitch writes like no other author. Her words sing. Even if I hated the book, I felt something. Ultimately, that's the reason why some of us read, right?

Anyway, my point is, I used to be able to read even if I wasn't really into the material. I don't know why I can't jump into a book and join the author's world for a few hours anymore. I wonder if this has anything to do with age. Am I losing my marbles already? No. It can't be an age thing. There are older people who read all the time! So what is it? Am I thinking so much about my own life that escaping to some pretend one isn't possible? I think I'm just too distracted. There's so much going on these days. There's no free time or motivation frankly. The free time I do have, I end up going to sleep or watching movies. Movies are a lot easier to commit to it seems. There's less thinking involved. Am I right?

I wonder if it means anything that the last few novels I have been able to get through were part of a young adult vampire series. I went through those books like candy. Why was it a lot more fun to read those than it has been to read the 8 I've tried getting through lately? Was it the humor, or sex, or silly plot? Was it the flow and simplicity that comes with a young adult novel? Am I a lot dumber now than I have ever been? Maybe the books were just really good. Vampire stories are addicting. Whatever the reason, I've got to get to the bottom of all this. I refuse to stop reading. There's got to be an adult novel waiting for me, right? Or is a Dr. Suess story next?

I'm going to keep looking. I'm going to the bookstore tomorrow and I'll give this reading thing one last try. I miss reading and I think it's important to explore the written word. Novels are beautiful things. I can't give up on them. Let's see what happens.

So, tell me - anyone out there recommend a good novel? What are you reading?

So That's What Jealousy Feels Like

I thought you were mine
until I saw you talk to him
then I realized:
what have I done to deserve you?

I haven't done anything yet
and you probably don't even know how much I think about you
I don't even know how much I think about you
it's too often
and I've lost count
I know that much is true

So, if I see you holding hands with someone else
if you both smile
and look lovingly into each other's eyes
I'll try and sit tight
I'll survive

Maybe He's Right In Front Of Me

I'd give anything to end the search.
No, wait—
I'd give anything to have the wisdom to realize the search is over.

British Invasion (again, and again, and again)

If you've seen the latest issue of Billboard magazine, you may have noticed that the top three albums in America this week belong to English artists. Has this happened before? I don't know but it's definitely worth acknowledging. What's it say about American music? Probably nothing but I do think it means we're open and ready for the eclectic and stylistic sounds of the British people...again—because they really are so damn talented.

Adele's sophomore album 21 is currently the best selling album of 2011. That's huge for an artist that doesn't sound or look like the average white pop star. I'm ecstatic that America has embraced her and I'm a little surprised, considering how the American people tend to go for the auto-tuned starlets or the teenyboppers. Adele sounds like nothing on the radio today and we should all feel blessed for that. I remember when I first listened to her, no one had heard of her at the time. I kept telling my friends about her. I raved and pleaded with everyone - "listen to this!" They all did and they all fell in love, like the rest of the world. After winning the Best New Artist Grammy two years ago, the pressure was on for Adele to live up to every expectation that's inevitably set after winning such an award. I was nervous to listen to 21 because I was so inspired and impressed with the first album. Thankfully, my fears were put to rest immediately because not only is the new album a step up from her debut album 19, it's also the most heart wrenching album to come from England since Amy Winehouse's Back to Black. Emboldened by the album's two lead singles "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You", 21 is a lover's album. It's strong enough to pack a punch and sweet enough to kiss the bruises right after.

This week's number 2 album in the country belongs to a songstress who doesn't deserve to go unheard. The solo debut album Late Nights and Early Mornings by Marsha Ambrosius, former lead singer of the English Neo-Soul duo Floetry, earns the runner up position this week and makes it straight to number 1 on the R&B albums chart after much anticipation from the artist herself and her many, many fans. I've been following Ms. Ambrosius on Twitter for a while now and she had been updating her fans throughout the album process by teasing us with lyrics and even actually singing snippets to some of the songs during live USTREAM video conferencing. We've all been excited and we counted down the days. We, her fans, or Marshians as she likes to call us, waited patiently for the release of the album and I don't think many of us were let down upon its release. The album is sultry and sexy. This is a lovemaking album or a break-up-and-make-up-right-after album. It's passionate and heartbreaking. It'll lift you up and really tear your heart apart because it's real, flawless, authentic, and not generic. Buy the album and see what I mean. If you're a lovefool like me, you'll love this album. The Brits really do know how to express themselves when it comes to love. If you haven't heard "Far Away", check it out. Other notable hits from the album are: "Tears", "The Break Up Song", and the Portishead cover "Sour Times."

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Sing a song, save my life."

Animal - Neon Trees
All the Boys - Keri Hilson
Operator - Shiloh
I'm Doin' Me - Fantasia
Frío - Ricky Martin
No One In The World - The Apples In Stereo
The Harold Song - Ke$ha
Never Hear Surf Music Again - Free Blood
Bedda At Home - Jill Scott
Bang - Rye Rye (w/ M.I.A.)
Swimming - Florence + the Machine
On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez
Don't Forsake Me - Duffy
Luv Back - Jazmine Sullivan
Sing - My Chemical Romance
Age of Consent - New Order
Déjà Vu (I've Been Here Before) - Teena Marie

That First Date

You can't mess with love—
it happens
and it starts
especially when you don't expect it
there it is

you say yes to it
without even speaking
you welcome it
and it settles and works inside you
like a vein
helping you to live

you can't mess with love
'cause there it is

Exactly

I Went Crazy Again Today

"Write." The voice inside me said.

"I can’t anymore." I answered.

"Write!" The voice repeated.

"You don’t get it." I shrugged and cried.

"So, then, explain it. WRITE!"

Therapy

I haven’t sat down and spoken to anyone about my feelings in a very long time. I think I’ll have to find someone soon, though. I may have to find a therapist to help me deal with the trillion thoughts currently occupying my head. I don’t know how I’ll pay for a therapist but I suppose I’ll worry about the financials later on. Help first. Money later.

I know that some people have friends they can turn to. There are many who are lucky enough to find help within their own family too. I’ve got great friends and a very large family myself but the truth is, I’m not sure going to anyone I love would help me.

Most of the people I love have issues themselves. I feel like I shouldn't burden someone with my problems if they've got much bigger ones, you know? Also, many just don’t listen enough. I've tried to seek advice or an open ear before to no avail. Many times, with many people I know, it's like talking to a brick wall. Next, and this is quite unfortunate really, a lot of them are just too judgmental to offer sound advice. Along with that, I’d run the risk of having my information exposed if I sought help from some of them. People talk and gossip is a ritual a lot of people I know can’t survive without. I say this because I know firsthand what it's like to have a secret spill from one mouth to the next right in front of my face.

So, I’m left to myself, lost in my thoughts, and that’s not good anymore. Lately, I’ve realized things are getting a little out of hand up here in my head. I’m no longer focused. I find myself rushing through the days, waiting for sleep to take me away. Something is wrong if the highlight of my day is closing my eyes. When I wake up in the morning, ready to start life all over again, the first thing out of my mouth is: “oh boy, not again.” Clearly, this isn’t good. Right?

I need help. Therapy, perhaps. Very soon.

Oscar 2010

The biggest night in movies is finally here! Oscar night, honoring the very best of 2010, will begin in less than five hours and I can't tell you enough how excited I am. Here are the nominees in tonight's major categories, along with my favorites to win.

Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
True Grit
Winter's Bone

This one's an easy choice for me, I have to say. I am not one to copy critics and hop on their sometimes ridiculous band wagon so I'll go ahead and say that although The Social Network is projected to win, I really do think it doesn't even deserve its nomination. The film is good but was it outstanding? Not for me. My choice is Black Swan. It's a well acted, incredibly directed, and truly gritty movie that moved me to pieces. It's a perfect film through and through. It probably won't win, as it's a mostly female driven film but in a perfect world, the Oscars will call Black Swan 2010s best picture. Honorable Mentions: The Kids Are All Right or The King's Speech.

Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem - Biutiful
Jeff Bridges - True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg - The Social Network
Colin Firth - The King's Speech
James Franco - 127 Hours

This is Colin Firth's award. Honorable Mentions: James Franco or Javier Bardem.

Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening - The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman - Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence - Winter's Bone
Natalie Portman - Black Swan
Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Natalie Portman. She is the one to beat. Her performance impressed me and really moved me. I was never a fan of hers and didn't really consider her a good actress until this movie. The only competition here is Annette Bening and that's only because she's an industry veteran who has been overlooked many times before. Still, I don't think that's a reason to give her the award. If she wins, it won't be because her performance is better than Natalie's. It'll be Hollywood's way of rewarding a stellar career and not a stellar performance. Of course, this isn't to say that Annette isn't amazing in The Kids Are All Right. She is. She just isn't as amazing as Natalie.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale - The Fighter
John Hawkes - Winter's Bone
Jeremy Renner - The Town
Mark Ruffalo - The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Oh, Christian Bale - you really did nail it here. That last scene in The Fighter is reason enough to name you an Oscar victor. Period. I believed every word and emotion coming from him. It'll be a grave travesty if he isn't called tonight. There's speculation that The King's Speech will sweep and win all of the major awards so I think Geoffrey Rush is Christian's only competition.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams - The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech
Melissa Leo - The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit
Jacki Weaver - Animal Kingdom

Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing if Jacki Weaver were tonight's surprise upset win? Her dark role as the matriarch of a family of criminals in Animal Kingdom is insanely creepy. It isn't the best of all of these on the list but I do think she poses a real threat. Melissa Leo has won practically every award leading up to the Oscars but with the recent controversy surrounding her campaigning for the award and the fact that she's nominated with another actress from the same movie (something that may lead the ladies to cancel each other out), I'm going to guess that the award will go to Helena Bonham Carter or Hailee Steinfeld. Hailee's garnered a lot of attention for her role in True Grit. Lots of people have said she should have been nominated as a lead actress. That definitely gives her points here. But I have a problem with a young actress (14!) coming from nowhere and taking home the most prestigious award in show business. You've got to really earn that Oscar and I wonder if she's really paid her dues. Of course, if her performance in True Grit is stellar, she ought to be awarded accordingly. (I haven't seen True Grit just yet so I can't really judge.) In the end, if it isn't Hailee Steinfeld or Melissa Leo, Helena Bonham Carter should win. She is absolutely fabulous and she's a really great actress. She should have gotten an Oscar ages ago (Sweeney Todd and Harry Potter, anyone!?)

I'm Still Here

Yes, I've been absent from this
I don't know what to say anymore
this happens
because words - they come and go
start and stop
involuntarily

Writing is a force I cannot control
It doesn't matter how hard I try to come up with something
if I've got nothing to say
or if I can't articulate what's going on in my head,
then, I'm sorry but I can't force myself
and come up with something
Not even if I pray
I've tried
but I'm still stuck

I will come back though
I always do
I just hope it's soon

So, dear readers - or reader...
be patient
because I'm still here

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