Before & After

I never liked the man I was when you were around
I wasn't always happy; I used to get so angry
I was never really me and I'm sorry about all that

It's not enough to apologize for this,
to spit this out here and confess it to whoever is reading
because no matter how much I tried
I didn't do my best
and I hurt the both us because of it

But you see, you never made it easy
I always managed to let you get to me,
to let your ridiculous philosophies affect me
like a gnat flying in my face
or an angry truck driver and his road rage
you pestered
and bickered
and let me know time and time again
my love was never-ever enough

I used to think I needed you
that's the only reason why I put up with you
everyone else would tell me: "he means well"
Because you're a good guy on paper
"give him a chance," they'd go
but they didn't know:
there's more to you than meets the eye
and you're alone—
friendless and unloved—for a very obvious reason
I will never-ever forget that.

Please Don't Go

O, Lord, what kind of fountain is the Fountain of Love
of which I have tasted but a drop and wept a river.

Death is a motherfucker.

Right?

There's a reason for everything

Supposedly

But I wonder if that's true

Who came up with this so-called saying?

I need to know

'cause there are things happening, 

challenges I'm facing

and I'm wondering what the reason behind all this is

I can't make it out

What's the point

and purpose?

Is there even one?

When I die and I meet the maker, He better have a fat binder full of my life experiences

And there better be a list of reasons for why each happened 

I want answers 

Because life can't happen for no reason

The Pain Stays

I can't fix what's broken
and this downward spiral won't suddenly relax,
unclog,
or change
I am who I am now

I can't erase what's happened
and the blocks I've built won't come down no matter what
I am forever changed
I can't flush the wounds and pain away

Dos

You pretend you're an angel, but you'll never have wings
Always stranded with your broken dreams
Your limp is telling－
that defeated gait, those miserable eyes:
I can see through all your lies
I'm more of a witch than you'll ever be
I see everything.
That blithe heart is filled with holes
no-frills, imitation
Fooling everyone is your ultimate goal
But I rise,
'cause I have weapons to rebuke your corrupted soul

I Am Vile

I am a terrible person
because I didn't see you
the hundreds of times you tried
I am vile,
pure filth
I am nothing
because I didn't commit

When I had to care for three babies
I should've made time for you
When I had to nurse the sick back to health
I shouldn't have let it interfere with anything in your life
Because your needs were supposed to come first
And it didn't matter at all if all the world happened to fall
I should've been at your door before your call

Invincible

I'd be dead if I were deaf.  The voice inside would get too loud.  I'd drown. Imagine? Where would I be if I couldn't hear people sing? I keep listening to Kelly Clarkson's "Invincible" today.  Music saves. This song is helping some. I don't want to kill myself today. I don't feel afraid anymore. I listen with the stereo on loud. The neighbors are away so it's all OK.

Happy tears today.
Happy tears for life now.

Like Water

The tears are flowing like water today
I see her
I feel her
I close my eyes and she's still here
I open them and she goes
Grandma, come back
Stay a while now
I need you now
Don't leave now

So Cold

It's fitting
These snowstorms this winter make so much sense
This intense cold weather mocks me:
I'm an Ice Queen these days.

I can't see straight anymore
I'm blowing about here and there
I want to jump off buildings
Drown myself in a frozen lake
Something, anything
To get rid of me

I want to scream at the world
Throw stones at fools
Why won't everyone just let me be?
I'm crazy.

Life's different
I will never be the same again
I lost my smile,
my touch,
my heart's buried now

Grandma

I can't shake these shakes
my legs are all over the place
I'm so nervous all day
everywhere I rest, there are little earthquakes
I'm asleep inside but I'm awake
I can't breathe OK

I miss you.

RIP

And, just like that,
I have another angel watching over me.

Stay Alive

I sit here tonight
watching my grandmother
as she sleeps, snores, struggles to breathe
inside her heart is dying
and every other organ is slowly following because of it
I stare at her
so strong, so sweet, so beautiful
tears run down my face
I pray, I wish, I hope, I plead
for miracles and good health
I don't know anyone who deserves it more than she

Perfume

I miss you
so, to make like you are here
I thought it'd be sweet
if I doused myself in your favorite scent
I stole it
last time you asked me over
But now I smell like a broken heart
because you're not here
holding me beneath these thick blankets
This whiff is irritating
and I can't help but wish I had a match now
to light myself on fire
your perfume, my gasoline
What was I thinking?

Alexander II

Let's go to Stonewall again,
play pool,
and skirt around all that sexual tension that keeps us from effectively communicating—
because maybe,
just maybe
there can be peace between us finally

Stand there,
smirk and pout like you do with that beautiful mouth
while I dance around the great green felt
contemplating my next move
watch me forget my balls and
help you sink all your stripes
just to prove my point

I want to take care of you

Can You Guess Who?

Of all my exes,
there's 1 I'd take back,
1 I'd still fuck,
and 1 I'd like to shoot right in the middle of the face