Freud or Fraud

You can go ahead
and tell your friends
all the things you think I did
and the things you think you know about me
with your pretend degree
in psychology
apparently
Let them have your one-sided story

Classified

In search of openly gay, intelligent, god-fearing, and lovable editor
to sit inside my head
for a bit
and help me sort out these jumbled thoughts
these confounding ideas keeping me
from being me
crisscrossing inside this skull like rabid jumping jacks on the fourth of July
I'm not crazy but I swear I am!
He must be brave
with pecs to boot
intimidate the doubts echoing inside
sift through the icky things
make something of everything
because I am done
I have tried
and I can't help but think I should have just died
that time I almost did

My Music Awards VI

Grammy nominations will be announced tonight.  There have been quite a few category changes in the last couple years and, to be honest, I’m not sure if most of the changes have been fair or make sense, particularly for a year like 2013.  One such change: making Grammy categories genderless.  If ever there were a year where gender separation made sense, it’d be this one.  This year, there have been too many great songs to whittle down and pit into a single category of five or six. 

Because of this, I’m going to guess that this year’s Grammy choices will mostly be about popularity rather than quality.  There just won't be enough categories to nominate the lesser known stuff.  Justin Timberlake, Taylor Swift, Jay Z, and Katy Perry will reap nominations for sure. But I wonder if acts like Rhye, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, Tamar Braxton, Haim, and Sara Bareilles will be recognized.  The Grammy’s are notorious for honoring the obscure artist from time to time, but those with bigger names have made much bigger splashes this year than ever before so I don’t see that happening this go around.  

Below are my choices for the best in music of 2013.  For the first time, I don’t think there is a clear frontrunner for most of the categories so I’ll list multiple “winners” instead.  

Album of the Year
The Heist. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.
With three hit singles so far, this has proven to be the best hip-hop album of the year.  Forget Kanye West's "Yeezus."  This is it.  This independently produced album has made a great impact critically, socially, and commercially and for good reason.
Honorable Mention: "The Blessed Unrest" by Sara Bareilles.  It's this year's "21" in my opinion.  The album is amazing from start to finish. 

Record of the Year

"Brave" – Sara Bareilles.

The song is an anthem for those of us who need a little push to be, well, brave. It’s an encouraging song that’s catchy, beautiful, and quite frankly a major step away from the trendy stuff on radio—and thank God for that. Say what you will about Katy Perry’s “Roar” but this came first. 

Honorable Mentions: 

“We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus—the girl acts like a joke but her music is incredible.  There’s no way industry folks will nominate this song for Record of the Year but let’s be honest: it’s a great jam and deserves some kudos, in spite of its subject matter.  It’s a shame Miley’s crazy stage antics take away from her good voice.  

"Gorilla" by Bruno Mars—this is another one with very daring lyrics. Singing about sex and drug use is popular this year, apparently. Still, together with his voice and great music, it's a powerful song.  It's honest, too. 

“Royals” by Lorde—was there a bigger song this year? She’s the anti-Miley outcast hero voice of her generation. (Actually, I’m much older and I think she’s the voice of me as well.)  She’s essentially 17 going on 105, with wisdom and courage to boot.

“Thrift Shop” by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis w/ Wanz—a funny, intelligent, and hip-hop masterpiece. 

Song of the Year

"Brave" – Sara Bareilles.

The words are important at a time when bullying is so popular in America.  

Best New Artist

Tamar Braxton, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Rhye, Phillip Phillips, and Lorde are my favorite new artists this year.  

Best Pop Solo Performance

"Brave" – Sara Bareilles. 

Honorable Mention: "Blurred Lines" – Robin Thicke

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance

"The Fall" – Rhye

Honorable Mention:  "Don't Save Me" – Haim

Best Pop Vocal Album

"The Blessed Unrest"  – Sara Bareilles

Best Dance Recording

"Applause"  – Lady Gaga

Honorable Mention: "Clarity" – Zedd w/ Foxes

Best Rock Performance

"Still Into You" – Paramore

Best R&B Performance

"Love & War" – Tamar Braxton

Honorable Mention: "Side Effects of You" and "Lose to Win" – Fantasia

Best R&B Album

"Love & War" – Tamar Braxton

Seriously, this is the best R&B album I've heard in a very long time.  

Best Rap Performance

"Thrift Shop" – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
"Same Love" – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis w/ Mary Lambert

Best Latin Pop, Rock, or Urban Album
"3.0" – Marc Anthony

Producer of the Year
Ryan Lewis

Freaks

A few weeks ago, someone called me a freak. I don’t know why but for some strange reason, the word felt like a blow to my face or a knife on my back.  I guess the word had more of an impact on me because it came from someone who always seemed nice and relatively peaceful.  Or could it be the blow was so strong because I am a freak and just haven’t accepted it?  I don’t know for sure but what I do know is this: the word bothered me and I don’t think I deserved it one bit.

I am not the most polite man in the world but I do think I am rather nice. I don’t like insults. I don’t like to hail them at others no matter how outlandish I think someone may be. I do my best to maintain a polite tongue and if I feel the urge to insult someone, I try to back off and zip the lip. I use the power of the written word and write a silly poem about my feelings. I pray, meditate, and reflect.  I ask myself, why do I want to insult this person?  What about him is bothering me?  This leads me to sometimes realize it’s more about me than it is about the person I want to insult.

I learned a long time ago that most insults are sort of a defense mechanism.  Those who do the insulting are generally just trying to protect their own feelings.  I caught the man in a lie and although it was just a silly lie, I guess he felt embarrassed by it when I pointed it out. He felt the need to defend himself and so he figured insulting me was the best way to do that.   Sometimes I think I should have insulted him right back. I should have said something to hurt him too.  But I’m mostly proud I didn’t go that route.  Instead, I simply told him that it wasn’t OK to call me a freak.  I went about it firmly but peacefully.  I’m just that kind of guy.  

Oxford's definition of the word is below.  Would it bother you if someone called you a freak?

•      (also freak of nature) a person, animal, or plant with an unusual physical abnormality.

•     informal. a person regarded as strange because of their unusual appearance or behavior.

The Art of Letting Go on Twitter

On Monday, Lady Gaga released her new studio album, Artpop.  Thus, this week and many weeks thereafter I will tweet profusely about every emotion I encounter and every insane or profound thought the divine Miss G will invoke in me as I listen to the new CD.  I will tweet a lot about it. I will tweet in caps sometimes.  I will tweet lyrics and pretty little photos of the pretty little lady, too. I will do this and I will do this proudly because I love her and it will be so hard to contain the urge to talk about anything other than Artpop.

If you feel you must unfollow me because of this, I will not hold it against you.  I can respect that.  Hardly anyone reads me, I am sure, but this time around, I am certain you will notice my tweets—now more than ever.  There will be so much excitement to let go of and Twitter will be my forum.

Of course, I do not want you to fret and expect one hundred tweets an hour on Lady Gaga.  I promise it will not go that far. At least I do not think it will go that far.  It would annoy me if someone flooded my timeline with thoughts on just one subject. Although, to be honest, I have had to put up with loads of certain tweets myself. But that's what Twitter is all about, though. Right?

There are those who go on week-long (!) political tirades, but I don’t say anything.

I put up with the sports enthusiasts,

the Tumblr junkies,

the gaggle of other artist fans and their dedication to their own favorite artist,

the scorned,

lovelorn,

torn,

hate speech writers…

the list

goes

on.

So, love me just a little bit more and do your best to put up with me this month. Let me let my people recognize:  I love Lady Gaga so much I could die.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

“Let the kid inside you dance with the grownup outside.”

Where Are We Going - Remy Shand
Pumpin Blood - Nonono
Salute - Little Mix 
Well Absolutely - Body Language
To Dust - Alice Russell
Unconditionally - Katy Perry
My Darlin' - Miley Cyrus w/ Future
White Walls - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis w/ Schoolboy Q & Hollis
Little Black Dress - Sara Bareilles
Stay and Fight - Tamar Braxton
Say Something - A Great Big World w/ Christina Aguilera
Team - Lorde
Day or Night - Judith Hill
Gorilla - Bruno Mars
Bad Day - Justin Bieber

Liar

I didn't get the opportunity to tell you how I feel
and it burns me every day
because you ought to know
how horrible you really are
even though you pretend not to be.

It didn't take long for me to realize
you were a bigger dick than the little one between your fat thighs
a lying man
with a clichéd tongue
so unoriginal!
with your uninspiring words
mister opportunistic
scheming, smooth
melodramatic
greedy, love-slut, fool
—though I'm a fool too because I gave you five minutes of my time

You're a joke
and I'm grateful I laughed it off before it was too late.

We Can't Hide From the Things We Do

I don’t know much about anything

I’m probably dumber than I think

But, what I know for sure—

what I know

more than most things I’ve processed inside my itty-bitty mind

is this:

we get what we give.

Yes,
remember this.

Because you will get your just deserts.

Big Baby

Sometimes I’m scared to do the things I know I need to do

Like make important medical appointments whenever I feel something’s wrong with my body

or organize my finances

and learn to drive

It takes a while for me to get things done

I panic and procrastinate

Without a push and hand to hold, I give up

I wish I had my Mommy to help me

even though I’m way too old to expect help with such things now

I guess this is how we’re meant to feel when we’re deprived of those motherly years
We never get to really grow up

If I were straight, I’d find a wife a to fill the void

Rest in peace though, Mommy

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Let the tunes melt the woes."

 

Primadonna – Marina and the Diamonds

Work – Iggy Azalea

We Remain – Christina Aguilera

Genesis – Grimes

Hunger - Rhye

Elastic Heart – Sia

Don’t Save Me – Haim

Hey Love – Quadron

Wildest Moments – Jessie Ware

[One of Those] Crazy Girls – Paramore

Life – Beckah Shae

Gone, Gone, Gone – Phillip Phillips

Safe and Sound – Capital Cities

What Was Lost

I wrote the most intense piece I’ve written in a long time. The Blogger website is a nightmare to use and as I was editing the piece, everything was lost. I’m so drained right now. I want to cry.  I don’t know why I continue to waste my time with this site.   

It’s a real pain in the neck to express myself sometimes, particularly if I'm expressing some personal shit.  It’s extremely draining.  It’s a great relief to see it all out in front of me, though. It's worth the pain.  But it’s a gunshot to the face to see it disappear. 

Turn of Events

I don’t know what to expect from this

I never thought of you

in any real way

You’ve always been an acquaintance,

someone I knew a lot about

but didn’t think I could care too much about

—at least not romantically

I never thought we’d hold hands

I never imagined sleeping in your bed,

your head against my back

and arms embracing me

Yet, here I am

Saturday night

and it's scary to think where things will go from here.

Dear Eddie

I’ve never been into you

You’re not my type at all

You’re a ladies’ man,

and I was never a fan

But today I can’t get you out of my head

I can’t remember the last time I saw you

Just two days ago, though, I dreamt about you

We ran into each other at H&M

After how many years!?

We locked eyes

and as I walked towards the fitting rooms

you followed right behind me

In an empty room—

no words exchanged—

you lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around you

You caressed my ass

I kissed your neck

You, 5’11 and strong

Me, 5’8 and meek

Faux-fucking with our clothes on

“I’ve always wanted to do this to you,” you finally said.

And then I woke up.

I guess I’ll lust after you for God knows how long thanks to this—

this damn dream

And I’ll think of all those days we sat next to each other

at church

and I never thought to let my knee touch your knee

Or those late nights you knocked on my bedroom window just to talk

and we talked and talked and talked to the early morning 
Maybe if I had invited you in

we could’ve talked and cuddled in bed instead

and made something,

you know?

You’re married now
and I wish you well.

Two-Face

Sometimes we dance our little salsa

Like husband and wife

You and me

We’re such a fantastic match

Oh, the laughs!

But that’s on a good day

'cause there are days you wake up on the wrong side of the mattress

It seems

And I can never tell

Should I say hello

Or wait and see

You Gemini thing

For Hope

It's been a dismal August in New York City for those of us who love lots of sunlight.  We've had too many days of rain and gray skies keeping us from hitting the beaches and pools.  Summer is almost gone and we haven't felt much of it this month.  It's expected to reach near 90° weather this week though so there's hope still.  July was so very hot and excellent. I'm praying the last couple weeks of August are somewhat similar.

As I type this in bed near the window, I see that there's sunlight creeping through.  I'm blasting "Wings" by Birdy in dedication. Dear Sun—don't be shy today and I won't be either.

Let's dance.