My Music Awards III

It's here again -- and so fast! Grammy nominations will be announced live Wednesday night on CBS. Take a look at who I think will be nominated and who should actually win. These are my choices.

Record of the Year:
"Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga.
Was there a bigger song out there this year? Probably not. I'm hoping and praying that this is the song Lady Gaga get's nominated for in this category. Hopefully it won't be "Alejandro" or "Telephone" with Beyoncé. While both of those other songs rock too, Lady Gaga will have a better shot at winning with "Bad Romance." Unless of course the other big songs of 2010 don't knock her down. Namely, Jay-Z's two huge hits "Empire State of Mind" with Alicia Keys and/or "Run This Town" with Rihanna and Kanye West. His two songs might cancel each other out though and that's going to mean good news for Lady Gaga.

Song of the Year:
"Soldier of Love" - Sade.
Sade is a beating heart personified.

Best New Arist:
Florence + the Machine.
After last year's boring list, this will be the category to watch. We'll see Drake here. Sadly, I'm sure Justin Beiber will be nominated as well. Hopefully, Florence + the Machine too. For me, I'm going to go with the unpopular choice and say that Florence + the Machine is the best new artist of 2010. Ke$ha is my second choice. She's actually a very, very, very close second because she's definitely proven to be the breakthrough artist of the year. With a bunch of top ten hits and a number 1 album, she may very well win this award at the Grammys in February. Last year I was probably the only one in the world to say that the Glee cast should be nominated as a group here too. Will they get a nomination this year? They surely deserve it so if they're nominated, it's going to be a whole different ballgame altogether.

Album of the Year:
"The Fame Monster" - Lady Gaga.
Hello?! Goodbye.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:
"Alejandro," or "Bad Romance."
Katy Perry, STFU and STFD.

Best Pop Vocal Album:
"The Fame Monster" - Lady Gaga.
Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" is a great pop album too but she's no Lady Gaga whatsoever.

Best R&B Album
"Element of Freedom" - Alicia Keys.
I'm sure Usher is going to be in the mix here but Usher ain't no Alicia.

Best Dance Recording:
"Dancing on my Own" - Robyn.
The first time I listened to this song, I cried. I was sitting at home watching the music video and the tears just came down. There's a scene towards the end of the video when Robyn's dancing alone in the dark - her moves are fierce and that part really gets me going. The song makes feeling alone bearable.

Best Electronic/Dance Album:
"Body Talk, Pt. 1" - Robyn.

Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal:
"The End" - Kings of Leon.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance:
"Everything to Me" - Monica.
This is probably the most underrated gem of the year.

Best Female Country Vocal Performance:
"White Liar" - Miranda Lambert.
It's going to be this one or "The House That Built Me." Miranda has had a great year career-wise and both songs are worth the award. I love "White Liar" the most.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"It's been a while but I always dance."

We R Who We R - Ke$ha
Unstoppable - Kat DeLuna
Grenade - Bruno Mars
F**ckin' Perfect - P!nk
Coyotes (Live) - Jason Mraz
Superman - Taylor Swift
Somebody to Love Me - Mark Ronson (w/ Boy George)
Stand Up - Sugarland
Goodbye Game - Chrisette Michele
Check it Out - Nicki Minaj (w/ will.i.am)
Lo Que Más - Shakira
White Liar - Miranda Lambert
Man Down - Rihanna
Endlessly - Duffy
Happy Days Are Here Again / Get Happy - Glee Cast
Hacer y Deshacer - Koko

"Honey, I'm home!" ::silence::

i come home alone
to a house alone
empty inside
i turn on the lights
start the candles and incense
i put the radio on low
turn a little slow and grind the air
no one's here and i don't care

but then i do
after the first shoe is off
i sit on my bed and stare at the walls
remember the him's
and wonder if any of 'em coulda been the one
to help these damn shoes off!
did i let the wrong man go?

i take the second one off
and throw it by the first
my feet dangle along
and dance to the song
black socks
dirty and moist with the sweat of isolation and that nine-to-five hydration
what am i saying?
some jazz is playing
i can act this crazy now
here that sound?
it's my permission.

the damn song stops!
the lights go out
i'm a man by all means but my manual got lost sometime ago
i can't touch no fuse!
i wouldn't even know how to begin,
or what to do

so i guess i'll sit here and wait
maybe if god sees this he'll get bored and send me my missing half

Adele Again

She came and knocked us out a couple years ago and now she's set to knock us out again next year. Check out Adele's new song "Rolling in the Deep" from her forthcoming second album "21" out in February.

Mighty Mouse

The little muscleman
could try and woo you in his sleep
if he wanted
‘cause he’s that good

He’ll start off real slow
little mentions here and there
and then a ton once you’re hooked

What’s your name?
Where you from?
How old are you?
Are you a top or bottom?
He’ll ask
and you’ll provide
all giddy and hopeful.

But, if at anytime an answer doesn’t coincide
with what he wants,
he’ll drop you.

Forget the sparks
Forget the compliments
Forget the silly little time you wasted trying oh so hard to come up with something clever to say to sweep him off his feet
Because he won't want to hear a damn thing you’ve got to say anymore

And that's the way these men are.

Shimbalaiê

Maria Gadú is a 22 year old singer-songwriter from Brazil who is up for a couple Latin Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist. Check out this song from her self-titled album.

I have absolutely no idea what this woman is saying, but I know this much is true: I can't help but feel really emotional as I listen to this here. She's got such a soothing and beautiful voice.

Listen loudly.

Me Who Gets Slapped

I refuse to get on your sinking ship!

There you have it
and even if i understand every bit of the pain you feel
I won't deal
because it's not my fault
I am not your punching bag
I didn't do anything to you
and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for absolutely no reason at all

So,
when you're done blaming me for something you can't settle,
let me know
when you're finished
tell me
and I'll be here
just like yesterday

Until then, mister man.

go figure.

he texts me:

"definitely had a sex dream about you last night... it was good times."

funny thing is
he could have me in real life
but he won't come

Who's Your "Superman"?

This will probably go unnoticed because it's a bonus track off her new album, Speak Now. I think that's a damned shame because this ought to blast out of every lover's radio. If you love like I often do, this will rock your boots.

Who?

She speaks now
and I can't help but give attention to the things she has to say
and even if I think half the shit she has to say makes very little sense
(at times I feel as if my cat could do so much better!)
I am enchanted.

I sit and listen
because I know deep down inside no one can do it like she does it, really
and I'm just jealous
because she can say exactly what I want to say
but even better.

I was never her supporter
and I'll never, ever wear a t-shirt with her name on it
but frankly I'd be willing to wear her socks
I can support her quietly
because she really is quite good.

But, I will tell no one I said that.

Start Here.

The day I posted my rant on being single and loving it, I saw the following ad* on a website.

It seems there's no way to escape this love thing. There are companies spending millions to make us spend our own dollars to find love. It's so easy nowadays too, so they say. You don't even have to go to a bar anymore. Just answer a couple questions and BOOM - your match will appear. It's like a game! And, apparently, all you have to do is rollover to play.

* this is a photo of a video link. do not attempt to click the 'play' icon.

Dancing On My Own

Being single is a choice for some. I never understood that before but it’s quite clear to me now. I’m single and it’s totally because I want to be. To be honest, it’s probably more because I need to be too.

I can’t lie though – I do crave those moments that occur while in a relationship. Random hugs, his hands around my hips, gentle kisses on the neck. “I love you so much, Pa.” Those things. But, I don’t miss it enough to want it right now. I’m sure that’ll change someday. There’s no rush though, right? I’m fine without it.

The other day I got a text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while.

“How’s your love life!?” she asked.

“Null. For now.” I responded.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! It’s OK. I’m fine. It’s totally by choice.”

“Well, don’t wait until you’re 40 to find someone!”

I’m not even 30 yet. I’m not sure why finding a partner is so important for some. I mean, it’s a beautiful thing but it shouldn’t be a priority, right? I know a lot of people in relationships who are totally unhappy. I know a lot more people who are single and very, very happy. So, I’m not scared when I tell people that yes, I am very much unattached.

“Why are you single!?” People always ask with that tone that’s almost sympathetic or pitiful. I hate that question so much! Finding love is a goal I’ll concentrate on in the future, but for right now, there’s so much work that needs to be done on myself. Does this make sense? All you single people must know what I mean.

Maybe it’s complete fear. Perhaps deep down inside, I don’t have the faith or the bravado. After the experiences I've had with the men I've dated in the past, who can blame me? Maybe I’m just way too insecure. I don’t even love myself enough. How on earth can I love someone else? Or maybe, just maybe, I haven’t met the one – that magic man who’ll sweep me off my feet and make me stutter-er-er. They say once I meet him, he’ll help erase all my fears, all my insecurities, and all the pain that I’ve dealt with in the past. That seems a bit profound and I’ll tell you, the man I love is going to have to have one hell of a wand to erase all my mental shit. But hey, let’s see what happens. Who knows what'll transpire as I get older. In fact, who know's what's to come tomorrow? Maybe then, I'll feel ready. Who knows, really? That's the thing about love. You can't really plan it. It's going to happen when it's supposed to. So, if I say I'm single, don't ask me why and please don't feel sorry for me. I'm OK.

I’m young and being single is a fabulous thing! As long as my dick can still get hard and as long as I’m not totally unattractive, I’ve got time. One day my prince will come and I will be ready. Until then, I thank the heavens for pornography.

Are You Really You (Or Did I Make You Up)?

The tall tales have started
“It ain’t me;
It’s him.”
you tell them
and they all wonder

I sit and listen to you speak
the mean lines you throw in between
scattered amongst your plastic roses
sunshiny façade up our noses
i’m not the fool
so beware ‘cause god discloses

i have noticed how different it is here on the outside this time
looking in with brand new eyes
seeing what you’re truly like
wondering: were you ever even real to begin with?

Dear Mommy, II

Happy birthday. I wish I could tell you this to your face. Did I ever get to tell you when you were around?

You got away but I need you. Couldn’t you have tried to fight a little bit more to stay with me? Did you give it your all? Did it hurt that much? I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

Mommy, I don’t know what to do. I can’t take it anymore. I know you know what I’m talking about. I know you see. You know my heart. It’s so black these days. Hurt. This is what it’s like.

Mommy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I can’t keep going. Don’t be mad. I just need your arms again.

Remember that night we stayed up late watching tv? I was lost in your arms as we rested on the sofa, singing along to tunes from that movie about that crazy human-eating plant. I used to make you watch it over and over and over. You never complained. You always watched it with me.

Let’s go back to that. Meet me. I’m coming soon.

for Julio

i'm sorry to hear you're going through so much
i wish i could fight away your troubles and grant you peace,
but unfortunately the best things i can do are to listen and pray

we are so much alike, it's scary
i echo your feelings
i understand your grief
i mirror your current walk

i love you and remember -- you're not alone.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Our President supports equality but with limitations. If you're gay, you know what I mean.

I haven't seen a damn thing he's done to better our fight against the laws that keep us from openly serving in the military, happily marrying as lovers do, and freely living under the care and protection of all the laws that benefit the average straight person. Obama has spoken in support of gays, but actions speak louder than words. We all know that. It's what one does that gets the message across and not just what one says.

Obama declares, "there is a whole world waiting for you, filled with possibilities."

But that's not true because we don't have a whole world waiting for us. Too many in this world don't want us. Half of America doesn't even want us! And yes, although there are a great deal of possibilities that await, the important ones right outside our backyards are well beyond our reach.

It's common knowledge that Obama has not acted on the promises he made to the gay community during his campaign. I think most of us are angry because we expected so much from him. I feel let down and I'm so scared. Will I ever see the day when I'll benefit from every single law that benefits the straight community? I hope. Am I optimistic? Unfortunately, no I am not.

Here's Obama's message to our gay youth, who suffer and face moments of inferiority because we live in a world that isn't truly loving. His message is clear but there's a slice of hypocrisy and insincerity, in my opinion.

Do you, Barack Obama, really love us?

mE

i am a walking contradiction.

i am broken and i am fixed. i tend to travel on tip toes but at high speed. i scream only when i’m sure no one is going to hear. i am careful after the fact. i ask for forgiveness when it’s not my fault. i smile when i’m in pain. i love even if it’s all wrong.

but that’s what makes me human.

drama.

she says:

"i love you
but from afar
there are people watching
and they can't know

i'll hold your hand
but in the dark
and we can talk about anything you want
as long as it's about me

let's dance!
but i'll move here
you go over there
i'll wink to let you know i love this song
but don't wink back
because it's wrong
and they can't know."

TV is My Drug

Fall TV 2010 is here. For us TV aficionados, our favorite shows are back and some new ones are here too. Life is good again. With so many choices, it's a wonderful gift to have a DVR and the Internet, that way we don't ever have to worry about missing good shows due to overlapping time slots. I really do think that the DVR is a necessity nowadays. There's just too much awesomeness going on in television you don't want to miss, right? Thankfully, watching everything we want to watch is virtually possible.

I have to say: this is the first season I haven't been interested in anything new. So far, I'm glued to everything I was into last year. After reading a bit about all the new shows on tvguide.com, nothing sounded appealing. That's all OK, though. Many say I watch too much TV anyway.

Here's a list of the shows I watch and my thoughts on the new season so far. What are you watching?

Tuesday

Glee - So far we're off to an amazing season. Episodes 1 and 3 rocked. It's a wonder how such a show can inspire, influence, make me cry, and make me laugh all in one hour. I wasn't fond of the Britney episode but I can forgive Glee creator Ryan Murphy for one mistake, especially after the amazing episode on religion. We just don't see that on TV anymore. A.

Wednesday

America's Next Top Model - This is my current guilty pleasure. The show isn't even amazing anymore but I can't get enough. I think the only issue I have are the ridiculous challenges these wannabe models are forced into doing. They're subjected to lots of embarrassing situations. It really makes no sense sometimes. If you watch the show, you know what I mean. I'm sure this show is going to get canned soon enough since the ratings have dropped. That's bad news to me because while it's a bit trashy and exploitative, it's oh so fun to watch! Team Kayla for the win. B.

Modern Family - Winner of the Outstanding Comedy Series Emmy, and for many, many, many, many good reasons. This is by far my favorite show of these listed here. Every character on the show contributes to the awesomeness, even the children. I cannot get enough. A+.

Cougar Town - Oh, poor Courtney Cox. I feel like she really isn't taken seriously. Although the show is critically acclaimed and has a respectable amount of viewership, this show is worthy of so much more praise. It's really, really, really funny. The second episode was hysterical and proved that Courtney Cox is nothing short of amazing. Period. The rest of the cast rocks too. If you don't love it, seriously, slap out of it! A-.

Law & Order: SVU - Christopher Meloni. If you've seen him on HBO's Oz, then you know that this guy is packing major, er, acting chops. He's delicious and I love to watch him. The two hour season premiere was crazy! There were so many twists. Joan Cusack's guest appearance was a delightful bonus. I hear this is the final season. I hope that's not true. The stories on SVU are important and we need them. They're also really entertaining. A.

Thursday

Vampire Diaries - oh. my. god. Hi, my name is Evan and I have a vampire fetish. But, of course, who doesn't these days? Damon. Stefan. It's so hard to choose! Elena is lucky. Aside from the great writing that keeps me at the edge of my seat, there's so much amazing eye candy here. Kevin Williamson is a genius. I just hope he writes in a gay character soon. Maybe Elena's brother Jeremy, played by the super sexy Steven McQueen? My God, I'd give anything to have his babies. A.

Grey's Anatomy - I only watch because I feel I have to. I've been a committed viewer since its early days and although I feel as though the show has lost its touch, I haven't stopped watching. With all the cast changes in recent years, I'm annoyed. I think that the show's handlers don't really care what the viewers want. There's always a new edition to the cast, which takes away screen time from those characters we've grown to love and want to see. Even though millions and millions still watch, it's obvious this isn't the Grey's Anatomy from years before. I wasn't thrilled with the premiere and I don't know how much longer it'll be before I stop watching. I don't think I'll last the full season. C+.

Private Practice - Kate Walsh is super classy and I want to be her. This is definitely an adult show full of some seriously outrageous story lines. As we watch the doctor's struggle with ethical medical dramas, we're forced to wonder: oh my god, what if I were in that situation? What would I do? So far, the first few episodes this season have been great. In last week's episode a transsexual cut off his own penis because his psychiatrist wouldn't clear him for genital surgery. Isn't that crazy! A-.

My October Wish

i want to be free,
open,
allowed.

myself -
at least.

It's OK to be Gay

"I'm sick of feeling totally alone.
I want to have friends who like me for who I am.
I want to be a part of a family who love me for who I am
and not someone I pretend to be to keep their love.
I'm sick of hiding,
of being sad and scared.
If you have any idea -
there must be more of you who feel like this, like I do -
fine, just speak out.
I'm gay.
Sorry, Mom, Dad.
You can bet your life you're not the only parents out there with a gay son.

It's only love. What's everyone so scared of?"

Steven, in Get Real

Support

Support! Support.

But I can't anymore. She's got my eyes.
Last time I ran to help just because she cried.

The world stops if she needs care
and I'm the evil one if I'm not there.

Even if all I have left is a rugged old shoe.
That's OK. She'll take that too.

I must give my all to help her, you see.
But then who on earth will come and help me?

National Punctuation Day

Today is National Punctuation Day - to those who overuse the comma, misuse the semicolon, and forget about your periods, go here and learn something. It's fun!

Motives & Thoughts, VII

Have you ever felt like God has failed you? I'm so mad at Him right now. I can't help but wonder: is He really listening or is He up there laughing?

I Get Down On Sundays

it's days like today I really wish my mother were around. they say that mommy's cure everything. i'll never know if that is true.

Forgiveness

No one has died but inside it feels like someone has.

I have been feeling bothered by the acts of some people in my life and instead of trying to figure out a way to handle it, moving on, or getting to a resolution, I've been letting it attack me every night and every single day. I've been wronged by people I love to the bone. They've been in my life for a very long time but lately they've felt like strangers to me more than anything. It's like having missing teeth. The smiles are still very much there but nothing is as pretty as it used to be.

I think that the situations and altercations that have gone on have been sparked by silly misunderstandings and the lack of communication. You see, when you misunderstand someone and there's no communication, things fall apart. The awkwardness begins, the distance starts, and it's all downhill after that.

I've always been the one to find a resolution. I find it in my heart to forgive and then to forget. I send out my apologies, even when I feel I haven't really done anything wrong. I flush down my pride, put my head down, forget the lashes inflicted upon me, and start over. But this time I just can't seem to do that. Maybe it's because I'm older. Perhaps I'm more rigid and stubborn? Or maybe I just feel like I'm finally owed some type of respect. It's finally time to collect on some apologies too, you know? I'm hurt. I feel real bad. And maybe it's all inside my head, but still, it's how I feel.

We'll see how things go. I'll try my hardest not to lose sleep over this anymore because God is watching, right? He'll take care of things.

For Colored Girls

Be moved. It's coming. November 5, 2010.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Shimmy and breathe."

Bang Bang Bang - Mark Ronson & the Businesss Intl. (w/ Q-Tip & MNDR)
XXXO - M.I.A
Collard Greens & Cornbread - Fantasia
Hope She Cheats On You (With a Basketball Player) - Marsha Ambrosius
Hummingbird Heartbeat - Katy Perry
Somewhere in Brooklyn - Bruno Mars
Misery - Maroon 5
All I Want is You - Miguel (w/ J. Cole)
Everything to Me - Monica
Stuck Like Glue - Sugarland
Night Time - The XX

God?

the other night i had a dream i fell asleep while i was praying at a church altar. what could this mean? perhaps it could be that i'm so tired of praying for the same ol' thing, seeing no results in between. or maybe my slumber was an act of protest. but, then again, it could have just been a sign of my weakness.

... and I'm back

So, it's back to school for some this month. I guess that means I should get back to writing. I've been on a mini-vacation of sorts from this - again. I really haven't had much to write about. Or rather, I really haven't been inspired much to write here. I think that's the better excuse because truthfully I've been writing every day, just not in the conventional way. Ideas and thoughts have been happening all up in my little head and I've been too lazy to sit and write it all out. But I'm going to try and stop the laziness and the lack of inspiration, even if it hurts. Because I miss writing so much.

Even if sometimes I feel like this is just a waste of time, I love this and I need this. Who's out there reading? Maybe no one, or maybe just one. But I need to remember: that doesn't really matter. I may not have an audience. And that's OK. Because after each entry, the thing to remember is that I always feel a sense of relief. This is my therapy. Even if I am my own audience, that's all fine and dandy. At least there's that.

So, back to school for some. And back to this for me. Who's ready for more?

F*ck You

Sometimes there's nothing else you can say.

Sick

I feel like there's a piragüero shaving ice against my throat. And I feel like there are dancing birds tickling my eardrums with their feathered wings. FML

"Stop the world! I want to get off."

The other day I got to thinking about the steps I want to take to improve my working life. I need a new job. I’ve got all these dreams but I haven’t really done much to achieve them. I’ve been idly sitting, pointlessly working, and feeling empty all the while. I want to breathe some new air!

Now, I know that you must be thinking: “wow, he’s on his way!” At least I’ve made a decision to seek something bigger and live out those dreams, right? Well, no—not right at all. Because in spite of the realization, the anticipation to grasp what’s waiting for me, what I’ve been yearning for, I don’t know how to go about doing anything. I’m tied here and I can't help but wonder: how do I start the process of untangling the knots and strings?

This is why I’d like the world to stop so I can exit right on out. Drop me off now because I’m scared and the hyperventilating is killing me. I don’t think I’m strong enough to live outside the box, reach for the stars, jump off that cliff and fly. All these tacky cliché’s that’s supposed to encourage and inspire don’t really work for me. Instead, they burn my eyes and mock me. It really isn’t that simple.

Motives & Thoughts, V

I can’t say it enough, I don’t think. I can write it out a million times and still the point won’t get across. I’m stuck and a little lost too. Will there ever be a quiet moment when I won’t worry about what’s next and wonder about my life? I imagine that things won’t ever be that easy. That scares me.

The Crocodile

she's a crocodile—
she's quiet and calm at first
but she'll sneak right in
and cut you up without a second thought
smiling while eating
spitting out the peaceful parts
savoring your heavy, meaty heart
she'll bat her lashes right after
cross her legs,
and grin, grin, grin
but remember this:
her tears are fake
and that leathery skin -- don't let it fool you
because although considered rather pricey,
she's really oh so very cheap

Cross My Heart

Well maybe, just maybe, it really is just you.

Word Warp, VI

The straight fornicator says: homosexuality is an abomination. The adulterer says: marriage is a sacred act not meant for homos. The lying Holy Roller says: god hates fags. And I say (as I sit crossed-legged and snap my fingers in a Z formation): Bitch, puh-lease!

Hardhearted Hooker

I'm proud of you, Evan, for being strong enough to let him have a go and granting him the chance to fly away soon after. No pain, no tears, no feelings.

the mask

everything he says is a lie to me
whatever he does, i don't believe it
every touch, every kiss, every thrust has an ulterior motive
i know it
or rather, i think it
inside my crazy little head

And That's That

Now he wants to know how to fix a wrecked up heart.
I sit and ponder:
is there any advice I can offer a boy who's half broken - the same boy who once broke me?

Damn, the irony.

"Raise a glass," I should say.

Let the alcohol simmer down his stupid nerves.
Maybe I should get a bottle and pour it down his throat myself.

I don't ever wish anyone pain
but for the first time in my life, I don't care if he's unwell
I don't feel bad for him

and his glossy eyes
from the ducts that are spilling -
I don't care to help save them.

Let the tears flow.
That dumb crow!
I'm sorry but I don't have a speech to help him

and that's that.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Quirk and Circumstance."

All the Lovers - Kylie Minogue
I Am - Christina Aguilera
Push, Push - Kat DeLuna (w/ Akon)
Terrible Things - April Smith & the Great Picture Show
Airplanes - B.o.B (w/ Hayley Williams)
Babyfather - Sade
Fearless Love - Melissa Etheridge
Terrified - Katharine McPhee (w/ Jason Reeves)
Acapella - Kelis
3 Little Words - Frankmusik
California Gurls - Katy Perry
Fembot - Robyn
Impossible - Shontelle
Never So Big - David Byrne and Fatboy Slim (w/ Sia)
All I Ever Wanted - Kelly Clarkson
In This Song - Charice
A Love That Will Last - Renee Olstead
Bien o Mal - Julieta Venegas

How Deep Is Your Love?

I wouldn’t recommend your love if it were the only thing left in this world. I’d tell whoever was interested in you to hurry and spit you out like dirty spinach because I know you’d only kill him inside in the long run– slowly and surely.

The Loser.

"I destroyed everything, Mama.
I destroyed everything!
You make one wrong turn,
and then
because of that,
after it
all the turns are wrong.
And you are so far from where you wanted to be.
And you're lost.
And then you're lost."

Guido Contini in the movie Nine.

You Don't Even See What You Do, Do You?

There's a boy in my life who tries every which way to grab a hold of my heart and tug, let go, tug again, and let go like it's the only way he's able to breathe. He manipulates my desperate little head in order to survive. I'm like his food and once he's consumed enough of me, he's quick to try his hand at dieting, leaving me to spoil. Like dirty, red, poisonous meat.

And I spoil easily.

He takes me, carries me, holds me tight. But then he'll disappear and pick on other little lonely hearts, pretending to be a lonely heart himself. They'll sympathize with him and he'll scatter his love seed, polluting lovefools, eating gracious hearts. Dirtying lovers who just want to be held tightly when it's time to sleep at night. And then he'll come back to me. I'll give in because I feel bad too. Then, again, he'll go and spread some more of his dirty love to other silly foolish boys.

He'll go, come back, go and come back.

And I always open up the door. But today, no more.

It's time to run away from him.

Nine

Guido is a ladies' man. He'd woo a table if it had a heart. In the movie "Nine" we see him fawn over five beautiful women, all tortured souls addicted to him. Until they're fed up and can't take him anymore.

In this scene, his wife Luisa (played by Oscar winner Marrion Cotillard) has finally had enough of his dilly-dallying between women. She's given him everything and has gotten nothing but grief in return.


Watch this until the end. It's quite moving.

(update, 12/9/10): YouTube took down the scene so here's a snippet. Hopefully it's enough to make you want to see the film.)

Robyn

I'm speechless as I watch this. The tears are flowing.

on turning 30.

They say we're supposed to come to terms with our bodies, our whole selves, at a certain age. Does anyone know that age? I hear it's 30. That's when we get a clearer sense of who we are, where we're going, why we look the way we do, stuff like that.

Well, if that's the age, I guess there's something to look forward to after all. I'm sick and tired of my twenties.

I can't believe I just said that. What I mean is I'm definitely eager to see the day I love myself completely. I'm waiting for that switch to go off, the one that keeps us from looking into a mirror and saying, "O, hello" as opposed to "o, hell no" that currently comes out of my mouth everyday. You know the switch I'm talking about. It's that angst-y, self-hate, confused, and tired switch that controls our 20s mind. I'm ready for my 30s mind.

I wonder if this makes sense to any of you.

There's a feeling of peace and acceptance at 30, I've heard. We become more self-aware. The mind becomes stern, assured, confident, and is matured enough to go out and get. At 20, it sits paralyzed, ashamed to speak sometimes, too chickenshit to make decisions. The 20s mind is filled with questions and tears. It's a wonder I haven't drowned yet! I suppose I'm a good swimmer.

You know, I wouldn't wish my 20s on anyone. That's deep but I tell you: so far, I have never been happy as myself. Is anyone ever truly, completely, wholly, undoubtedly happy at 20 even? My guess is no. If there is someone out there in their 20s reading this, someone who happens to absolutely cherish life, then I salute you. I’d like to eat you up so that somehow I can become you.

I guess the bottom line here is that I am kind of looking forward to 30. Today is the first time I've ever said that. I lie about my age all the time. I keep it a secret almost as if I'm ashamed but boy, I swear to you, not anymore. Indeed, I'm ready to climb up to the next age group.

I'm 27 now. There. I said it. I rarely ever do. It looks weird seeing it on the screen, but there it is for all of you to see. That's my age. It's almost time to say goodbye to it actually. My birthday is just around the corner. Will I miss being 27? No, I won’t, not at all. It was like being 17 all over again, and that is not a good thing. Will I enjoy 28 and 29? Probably not but I’ll try and make the best of it. I know more questions will rise up, new faults and insecurities will fester and control so I’m nervous as all hell. But it’s two away from 30, and shit – I know there’s a silver lining to that.

So, in closing, here's a message to my 20s: you've got a couple more years left and after that, I'll be glad to never hear from you again. When you go, you can definitely kiss my ass.

The Prophet

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Kahlil Gibran.

give a lot, get what?

ok
i'm done here
no more posts
about love
or needy feelings.
enough!
my heart's on vacation now.

see ya!

the body electric

where am i going to?
i feel like i'm choking
i can't breathe
and every time i bat my eyes
the tears come racing down
they fall hard on my lap
as i sit
and think
about what i want in life

i guess i'm facing
yet another
existential crisis

my heart is racing
the blood pumps out and flows
fast fast fast
my legs shake
up and down
the toes are wiggling
i'm a body electrified
but too damn weak to take off still
stuck
not nearly there
falling soon

half life

DVD of the Week

Chocolat.
Rated PG-13.

This one's a tad old but I finally took the time out to see it just recently. It's from the year 2000 and it's an emotional comedy/drama based on the novel of the same name. Directed by famed director Lasse Hallström, the film is about a drifter named Vianne who, along with her young daughter, moves to a French village devoid of temptation and life, only to spice it up for the better. She opens up a chocolatier where her secret concoctions entices the locals, causing much of them to rebuke her as an immoral influence whose shop should be brought down.

Who is this woman? What's in her chocolates? Why can't the villagers stay away? A diabetic, an abused wife, a lovelorn couple, and an elderly man still willing to find love seek solace in Vianne and her treats. But not everyone thinks she's there to do good.

Chocolat is a feel-good film. It's simple and filled with everything anyone could ever want in a movie. There's romance, laughter, mystery, and of course drama mixed all into one. It's really delicious. And I don't mean that only because we see a lot of amazing chocolate treats in the film either. It's a film I'd recommend on a cool Friday night after a long day of work. It's that kind of film you want to watch while sipping wine and eating pastries too.

Check it out. It's a classic. Juliette Binoche, one of my favorite French actresses ever, earns her Academy Award nomination here for sure. You'll fall for her grace and her beauty. It helps that the production design and score add to the appeal of this film too. Oh, and don't miss Johnny Depp as a handsome gypsy. He's yummy.

- [click for trailer.]

fast.

i bet
if i told you:
"i really need you here
and not a heartbeat too late,"
you'd come.
and to get here
you'd run.

[far out]

and the space between us
-- that large vast of land with homes and cars and streets and folks galore?
fuck it!
it don't matter none
'cause you can be a trillion steps away
and still be right here.
(i point to my chest as i say this.)

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."

Rocket - Goldfrapp
Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready) - Alicia Keys
December - Nikki & Rich
Bulletproof - La Roux
Rude Boy - Rihanna
Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert
Your Love is My Drug - Ke$ha
1901 - Phoenix
Kiss With a Fist - Florence + the Machine
Mess of You - Kimberly Caldwell
I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat
Heaven - Brett Dennen (w/ Natalie Merchant)
Breakeven (Falling to Pieces) - The Script
Better Than Her - Matisse
All the Right Moves - OneRepublic
No Se Nada de Ti - Obie Bermudez
Feelin' Love - Paula Cole
What is Love? - Never Say Never

bionic

Word Warp, V

i'm way too glum for you
i walk in circles
and you dance
i hide, but you're free!
you laugh and smile
even when you're thinking
i sob,
all dazed
even when i'm sleeping.
we're so far apart

r.i.p.

to the ones who fall
because of stupid fools,
I'll be your voice

they got you
but they haven't gotten me yet.

My Current Guilty Pleasure

So I know I recommend a lot of tunes and I’m not certain how many of you have the time to check each one out but I want you to try and listen to this here.

If you’re like me, those Disney channel starlets annoy the hell out of you too. Miley Cyrus, Demi Lavato, and let’s not forget the Jonas Bros. as well. They’re all so ridiculous.

But…

Take a look at this. It’s not enough to sit and listen. You’ve got to watch the video too. This girl is so pretty and the song is kind of amazing.

The name of the song is “Naturally” and the singer is Selena Gomez, a Mexican-Italian American born actress from Disney Channel's “Wizards of Waverly Place.” I’ve never seen the show but I’ve heard a lot about it. She's too Disney for my own good but, I'm ashamed to say, I can't get enough of this song.

Everytime I play the song on my iPhone while on my way to work, I click the replay button discretely for fear that people will see the album cover on the screen. See it here and you'll see why I'm embarrassed about it.

Anyway, I love this new song! I want to be her. There. I said it. And I don't take it back. Naturally.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_YR4dKArgo

like a little boy, i love

i'm really 15

no one knows

and I know no one will believe me

but

i pretend

i walk the walk

and look the part

but it's a farce

i hide in this manly form

peeking through the eyes

i hang about

and let him move --

this gargantuan host of lies

i'm not a man

it is true

'cause inside

yes,

here I am

just 15

dancing with butterflies in my tummy all the time

Are You Here?

i want to try and be
a bit more hard-hearted
keep my shoulders to myself
and pretend i'm all out of Kleenex

let 'em fight the wars alone
because i'm running on empty
and i'm so tired too
there's only so much i can do

Florence + the Machine

Maybe the best thing you've heard in a long time. Listen, but please make sure to raise the volume up, up, up.

Fuck You, Robin Quivers

The other day, as I read this article and listened to a recording of Howard Stern from his show on Sirius XM with co-host Robin Quivers, I sat red-faced, shocked, and annoyed. I was bothered, not by what Howard had to say really. I mean, the man is well known for his very controversial public remarks. What bothered me the most was listening to his co-host, Robin Quivers.

Robin Quivers, if you do not know, is African American. She's probably the highest paid female radio personality in the country, thanks to her massa, uh, boss Howard. The day after the Oscars, this black professional woman had the audacity to laugh and speak against actress Gabourey Sidibe's weight.

"Yeah, look in that room. Who else do you look like?" she giggled out to Gabourey.

If Robin had taken the time out to look around that room too, would she have found any familiar faces? In a room full of mostly white men and women, who did she resemble?

Gabourey is overweight. We all know that. That is a fact for sure. But that's her business and if anyone feels she needs help, send her a letter, speak to her in private, or pray for her. That's just the bottom line. Robin isn't her mother. In fact, they are not related to each other at all. I'm sure Robin isn't genuinely concerned for Gaby's wellbeing. Her comments were full of pure judgment and nothing more. They were just simple thoughts said aloud to tickle the funny bone. But I am not laughing.

It is my true opinion that all people of color should stick up for one another. Why is there always someone so full of himself he has to go on and attack the innocent? What did Gaby do? Why isn't Robin by her side?

Anyway, listen to the clip below. It's never OK to hit a woman, but quite frankly Robin deserves a slap.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Let the right ones in."

Crazy Amazing - V.V. Brown
Be That Easy - Sade
Can't Stand It - Never Say Never
Cat & Mouse - Nikki & Rich
Terrified - Katharine McPhee & Jason Reeves
Neon Moon - Brooks & Dunn

o, hello, new lover.

i want to play the coy mistress... ease into him slowly... you know, surprise him here and there... and then, when i have him, i just want to hold him for a good hour and tell him i can be his boy.

Judge This Rather

"Let us not therefore judge one another any more:
but judge this rather,
that no man put a stumbling-block or an occasion to fall in his brother's way."
Romans 14:13

It burns the hell out of me when one person is attacked or laughed at simply because they're different. It isn't fair to be lashed out at for being gay, disabled, having some type of mental delay, or for being overweight, among other things. Sometimes, these things are well beyond our control. There are ways to fight it, to try and edge out the hardships, but it's really tough and you've got to cut people some slack. We're all different. No one is perfect. There is no normal. There's just us.

So what if I decide to wear an orange jumpsuit, a pink bow on my hair, and rainbow shoes. Does it bother you? Will it hurt you? Maybe not.

So what if I weigh more than 300 pounds and I still eat hamburgers at McDonalds. Will that affect you? Will it make you die? Probably not.

And what if I sit on the subway, my head against my boyfriend's shoulder as we switch through song after song on his iPod. Will that damage your life? Will it give you a disease? I'm certain it will not.

If I do it, these things have nothing to do with you. It's what I've got to offer inside that matters.

That's just what I think.

So, I say this:

To anyone who's ever felt the need to wrongfully poke fun at someone: fuck you.

Motives & Thoughts, IV

To the lonelyhearts and lovefools—my dear counterparts:

"When you long with all your heart for someone to love you, a madness grows there that shakes all sense from the trees and the water and the earth. And nothing lives for you, except the long deep bitter want. And this is what everyone feels from birth to death."

Denton Welch

DVD of the Week

El Orfanato.
Rated R.

If you're looking for an eerie film full of twists and creepy happenings, you've got to catch this. From famed Mexican producer, director, and writer Guillermo del Toro, comes a film about a woman named Laura who purchases the orphanage she grew up in. The idea is to restore the abandoned institution and open it for disabled orphan children. The place is filled with lots of history and as an old woman comes forth to warn Laura of its eerie past, Laura realizes that she's got to fight hard to live out what she set out to do.

Together with her husband and her son in tow, Laura faces one of the hardest things any parent ever has to face. In a race against time, she tries hard to fight off demons by uncovering the past and figuring out the games ghosts sometimes play.

In the end, there's a twist that's sure to blow your mind.

An English language adaptation is forthcoming so see this before Hollywood ruins it with a less than stellar remake.

- [click for trailer.]

Hiatus

I've been away. Not entirely but halfway. I'll be back. I just need to regroup and collect myself. My mind is everywhere. My health hasn't been too good either. It's this crazy Winter weather here in New York. It's knocking a lot of us down. I'm not depressed though. I'm OK in the head. In case you were wondering. I love you if you're reading this. I'm sorry if there's nothing new to report or to share. But come back soon. OK? I don't want to lose you.

Unprotected.

I thought I wanted it
because I didn't care anymore
but now I'm scared of it
and I'd like to know if I can return it
Dear God
or Devil down there
whoever of the two handles this kind of thing
take it back please
if I am tainted
and it's too late

I made a mistake.

DVD of the Week

Torch Song Trilogy.
Rated R.

In 1988, Harvey Fierstein adapted his Tony award winning play Torch Song Trilogy and brought it to the silver screen. The movie revolves around the life of Arnold, a gay man trying to make ends meet and searching for a man to love. In the film, Arnold faces tremendous obstacles. He falls for a taken man, fosters a child, experiences the death of a loved one, and has to deal with a very traditional and mean spirited mother. Arnold has good intentions. He just wants to live and love. He means well. But since he's gay, it's a lot harder for him to get things done, to live out his life without ridicule, disdain, or attacks from those who just don't get him. He's funny, lovable, caring, and fatherly. But we can't forget how deranged he can be at times. It's all a good mix though. It's real. That's how people are.

In lieu of the trailer, here's the opening scene. It's a poignant five minute monologue. Listen carefully and loudly. Afterward, go out and rent the film. You'll be glad you did. If you're a writer, a lover, a gay person, or a performer this is the kind of thing to see and learn from. There's a good bunch of eye candy to enjoy too, particularly Matthew Broderick who plays Arnold's young lover. He's adorable in the film.

- "It takes a lot of guts and a helluva sense of humor to live life in Arnold's shoes."

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Move and shake to it."

Smoke Without Fire - Duffy
Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding
Written All Over My Face - Kris Allen
Rock & Roll - Eric Hutchinson
Traveling Like the Light - V.V. Brown
Hey, Soul Sister - Train
That's Where It Is - Carrie Underwood
Pick up The Phone - Dragonette
Glitter in the Air - P!nk
Kitchen - Mary J. Blige
Vida - Nicole
In My Head - Jason Derülo
The Ills - Mayer Hawthorne
Major Tom - Tiny Toy Guns
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
Soldier of Love - Sade
Hurtful - Erik Hassle
21 Guns - Green Day
Luvsik - MoZella
Are You Here - Corinne Bailey Rae
Cousins - Vampire Weekend
I Want You So Bad I Can't Breathe - OK Go
Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
Doncha Know - Alicia Keys
Fill My Cup - CeCe Winans

Magdalena

When you're stuck, it's never good. If you've got dreams, goals, and expectations, it's time to go out and get to it. You don't want to waste any time, right?

Oh, I know it's easy to say this. It's so simple to think it and feel it. But how hard it is for us to jump the gun and do it. I wonder why. How hard it is for us to let go our heavy feet and run run run. Maybe we're all just too afraid of failure. What's this thing which keeps us from going out and pursuing our dreams? What stops us from living our life freely like we want to? Why does it get so hard to breathe? What makes us numb?

In this clip from the movie Little Ashes, the lovelorn Magdalena tells her writer crush to go out and live. She loves him but she knows that she must let him go because he doesn't want her. He wants something else in life. Something much more different. He's stuck in a world that censors total freedom but he harbors hidden desires to be set free. With his broken heart, he commits to poetry but lives with fear. He conforms and embraces what's handed to him. But that can be dangerous. Magdalena tells him so.



"Look
I'm not saying it's going to be easy.
But I don't think you can carry on like this.
I mean, you can.
Of course you can.
But it has a price.
I think sometimes we just have to risk it.
Live the way we feel.
And you know
it might not turn out well.
Sometimes it doesn't turn out well at all.
But we have to try.
We have to keep on trying.
Otherwise, we just become puppets,
all painted smiles
where inside nothing but sawdust."

What is wrong with this picture?

For Vanity Fair's annual "Hollywood Issue" 9 blue-eyed starlets were selected to grace the cover. Among them, Twilight star Kristen Stewart, Mamma Mia! star Amanda Seyfried, An Education's Carey Mulligan, Up in the Air's Anna Kendrick, and The Wrestler's Evan Rachel Wood.

These are fine actors who have done a considerable amount of respectable work. They've been making headlines lately for their acting roles so it's no surprise that they've been chosen to represent the new faces of Hollywood.

Still, I can't help but wonder: what happened to Precious' Gabourey Sidibe or Star Trek's Zoe Saldana? Why aren't there any women of color here? Is the new Hollywood all about the Anglo-Saxon?

DVD of the Week

Little Ashes.
Rated R.

Forbidden love is a heavy subject. It's an old one too. Shakespeare wrote about it. I write about it. The subject never tires. It lives and it breathes from generation to generation, sex to sex, and age to age. It reeks, it heals, it hurts, it comes and goes fast and slow. It's a messy thing.

Many years ago, the famous Spanish writer Federico García Lorca fell madly in love with surrealist painter extrodinaire Salvador Dalí. The two met in college and began a close-knit friendship that moved to admiration and finally adoration, but unfortunately the two never saw eye to eye. Federico was more aggressive. It was clear and obvious that he loved Salvador but Salvador moved with reservation. Was he gay? Was he bisexual? Was he curious? These questions plagued the two of them and as the story unfolds, we see what inspired the two to create magnificent pieces of art.

The arts became their life and love was a bona fide muse.

I've always known that heartbreak makes an artist. Some time ago, someone asked me: "what motivates you to write? what inspires you?" My answer? Pain. Love lost. Anguish. Simple sorrows that feel too big to handle but really aren't in the grand scheme of things. It is true. A person becomes quite boring when he is completely full and happy every second. He dies inside. We've got to struggle forever to be worth anything.

These men struggled. They fought, they loved, they tried so hard to create art. It's like watching magic move about. Who knows if the movie precisely parallels the lives of these two vibrant geniuses. What biopic is ever exact anyway? Still, it's a moving piece based on a very interesting story. I could go on about this film but I'm afraid of ruining anything for you. See it.

You'll be surprised to see how great an actor Robert Pattinson really is. He earns high praise. You forget about his Twilight role. He's moving as Salvador Dalí. Spanish hottie Javier Beltrán is heartbreaking as Federico García Lorca. Live and learn, people.

If you've ever loved -- from deep within the guts of you -- you'll like this film. If you're the anti-lover, you'll still find something interesting here as well. There's a great deal of political happenings going on throughout the film, political dealings which becomes a huge part of Federico's untimely demise. People perish for the most amazing causes, even when it isn't wholly on purpose.

- [click for trailer.]