Ex-Boyfriend, or P.I.G.

In the new year, I won't let him treat me like shit
I won't allow him to use my struggles against me
The past is done
I don't live there anymore
and he can't punish me
when I tried everything
He can continue to immortalize my former complications all he wants
But I'm not going to care anymore

So, I leave this past year behind:
all the tears, the yearning, the exhausting torture dealing with his ways
and I'll see it off to a faraway place where memories go to die
making sure to leave room for him to tag along

See ya.

Reefer Madness

We listened to freestyle music from, like, the 80s.  He sparked a roach, looked into my eyes, and whispered behind a dull cloud: I'm going to blow smoke up your butt tonight.

And I gagged—
like a giddy trans girl,
I gagged.

Get Out

If I replace "London" with "New York"
and think of sunlight and midnight breeze
will I end up in Puerto Rico and feel better?

I want to be there,
not here.

Brick

I thought you'd be here for me
I keep turning to see if maybe your shadow will appear
but I don't see anything
Can't you hear me screaming?
You're a deaf man to everything

Oh, to be like you—
the way you forget the good times
and remember just the days when things didn't go your way
If only I could be so cold!
Maybe then this shock wouldn't exist—
this shock that runs through me
all electric and burning...
You said you'd always be here
but you're so far gone

Hate me for all the wrong reasons,
that's ok
I just hope this wondrous wall you've built to guard your every emotion keeps your cold heart warm at night

Embarrassing

Sometimes at night,
when it's cold out and so dark it looks like I'm underwater,
I get this stupid urge to do something reckless,
like email you a love song
or text you senseless things

Liar

You said you'd never give up on me
when I said I wasn't ready
but where are you,
now that I am?
You couldn't even wait!
So, there you go
feeding your love to someone else
and here I am
realizing
you are just like the rest...
with all those promises,
the endless declarations—
"You're the one for me!"
you'd scream
but all along it wasn't really about me
it was all about you
and your needs,
your drastic urge to have someone belong to you
and care for you
someone—anyone!—
to fill your void
and when I couldn't rush to such commitments,
you moved so very quickly to the next.

Meet and Greet

He shook my hand with a gentle force—
like he'd be in charge if we were together—
and his sweaty palm moved me
His brown, moist skin tickled those special pressure points
and, oh, how beautiful his hand looked as I held it in mine!
I guess I should have wiped myself clean after
No one likes a sweaty palm, right?
But I couldn't
I didn't want to lose such a personal thing
Something that came from within him
So, instead, I made a fist,
held that mist inside
and prayed—
his sweat my holy water—
for more opportunities to be touched by him
and his brave wet hand.

On Dating

I am too in tune with my feelings and it's always a shock—a disappointment, even—whenever I meet someone who isn't. Why can't we all ever be on the same page?

Opposites Don't Really Attract

I guess you found me intolerable
which isn't too surprising considering how much time I spend despising myself, too
I'm a lot to handle:
my heart on my sleeve,
emotions running free...
But in the grand scheme of things, doesn't this make it easier to be with me?
You know what you get when you get me
There are no secrets
No mixed signals
and if you ever need to know, chances are I've already told you

You don't seem capable to do it like I do
I let it all hang out—
never afraid to do so
but not you.

Tough Love

Evolution of a Lonelyheart

At first, I spent the beginning of the day despising myself as I reread my blog posts of the last few days. I was embarrassed by my audacity. How could I lead myself on, admit such things that are, with all due respect, fucking stupid?

I remembered, though, writing is therapeutic. Writing helps me understand what I'm going through. It helps me see what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. It's the best way to put everything in perspective, especially because I'm not a talker and there's no other outlet for me to release other than this.

So, my shame quickly vanished once I remembered: "confession is good for the soul." Though temporary, my posts were about real feelings. Real and normal feelings even if somewhat shameful. I am ashamed I wasted time missing a man who isn't worth missing and writing about him too many times. I wasted precious days. But, again, that's OK. It happens and we learn from the things we go through. At least we should learn anyway and at least this time I have.

Sometimes we feel the strangest things. But these don't always last a lifetime and thank God! I missed someone for a few days but that's because I felt lonely. Loneliness is a tricky feeling. I'm over him. I've been over him for years now. He doesn't move me anymore. So, I didn't really miss him-him. You see, I missed him the human, the human I was always so comfortable around. But I didn't miss the person, the man I fell out of love with so long ago. In my vulnerability—dealing with surgery, singleness, that distracting and overwhelming need to feel arms around me holding me, caring for me like a little baby boy—my judgement was clouded and impaired. I was confused, really. I guess needy, too—and neediness is a cataract. It will blind you and make you think the foulest things.

I am better than this. I know better than this. I can laugh this off now and I thank the heavens because I almost got swept away again. I truly almost confused myself into believing I had real feelings for him again. But it was mostly loneliness and, who knows, maybe a tinge of horniness? Masturbation saves.

Wake Up!

I woke up this morning
and now I understand
what it's like to be a stupid man
All these love notes for what?
He's got a blind eye
and a heart dedicated to someone else
He doesn't want you, Edwin!
So, move on
let it go
and get a fucking grip

Pretending

I feel like Morello, dreaming up this love that isn't there. I'm trapped in my own prison and I keep thinking you're outside waiting for me once I recoup from this incarceration, this mental instability. I tell myself all the time you are mine. I comfort my growing emotions, my loneliness, my eager desperation with thoughts about us and the time we'll spend once I'm free. You're waiting for me. I tell myself these things. I dance around in my room, making playlists in my head of songs we'll listen to when we make love, drive from a date, clean the house together, and get married. But what am I thinking? You don't even come to visit. I look out the window from time to time and you're never there. There are always birds, though. And I tell them, with crying eyes, "please, please, please tell him I'm waiting."

I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"There's no life without music."

Make It Look Good - Mariah Carey
Do It Again - Röyksopp & Robyn
Leave Your Lover - Sam Smith
Dumb - Jazmine Sullivan
I Will Never Let You Down - Rita Ora
Close Your Eyes - Lily Allen
Jerk Ribs - Kelis
Latch - Disclosure (w/ Sam Smith)
You're Not the One - Sky Ferreira
Rather Be - Clean Bandit (w/ Jess Glynne)
Sleeping with a Friend - Neon Trees
The Breakdown - Prince
Am I Wrong - Nico & Vinz
Gold Mine - Breanne Düren

The Reminder

I write to let go
I act out here
I'm the simplest man
with hardly an ounce of bravado in real life
so don't be alarmed
don't take this all at face value
this is just a place to release
this is my home
where I let my thoughts run freely
and I may not always mean what I write after I've written
and some of these things here may just be temporary feelings