Anxious

I feel so g-ddamn empty
so less myself than ever before
'cause there are things missing
and I can't understand how to get any of it back
the instructions make no sense, never mind
there's no way
I think, anyway
even though everyone says there is
-- just breathe.

but that's a lie
'cause that's all I do when I feel this out of touch
with everything outside
gasping for air
running inside like the second hand chasing time
I ain't brave enough
to have faith enough to keep on going

the pills don't make me feel better
and I'm not a patient patient
even though you see me try
this is why--
the only good thing about a bottle of medicine is it sounds like maracas when I shake it

My Boyfriend the Ex-Boyfriend, or Déjà Vu

You're back in my life
and I've been going about just as I did
all that time ago
scraping off the eggshells at my draggy feet
watching my heart dangle at my sleeve—
it bounces against my thigh
and you laugh

Is any of this real
I ask myself all the time now
I'm not so sure
am I dreaming and this is all in my head
because I keep reciting the things I said before

Namely, please, my love, just love me enough that I feel it all over me

You didn't get it then and you promise every day
that you get it now
but all the pieces fit the same and I'm still lost
and wondering

People don't change at all even though you say you have
and will
and promise to
How can I believe any word of that if I still love you

You see, I myself have not changed

Wally

I think a lot about our first night together
at the theatre
and then at the station waiting for that damn C train to come and take us home
I never told you:
But I knew I loved you the minute you held me tight against my will
"what if somebody sees us!?" I said
and you said, "so?"
with a real smile
because, back then, you were too young to know any better
and, well, who cares who sees two people falling in love?

I hope you have fond memories of me
you're a grownup now,
by number anyway－the truth is, you were more of a grownup than me
always much older in spirit and maturity
I was never quite able to catch up to you
but, whatever...

I hope you're okay, is what I'm getting at
and even though I'd give anything to wring your neck
for everything past, present, and future
I'd quickly hug you tight right after
because you taught me so much more than I ever dared to admit
and I'll remember

Remember, too
OK?

Goals

I made a mistake and sat down on those steps
I should've been climbing on
because things got hard
and I thought I didn't stand a chance
against the others shuffling along
moving on up without me
but, I swear it,
my rest was temporary
and I'm awake, you see
I'll keep going now
and reach those landings soon enough

Is This Love?

You move me in so many ways
and I'm forever grateful
I would have suffered if I hadn't given in, I know this now
that look you gave me when you told me you would take care of things
saved me

It's a rollercoaster ride loving me so
and I often wonder if you feel the same about it
all the battles
and the mindless breakdowns I find myself lost in
anyone with half a brain would lose interest
but you haven't left me yet,
so that's something

To Troubled Boys

We do the things we do because we're sad

and though it doesn't seem as so,

we're not all bad

You see,

some time ago before we ended up this way

we were tormented

by the corrupted ways of this land

mistreated,

misdirected,

misinformed

What else would you have expected us to become?

We had no chance

New

2015 was everything I don't ever want to experience again
Every day was torture
and it felt like there was no end
no sunshine in sight
I died inside with all my might
but, for some reason,
I feel better and alive tonight

There's hope.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Inside me there's music all the time."

Joe - Alabama Shakes
She Used to Be Mine - Sara Bareilles
Coffee - Miguel
White Iverson - Post Malone
Gold - Kiiara
Try Me - DeJ Loaf
Morning Sun - Robin Thicke
Ease - Troye Sivan (w/ Broods)
Til it Happens to You - Lady Gaga
2Shy - Shura
Sorry - Justin Bieber
Bite the Bullet - Melanie Fiona
Here - Alessia Cara
Bit Too Shy - Sevana
Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole - Martha Wainwright
Ahora Que Te Vas - India

Ricardo

Let's let the music play
while you
tongue-fuck me after a drunken binge
devour my pink middle
cry because it tastes so fucking delicious
and you can't believe it
oh, yes it do 
it do 
it do—
and you don't have to wear your sunglasses at night anymore
see me?
see everything
don't be shy and awkward
the best part of me is already yours
let me take your hand and show you
you powerful leader, I'll lead you

Grow Up

You exist with your borrowed high energy
sloppy face
requesting booty
and a temporary place
your life is lost
so you go on with the help of strangers
and a clueless lover who sticks around because he knows no better
he's no better
side bars, side dicks
here, there, everywhere
you're like a little kid hopscotching and swinging all over the park
doesn't the playground get crowded and boring?
i won't play with you
i'm already gone with daddy

Whore

Let's get high on pot and poppers
kiss me in the middle while I'm on all fours
tell me it's delicious, tell me you need more and more
let's make up for all the times we tried but couldn't
the times I wouldn't take it,
and you were lousy
let's give it one more shot
I'm so much more open than before
and you'll love it because everyone does now

Stuck

I’ve got an ex who’s managed to wiggle himself inside so many men
some have been inside him too
every guy I meet knows him
and I always manage to find out later on—
there’s his big fat fucking face
smiley and squint-eyed
on their dashboard, their feed, their followers list
the world’s too small
New York’s really tiny
or he’s just a great big whore
I cringe
I cringe like a melting witch
God damn it, will he fucking disappear already?
Why is he still here,
everywhere?
I believe in signs; I pray to them, in fact
but, I don’t get this one
what’s the meaning behind seeing the wicked man you once loved everywhere you go,
in people you think will set you free, give you peace...
have all the arms in this city hugged him too!?
I can't help but wonder: is it some spirit thing,
some twisted subconscious thing
making me seek the ones he’s already devoured
because I miss him devouring me?
Maybe I’m attracted to them all because I sense him in them too
I mean,
I can still smell him to this day

I'd Rather Go Blind

If I were Ursula, I'd probably steal a voice
you'd hear me loud and clear

"Who's that boy singin'!"
they'd all go,
hand to their chests
like a heart attack's on the horizon
feelin' my words, feelin' my soul, feelin' my self—
the pain, the love, the truth—
all up inside them bodies
they'd listen
finally
and everything coming out of me would make them see me

It'd be beautiful
and it's a pity we can't choose our talents
or give up some other human thing
for another
'cause, I'd rather go blind...

Take my eyes, good God, and give me a voice

Don't Look At Me

"Look at me when I tell you I love you," you say
but I can't
because I'm scared you'll change your mind if you see the real me
the eyes reveal everything

Like how insecure I am about life,
myself,
and what I have to give

"You're too good for me," I say, my stare focused on the floor

then you lift my head up by the chin
and scream:

"I want to kill the man that killed the man you used to be. He has ruined everything."

Stupid Things

I just saw a photo of my ex and his boyfriend
and now I can't help but wonder:
why do the assholes always win?
It pains me to compare－
to be the man who suddenly thinks: but, why not me?
Still, the question is there,
painted right on my fat red face
for all the world to see
I don't get any of it
and he doesn't deserve all the love he gets.