My Music Awards II

It's that time again. Grammy nominations will be announced in just ten days. As always, here are my choices.

Record of the Year:
"I Gotta Feeling" - Black Eyed Peas.
I dare anyone to listen to this and not get the urge to dance. The song makes you feel so good and I'm definitely not the only one who thinks so. With mad weeks at #1, it's clear loads of people love this track. Honorable mentions: "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga, "You Belong With Me" - Taylor Swift, "Use Somebody" - King of Leon, and "Single Ladies" - Beyoncé.

Album of the Year:
"The Fame" – Lady Gaga.
Yes! Honorable mentions: "I Am...Sasha Fierce" - Beyoncé, "The E.N.D." - Black Eyed Peas, and "Fearless" - Taylor Swift.

Song of the Year (songwriters award):
"Use Somebody" – Kings of Leon.
It's magic, through and through.

Best New Artist:
N/A.
I have been thinking about this category for a while now. To be honest, I can't come up with any new artist that's made an impression on me this year. The only true artist wholly deserving of this award is Lady Gaga, but according to ridiculous Grammy rules, she isn't eligible. She received a nomination for Best Dance Recording last year and so that eliminates her from this category this year. Confusing and ridiculous of course. Anyway, I'm betting this will go to a country act. Or probably one of those auto-tuned, processed, and potted singers like Justin Bieber, Kid Cudi, Jason Derulo, Jay Sean, or some other. Who knows? It would be really neat and truly bad ass if Grammy voters nominated the Glee Cast as a group. Certainly, then, this category will be worth a dime. Long shots: Laura Izibor and Janelle Monáe.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:
"Poker Face" – Lady Gaga.
No contest. If Taylor Swift is nominated here, I'm going to be very, very, very, angry. This award belongs to Lady Gaga. Period. Honarable mention: "Please Don't Leave Me" - P!nk.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance:
"Sweet Dreams" – Beyoncé.
Honorable mentions: "Return the Favor" - Keri Hilson, "Million Dollar Bill" - Whitney Houston.

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance:
"Pretty Wings (Uncut)" – Maxwell.

Best Contemporary R&B Album:
"The E.N.D." – Black Eyed Peas.

Best R&B Album:
"I Am...Sasha Fierce" – Beyoncé.
Honorable mention: "BLACKsummers'night" - Maxwell.

Best Urban/Alternative Performance:
“Love to Love You Less” – Nikka Costa.
Honorable mention: "Many Moons" - Janelle Monáe.

Best Dance Recording:
“Poker Face” – Lady Gaga.
All.Hail. Honorable mentions: "When Love Takes Over" - David Guetta & Kelly Rowland, "Dance Bailalo" - Kat DeLuna, and "Sweet Disposition" - The Temper Trap.

It could be worse

"It could be worse."

I’ve heard that a million times. People tell me. I tell myself. They say it; I say it. It’s everywhere. You have an issue, you tell yourself:

"It could be worse."

It almost alleviates the problem. There’s a temporary sigh of relief immediately following. But truth be told, I hate this saying.

It stinks. Plain and simple. It diminishes what I feel, what you feel, what we all feel.

"It could be worse."

It takes away the power of your pain. It unfairly leads you to believe that what you’re going through is of little importance, or not important at all.

You lost your mother, but it could be worse.

You lost your home, but it could be worse.

You can barely afford to eat a warm meal, but it could be worse.

No!

Fuck that. Things are worse, as worse as it can get for you at that point. Period. I have to stop letting people try to make me feel selfish or dramatic for the pain inside me. I've got to let it be because that's how you begin the healing.

It's your worse. It’s your pain. It’s your obstacle. It’s valid. It’s important. It is yours and it is your own version of worse. Not many people will understand that.

People say such things to bring about a sense of peace. It’s like when we say “things happen for a reason,” or “when God closes a door, he opens another.” But no more. We should stop. I'm going to stop. I know how good it makes us feel to say these things but truthfully, it doesn't help one bit.

"It could be worse."

That does nothing but push the pain away for later.

How is that supposed to help?

I Got You

It’s done. I know it. It’s been done a very long time already. I’m not ever gonna push for it to happen again. I promise. There’s no need to drag you through my hell once more. There’s no need to drag myself into yours either. We need peace. But when you fall off your wagon, when you feel lost or pushed into some dark aside, remember to run to me. Because my heart is still yours, no matter who actually holds it now or in the future. You may never get to touch me again and I may never get to feel your kisses too, but my help and my ears are always yours to use.

I got you. Even if you’ve got a limited supply of assistance to offer to me, and even if you continue with your guarded talk, the dryness won’t tackle the fact that I’m gonna be nice. That’s just who Evan is.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"It's in the heart most times."

Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
I Got You - Leona Lewis
Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart - Alicia Keys
Feliz - Kany Garcia
Free Me - Joss Stone
Call Me - Joell Ortiz (w/ Novel)
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Me Dueles - La Quinta Estación
Therapy - India.Arie
Loca - Aleks Syntek
Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
Russian Roulette - Rihanna
Gracias a la Vida - Mercedes Sosa

Tragedy.

The scariest, most disgusting thing you'll ever know.

Gay 19-year-old Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado of Puerto Rico is attacked, dismembered, and decapitated by a man who claims self defense.

Click here.

Latin Women Pray

In incense churches
They pray in Spanish to an Anglo God
With Jewish heritage.
And this Great White Father
Imperturbable in his marble pedestal
Looks down upon his brown daughters
Votive candles shinning like lust
In his all seeing eyes
Unmoved by their persistent prayers.

Yet year after year
Before his image they kneel
Margarita Josefina Maria and Isabel
All fervently hoping
That if not omnipotent
At least he be bilingual.

Judith Ortiz Confer

an observation

The worst kind of person is the one who stops the world when he is sad but rolls his eyes at you when you are sad.

Make it Without You

I don't think I've ever been able to completely articulate my feelings verbally without crying or stopping halfway. I have never been strong enough to express myself to anyone. Ever. I can't.

Thankfully, I have this blog here and, luckily, there's music too.

Tonight, I have this on repeat. Every single line coming out of her mouth is what I've been trying to yell out for so long.

"Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart."

Dear Gentle Suitors:

The truth is out. I’m a mysterious figment of your imagination. Enigmatic and fictitious. I'm not real at all. In fact, these words aren’t real too. It's all pretend. I'm in your head. Now stop it, and let me go.

KW

"Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so."

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"The beat goes on."

Doesn't Mean Anything - Alicia Keys
In Step - FrankMusik
Many Moons - Janelle Monáe
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
Electricidad - Jesse & Joy
Empire State of Mind - Jay Z & Alicia Keys
Meet Me Halfway - Black Eyed Peas
Adios - Jesse & Joy
Wake Up - Sliimy
Bullets in the Sky - Nikka Costa
Confusion Girl - FrankMusik
Dance Bailalo - Kat DeLuna
I Ain't Hearin' U - Angie Stone
Walking on Air - Kerli
Blackbird - Sarah Mclachlan
Us - Regina Spektor
Chasing Pirates - Norah Jones
Smoke - Natalie Imbruglia
Let Him Fly - Patty Griffin

W.U.S.S.

“...Days change but my feelings are forever

The snow falls and I thought that we could weather the storm
I know that we can’t be together forever
and everything has changed since you went away...” M.T.

A friend of mine and I got to talking about breakups the other day. He’d just ended a long term relationship and I had been through a breakup as well a few months before so we had a lot to compare and contrast.

One thing we both shared was the fact that we both had been in love, or had loved profusely — however you want to put it.

Anyway, we both really cared for our boyfriends. We had even introduced our partners to our families, a first for us. It was that serious and we were that smitten.

“We used to text song lyrics to each other,” I told him.

“We’d have cigarette breaks together throughout our work day, except we never smoked. It was just an excuse we'd use to call each other,” he told me.

That’s how love is.

My friend and I ended our respective relationships “amicably." In some way, in spite of the goddamn magnetic forces, we knew our love to be bad and so we all decided to let go. Of course, for me, I haven't completely let go.

It’s been hard to keep away entirely. When you spend nearly two years offering every piece of yourself to the same man, it’s tough to move on. If you truly loved the person, it's never supposed to go away. It shouldn't, right?

How to re-program yourself and remind yourself that calling him “babe” or saying “I love you” has to stop? If the breakup was a sane and healthy one, why do we have to act as if one has wronged the other?

My ex is good at letting go. I could lose a limb or a loved one and still he won’t budge to comfort me. I tell myself, “It must be his defenses. He’s guarding his heart.” But come to think of it, that doesn’t really make much sense. Two years of shared memories, experiences, wishes, kisses, and song lyrics galore! How on earth does one pretend not to care after all that? Even with all the foolish disagreements, does the love vanish when the “in a relationship” status changes? Is he a coward or the bravest man on earth for having the strength to erase me?

I wonder.

Tonight I find myself asking, what on earth does it take to retire those sweet nothings, to erase all the concern and desire to reach out?

My Tube

I have to say, this has been one of the best years in television. I've never been an avid tube watcher but it seems I can't help but be hooked to all these TV shows this year. The only day I'm without the remote control in my hand is Tuesday. For all the other days, here's what I'm watching.

Monday:
Lie to Me

Wednesday:
America's Next Top Model
Modern Family
Cougar Town
Glee

Thursday:
Vampire Diaries
Grey's Anatomy
Private Practice

Friday:
Ugly Betty

Thank goodness for DVR!

MLK

"Man was born into barbarism when killing his fellow man was a normal condition of existence. He became endowed with a conscience. And he has now reached the day when violence toward another human being must become as abhorrent as eating another's flesh."

Maybe This Time

"All the odds are in my favor. Something's bound to begin.
It's got to happen, happen sometime.
Maybe this time I'll win."

My Somber Blog (a note to the reader)

A few of my readers have been concerned about my blog's dark tone. I tend to focus on the negative and write mostly sad things. It's true, I know. But I can't help it! The melancholic notes move me!

Be that as it may, I want to entertain my audience (the two or three of you that is). What you say matters. So, from now on, I'm going to try my best to include some lighter posts.

Here and there I'll mix and add smiley things to make you laugh and relax as you read the dark and twisty stuff in between.

selah.

Marques Toliver

Marques Toliver is a musician you must get to know. Hailing from Brooklyn, the budding artist boasts a string of talents. He is a violinist, filmmaker, composer, and singer. Marques Toliver released his first single, Traveling Soldier, in March.

Take a look at the clips below. The first is his video for the first single and the second is a clip of him singing Attendre/Sights and Sounds of the City live. He's a magical man and he's got quite a lovely face. I am in love.

Marques 4 from Bon Duke on Vimeo.

Bill Stout

"Whether or not you write well, write bravely."

"I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Shh. Sip it up."

Evacuate the Dancefloor - Cascada
One Love - David Guetta (w/ Estelle)
Million Dollar Bill - Whitney Houston
Vacación - Nelly Furtado
Need to be Next to You - Leigh Nash
Coming Around - A Fine Frenzy
I Believe - Jonny Lang

Write to Live.

"There are thoughts that have the power to trap me. I write them down to be more honest about them and lessen their potential to do harm. There's a war inside me."

Rodney Evans
writer of the film Brother to Brother

W.

No matter who you miss or who you're without,
the world continues to move, the rivers flow, life goes on...
Still, though,
lovers always seem to think that they'll go nuts without the one they want

Tonight that's how i feel
and I'm sure eventually the burn will subside
I'll grow from this, right?

Someday, I've heard, this pain will be useful to me.

A&E

a/e

it was true
and I realized before I was dragging on the floor
that to be strong I'd have to stop you from ever coming through my door
and if he's real
I'll let you be and explore
(I know I must)
and although it's you I still adore
i'll keep away
and kill the desire to burn his store

'cause i can't love you no more.

Be Mine!

I saw you at the park
You had your head against what's his name
At one point your eyes met
and it was pretty
seeing you snap, snap, snap away
to keep the memory locked forever I guess.

The new muse.

You looked happy
and that's great
But I just miss you
That's all.

But you never were
and you never will be mine.

Simone de Beauvoir

To catch a husband is an art;

to hold him is a job.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Let it in and dance it out."

Make It Take It - Amanda Blank
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
One Night Stand - Jazmine Sullivan
Because of Boys - Robyn
Addicted2Me - Anjulie
Leaving You Behind - Amanda Blank (w/ Lykke Li)
Heavy Cross - Gossip
Ambitions - Donkey Boy
Celebration - Madonna
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
A Love Song - Amanda Blank

Lady Gaga

Dear God,

When I wake up tomorrow, can I wake up as her?

The Bachelor

So I took a personality quiz to find out what type of dating person I am. The result was quite funny. Check it out...

The Bachelor
Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSM)

Straight-up. Studly. Congratulations, you are The Bachelor.

You’re an honest, good-thinking guy, and though you’re very sexually active, people don’t perceive you as a male-slut or man-whore or guy-dick-putter-inner or whatever. You have a sterling reputation.

You’re a careful person, perhaps too much so for your friends’ tastes, but guys like that in you. You probably don’t kiss & tell. And you definitely don’t brag. You know you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. It’s as if you believe in monogamy, so long as it’s with lots of different people.

Our guess is that you’ve got some kind of word-of-mouth going with the boys out there, and that in the future, your sex partners will get even more plentiful, and more attractive, too.

You will settle down eventually, and make an excellent husband. You seem like the type who is into the idea of making copies of yourself, so you’ll probably adopt kids. Bear in mind, meanwhile, this can get expensive.

ALTERNATE ENDING: You will die broke and alone. Vermin will feast on your ragged body for five days before the groundskeeper notices. The thing is, when somebody dies in a public restroom, the natural odor of his decomposing flesh is often masked by the feces smell.

go west

go now, go
let it be and dance it up
ride the winds
breathe in that special air
god is there

let go of your troubles
forget it!
you are free for a bit
unwind
find a beau and make love

don't hide!
swallow the sad act
and let it die
even if it's just for a tiny while

go now, go

Teenage Love Affair

Stop Loss

However many times and ways I push you away, please don’t go.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Sing it, Girl."

I Am Not a Robot - Marina & the Diamonds
Get Out of My Way - Ayo
Manos al Aire - Nelly Furtado
Loba - Shakira
Pretty Wings (Uncut) - Maxwell
Shine - Laura Izibor
Were the World Mine - Tanner Cohen
Fallin' For You - Colbie Caillat
Shawty is Da Shi*! - The Dream (w/ Fabolous)
Just Ain't Gonna Work Out - Mayer Hawthorne
Summerboy - Lady Gaga
I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
I Believe in You - Kylie Minogue
Return the Favor - Keri Hilson
When Love Takes Over - David Guetta (w/ Kelly Rowland)
Confusion Girl - Frankmusik

Neda

In a place where screaming out your beliefs will get you killed, Neda took a bullet to the heart. The heart, damn it -- that magic piece of our complex bodies where all things come alive!

You have to read the attached article and see the video.

This is the world we live in! And WE take our liberties for granted sometimes. I can go out and raise a sign blasting Obama. I can go dancing at a parade full of fruits and such. I can oppose oppose oppose freely and openly. But some can’t.

F*ck! This makes me angry. God, have mercy. The heavens must be shaking now.

Neda! Her soft face! Her young life! Those eyes with a hundred stories to tell – oh, but the million reasons why she couldn’t!

This video is extremely graphic. I do not recommend viewing it if you’re sensitive in any way. I do recommend reading the article though. So copy and paste the link below.

http://gawker.com/5299414/neda-the-face-of-a-revolution

Home

I woke up this morning
and finally realized
I no longer miss him.

Now, I may rest.

confusion boy (shame shame shame)

i could be it
if you just let me in
quiet, closet man
"i don't want to get attached,"
you say
and what a shame shame shame shame
but whatever
i'll be ok
(eventually)

still,
you write
requesting hugs
and sex sex sex
"i miss you," you say
and i cry.

Pride.

At the end of the month, NYC's annual Pride parade will take place. We get a day, but fuck it -- I'm making it a month!

Happy Pride!

At First Sight

Oh!

let it be this way

he'll see me,
and I'll see him

and we'll both know.

esperalo...

If you're in N.Y.

www.newyorkequality.com

fifty fifty

i can give you the ocean
if you want it
i'll figure out some way to get it to you
if you ask for it
and you need it
it's yours

i just hope
when i ask for rocks
you'll bring me boulders galore

Blind Boy

What is love? Can somebody show me? I wear glasses you know.

Locked Heart

I will pretend...
--be a mute and a zombie
to keep from telling you
the stupid things that always come out
I’ll wear a stiff face
like you
lock my head if I have to
keep the signals down
because you’ve lost me
and I’ll melt the key
you watch and see.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"In music I trust."

Ego - Beyonce
I'm a Lady - Santigold
If You Want me - Marketa Irglova
Waking Up in Vegas - Katy Perry
Ugly - Sugarbabes
Tell Him - Colbie Caillat
Fly - J. Holiday
Water and a Flame - Daniel Merriweather & Adele
What is Love - Jennifer Lopez

Crash: 21 yrs later.

Dear Mommy,

If I had known.

If I had known!

There are a million things I would have done differently.

There would have been more kisses
and a million hugs
I would have painted more pictures for you at school
I would have behaved
and given you a bunch of reasons to smile.

I don’t remember the day
and I curse my stolen memory
because it would do me good
to see you holding my hand
when we were hit.

I know it.

Word Warp, IV

Care for me, care for me You said you care for me There for me, there for me Said you'd be there for me Cry for me, cry for me You said you'd die for me Give to me,give to me Why won't you live for me? Lauryn is still so relevent. You too.

Subway Story

Have you ever seen a stranger on a subway platform
and wondered, as you stared, what it would be like
to hold him,
to nestle your face on his neck--
that little lover's nook--
as he reads a novel in bed

This has happened to me
and I wonder what it is
where does it come from
and does it say anything about me

Why do I desire embraces from perfect strangers?

Oh,
and as I stare
if they look back
I always make up perfect scenarios
on how life would be if we were together

for example:
in five minutes
we're on a beach--
vacation
drinking cocktails and
holding hands

later, there are even wedding bells!

is this needy
or romantic?

I. C.

the one line post

i want to call you and ask for help, but no.

irving.

i now know
because of this
that my poor bed
flies
through the clouds

i'll explain...

you made your way
to my crooked place
at two
you quiet, closet man
and stared.

my poor nerves!

I rolled my eyes
and laughed it off.
“Don’t stare,”
I asked
and you mocked me.

We began…
and oh, how you were gentle!

afterward
you stared some more
I quickly sat behind you
and wrapped my legs around you
you were trapped in my embrace
and as I held you tight
kissing your back
you caressed my arms
and asked

“can we cuddle?”

and it’s my fragile state that keeps you alive
‘til this day
because a one night stand is never supposed to last.

The Radical Woman

Check this out... It's exactly how I feel.

"Who gave us permission to perform the act of writing? Why does it seem so unnatural for me? I’ll do anything to postpone it- empty the trash, answer the telephone… How hard it is for us to think we can choose to become writers, much less feel and believe that we can. What have we to contribute, to give? Our own expectations condition us."

Stuck.

I haven't been inspired to write in a while. There are many reasons for this. First, whenever I do finally conjure up the inspiration to create, nothing coherent comes out. Secondly, I've been afraid and ashamed to release for fear of sounding stupid or childish. Sometimes, I guess, I'm my worst critic. It hurts.

I can't forget that there's also a great deal of laziness which plagues me. It's like I've got heavy weights placed right on top of my hands which keep me from moving my fingers to and fro. It's a disease really. I know I'm facing some sort of developmental error, perhaps a nutritional deficiency, which has made pencils and pens too heavy to grasp anymore.

Vitamins?
Maybe.

Gossip Folk

I don’t need a recorder
I’ve got echoes
and buzzing bees which speak for me anyway
There’s no way I can hide
Even if I try
and that’s the way it goes.
Too bad, you know?

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Sometimes we need a little funkiness."

Epiphany - Chrisette Michele
Sunday - Sia
Where D'You Go - Jamie Lidel
Quiet Fire - Melody Gardot
Better Off As Two - FrankMusik
She Loves Everybody - Chester French
Stop the Clock - Jean
Just Like Heaven - Kat Edmonson
Wonder Why - Julian Perretta
Truly in Love - Lil' Mama
Obsession - Animotion
Rich Woman - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

Rent.

Did you know, did you know...

It's out on DVD. A fine and very rare treat. Go get it and let it move you! It's recorded live and it's unfucking real. You will love it.

There's nothing like it and there will never be anything like it.

Vlad

Vladstudio.com is the project of Russian digital artist Vlad Gerasimov.

This guy has been creating computer wallpapers for a while now. He's just so damn amazing.

Check his site out. www.vladstudio.com.

Here's a sample out of hundreds he's created.

Word Warp, III.

sleepless. where's jesus? i think i'm alone now. the bed is small. the sheets make me hot. but i shiver without them. there's no peace in between. god damn it! cravings. no food. poor. where's the money? i can't see. it's only day three! fucking week. the winds are heavy. carry me!

a Ha!

Oscar.

This is going to be the Oscar show to watch. Aside from Supporting Actor, there isn't a single category with a sure enough winner. It's anyone's guess, really. And I love that!

As is the case every year, I've read an assortment of articles predicting the results. Some awards guru's are relying on so-called scientific evidence, many are focusing in on patterns from seasons passed, but most are simply running with gut instinct. Who's it gonna be? Here are my choices.

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire.
It took a second viewing of the film to get my vote. It's got all the elements of a good film. Namely: suspense, drama, awe inspiring direction, great acting, and, of course, love. I had originally considered The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. In its scope, it is quite epic. It is a visual treat. But that's it, really. It tends to drag a little and it never resonated with me. I wasn't inspired. I didn't leave the theatre feeling hopeful. It's beautiful but it's missing that magic touch. Slumdog Millionaire has it all.

Best Actor: Sean Penn
Frankly, Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke both deserve it. If I had to pick just one though, I'd pick Sean Penn.

Best Actress: Meryl Streep.
Everyone is saying this is Kate Winslet's year. But, am I the only one who feels The Reader is complete trash? It is the most dizzying and frustrating film I've seen in a long time. It's a story that'll leave you feeling unfulfilled and angry. Of course, Kate Winslet should not be blamed for that. That isn't the reason why I think she shouldn't win. She's an amazing actress whose turn as a German Nazi prison guard was played with such restrained intensity. It was all in her face, her voice, and her eyes. She rocked it but she shouldn't win. Had she been nominated for Revolutionary Road instead, I'd be writing a whole different piece here. If she wins, it'll be a career achievement award to be honest. Voters will have picked her becasue she should have gotten one ages ago. Meryl Streep is fierce in Doubt. She is the Best Actress of '08. Hands downs. You can't help but feel goosebumps as she firmly declares, "I will step outside the church if that's what needs to be done, till the door should shut behind me! I will do what needs to be done, though I'm damned to Hell! You should understand that, or you will mistake me."

Best Supporting Actor:
No comment.

Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz.
My sweet, dear Penelope. If she loses, I am done with art. Her only true competitor is Viola Davis. However, Viola's part in Doubt is just way too small to merit the award. Her twelve-minute presence was poignant and impressive but it wasn't the best. Penelope's role was a lot heavier.

If you live under a rock, here is a full list of the nominees.

How to Win an Oscar

For an actor to win an Oscar, should it matter how long they're in a movie? Or, is it simply the impact an actor makes in a film that truly counts -- no matter the length of time they're in it?

Consider this...

The late Beatrice Straight won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress playing a woman scorned in the movie Network, a role with a mere 5 minutes and 40 seconds of screen time in total.

Did she deserve it?

Check out this clip below.

Doubt

It's been said that it takes a village to raise a child but, I wonder, what does it take to raise an adult?

Because 'til this day, I still question. I still need help. This is one ferociously winding road and guidance is always required -- isn't it? Or am I the only one?

I cannot stand alone.

But, it seems, I'm supposed to.

How?

Oh, I have doubts.

Movie List '08

In honor of this weekends Oscar ceremony, here is a list of my favorite movies of 2008.

1. Slumdog Millionaire
2. Sex and the City: The Movie
3. The Secret Life of Bees
4. Milk
5. Gran Torino
6. Doubt
7. Marley and Me
8. Revolutionary Road
9. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
10. WALL-E

love.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

demon writer of schenck street

I'm gonna
collect 'em
at the park--
the ones on benches
in each others arms

I'm gonna
gather a
bunch
at the movies--
the ones secretly kissing
in front of sexy scenes

I'm gonna
go to weddings
and parties
where they come together
to celebrate

get 'em
kill 'em
shred them whole
mix
and drink up

all
so I
can maybe feel it too...

the lovers and
their happy love.

*disclaimer: This is art. Nothing more. I would never do this because I try not to eat too much meat.

Auto/Abuse

It isn’t good
to wish
for a car to blast itself
against my thigh
as I walk
the streets alone

But I can’t help it
I get cravings.

Word Warp, II.

senses working overtime. i smell popcorn. YOU! sigh. sigh. sigh. i sigh a lot these days. one. two. three. i click my heels. you're not here still. fucking judy! red shoes. red shoes. red shoes. ah, I need shoes for the party. how will i dance when you were supposed to come? i'll drink like a thirsty mule. poison myself. oh. to go like that! forgive me if i end up calling...barely coherent. words. are. hard. to. release. when. you're. missing. and. drunk. be ready.

The Killers

It isn’t you that I can’t live without
It’s this feeling that I can’t live with
And if I go
From a self-inflicted wound
Don’t blame yourself
It was me.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Currently on an endless loop."

It's All Over - The Broken Family Band
Hey Stephen - Taylor Swift
Se Te Olvido - Kalimba
Teardrop - Massive Attack
Make You Feel My Love - Adele
Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson
Fljotavik - Sigur Rós
Big Easy - Raphael Saadiq
My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
Chocolate High - India.Arie
Lucky - Jason Mraz (w/ Colbie Caillat)
Remember - Robyn
Help Yourself - Amy Winehouse
No Matter What - Sonya Kitchell
You Got the Silver - Susan Tedeschi

Word Warp, I.

listening to amy. realize for the first time ever why people do what they do for the sake of love. hair's a mess. i need a haircut. cat's meowing. no food? no. i think she's set. what do you want!? i just screamed. sorry kitty but i can't take it. why is it so hot!? oh. window's shut. wow. look at that snow fall. i should go out and play. ha! imagine. i'm no kid anymore. i wish. if only. this adult shit is tough. i just want to see him smile again. one more time. am i addicted? amy amy amy.

Music List '08

In honor of the Grammy awards this weekend, here are my favorite albums of 2008.

1. As I Am - Alicia Keys
2. The Way I See It - Raphael Saadiq
3. Robyn - Robyn
4. 19 - Adele
5. Rockferry - Duffy
6. Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams - Solange
7. Youth Novels - Lykke Li

I do not recommend...

Love is tough. Hearts are broken everyday. Here's a short list of things to take note if you're weak when it comes to handling the pain. You may not agree with me. I don't care. This is what works for me. These are the mistakes I've made and have learned from. Before each sentence, say out loud: "I do not recommend..." If you have something to add, leave a comment!

listening to sade after a breakup.

memorizing a boys number -- because when it's no longer relevant, the number will echo endlessly inside your head -- even when you aren't purposely reciting it.

sharing rituals or habits, like watching a t.v. show together or making sure you've got biscuits and ginger ale in the fridge to share while a movie plays -- because when you see the show and he isn't around, or when you see said items at the supermarket, your eyes will involuntarily water. to stop it, you'll have to hate the things you once shared. that's not good because you'll end up missing out on good shows and good food.

fighting for a hug. if he no longer wants to give you one, let him be.

meaningless sex to fill the void. the only hole that will be filled this way will cause you more pain than you started out with. think about it.

saying his name.

looking at old photos or emails.

blaming yourself.

replaying scenes to see if there was something else you could have done. you did what you did because that's all you knew. you live, you learn, you grow.

memorizing those times he'd laugh hysterically.

begging for forgiveness. if you have to ask for it more than once, then you aren't enough.

staring into space.

wondering if he wants you back. if he isn't calling, he doesn't want you back.

staying home from work and lying in bed the whole day. your mind will repeat itself and you'll go nuts for sure. take a day to recuperate if need be. do not take three.

waiting at his train station to see if by chance you'll catch him.

regretting.

closing the door completely.

to vent...

Let's face it:

I've got more rage in me than I've ever had
and even if I pray for peace
not a thing can set me free
from the fire inside
and the pain that burns

But I'll let it go
digress a bit
from the sorrow around
because
hello!
I've got a life to live too,
right?

And as you walk and smile
remember me
and as I walk and smile
I'll curse thee

Bash

A few months ago I read a very disturbing article about a young Brazilian man who was bashed for being gay. As he was exiting a gay nightclub, three twenty-something men began yelling "we don't want faggots in our neighborhood" and started to chase him. He ran like mad but didn't manage to escape the three culprits.

As I read the article, I got chills. I quickly remembered walking down my neighborhood once and someone telling me that exact same thing. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was walking to the train station to meet some friends when a group of men passed right by me and uttered those words. "Watch yourself," they added. It was dark out and I was alone so a million things and one ran through my head. I thought to run but I retained my composure and prayed inside.

Thankfully, nothing happened. The group just laughed and went on their way. Sadly, this Brazilian man wasn't so lucky. It's horrible and it's tragic to know there are places in this world where being yourself could get you hurt.

Let us pray.

This is 19-year old Ferruccio Silvestro. A victim because he dares to breathe.

Push

"The other day,
I cried.
I felt stupid.
But you know what?
Fuck that day."

The Labyrinth

You know,
I wish we were born
with a leaf of paper folded neatly in our hand
-- on it
the name and address of the person we’re meant to be with.
That would make the search a lot easier.
That would take away all the pain and struggle.

Day seven.

No one is perfect
and it sucks to have a paradox control our love.

“I can’t breathe without you and I can’t breathe with you,”
you said
and I heard you for the first time.

It really is true:
at least I got to experience a beautiful thing.

Like for instance
your tears
that came
that first time
you said “don’t leave me.”
That stuck
ever since.

Everyday
I go back to it.
Sometimes, it makes me smile
-- I was that wanted.
Sometimes, it makes me sad
-- you were that repentant.

I find myself pushing forth,
taking complicated steps,
feeling like I’ve lost a thumb or limb—
you were that necessary.

Anyway,
I’ll wait it out.
See what transpires these next few weeks.
Will I laugh?
No.
Will I eat?
No.
Will I try?
No.
But I’ll wait
though,
a little optimistically,
and hope.

Day six.

It's been the hardest day so far.

I had the whole day
to myself
free to think
even though I tried hard not to.

Did laundry
and realized in shock
your tee going 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round
in the dryer
gathered with my stuff.

I didn't know. I didn't know.

Day five.

I made myself leave you alone today
when all I wanted was to call and say come back.
I abandoned the phone
and listened to this repeatedly.

Day four.

I escape my little room
to ignore the commotion going on inside me.

I leave
and promise myself to let you be.

I settle my sore head
let the spirit rise in my heart
even though it burns

I drink up
laugh with a friend.

Day three.

My mind keeps replaying little moments.

Each time, I see
what I should have done differently.

Day two.

What to do, what to do?

Focus on the bad days
because the anger will help me through.

Day one.

Give a little, get a lot.

I tossed and turned
and soaked my pillow while in bed this morning
I didn't want to wake up and face the sun.