Christmas in New York (I miss you, Puerto Rico)

So, I'm in New York for the holidays. I'm not too happy about that. There isn't anything like spending the holidays in my beautiful island country Puerto Rico. But, I'll make the best of the time I have here in New York. I'm happy and it's a beautiful day. I'll be in Puerto Rico soon enough anyway, so for now, listen to this with me - "Lamento del Campesino" by Puerto Rican superstar Ednita Nazario. Let's blow a big kiss to the glorious island of Puerto Rico this holiday season.

"Ella es mi vida, por ella vivo y muero por ella..."

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Let the notes take you away."

Run - Leona Lewis
Dreamer - Elizaveta
Drunk On Love - Rihanna
She Doesn't Mind - Sean Paul
It Will Rain - Bruno Mars
Take Care - Drake (w/ Rihanna)
Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine
If I Could Fly - Charity Chapman

To Those I Leave Behind

As human beings, I think that the one thing we all want is to know that we matter
We all want to know we’re being heard,
that someone out there is paying attention to us.
A simple feeling of acknowledgement,
we crave it
basically.

Today, I want to let you know that you matter to me
I learned a lot from you
You taught me a lot about myself
Namely, to never judge without truly and really knowing a person
You were tough to handle
I was too sensitive to even try
But in the end, I noticed you
The real you
and it really makes me smile because
you’re really a decent person

I realize that this probably sounds like a love song
And, let’s be frank: if I were able to, I’d woo you in a heartbeat
‘cause opposites attract, right?
But don’t worry
I’m no weirdo
and this is no love song
Although, I write this with all my heart and all my love

I wish you the best
and may God watch over you in life forever

Remember me
I’ll definitely always remember you.

Conflicts III

Sometimes, we're told to trust our instincts. Other times, we're told to never judge a person if we don't know much about him. So, what to do if our heart says no but it hasn't been long enough to even ask for his last name?

He's beautiful, that's for sure. I can see myself holding him and staring into his eyes, just because I think it's time I did that. But, there's something I'm not getting. There's something a little off about this. What's missing? I'm not so sure. Do I give in to him, give it some time, and put my heart on the line? Or, do I walk away now, without even a concrete reason other than I'm just not feeling as amazing about this as I ought to? (Is that even a fair enough excuse!?)

Also, what if I'm just scared? I think I'm ready. I think it's finally time to meet someone. But, my heart's just too weak for this. This isn't easy. The chase, the game, the whole process is just so hard. What if all this "missing something" business has nothing to do with him? What if the thing that's missing is my very own bravado? I may have lost it—on Essex Street, in East New York, Brooklyn.

What do I do? I'm not good at dating.

Breakups

That awkward moment when you're over him but you're just not over it.

Pervert

you've caused me

new and happier nightly releases

each time I touch myself,

your face appears

and your head emerges inside my mouth like magic

all over again

I ♥ U, Jonah

O, Music. (2011, ed.)

Here's a list of my favorite albums this year. What are yours?

1. "21" - Adele
2. "Born This Way" - Lady Gaga
3. "Loud" - Rihanna
4. "Femme Fatale" - Britney Spears
5. "Pink Friday" - Nicki Minaj
6. "4" - Beyonce
7. "Speak Now" - Taylor Swift
8. "Late Nights & Early Mornings" - Marsha Ambrosius
9. "Paper Airplane" - Alison Krauss & Union Station
10. "The Incredible Machine" - Sugarland

My Music Awards IV

It's here! Grammy nominations will be announced tomorrow night and I think I'm a lot more excited this year than I was last year. Here's a look at my winners. Will these be nominated? We shall see.

Record of the Year:

"Rolling in the Deep" - Adele.

There wasn't a bigger song, album, or artist this year so anything that goes against this song will have a tough time winning. I think Adele's only real competition, if she has to have one, is Britney Spears' "Till the World Ends." I know that I'm probably the only person in the world gutsy enough to pit these two songs together but, I don't care. "Till the World Ends" is pop genius, pure and simple. No one deserves it more than Adele but Britney definitely deserves to be mentioned here. Interesting tidbit: I think it was senseless and I still cannot understand why Lady Gaga chose not to submit her song "Born This Way" for Record of the Year consideration. The song would have been nominated for sure. It's a pop anthem after all.

Song of the Year:

"Rolling in the Deep" - Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth.

The lyrics are profound and hauntingly affecting. "The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all." That's probably the longest and most relevant sentence ever sung.

Best New Artist:

Marsha Ambrosius or Nicki Minaj.

I don't think Marsha will even be nominated but in a perfect world, she will be. I predict Nicki Minaj, Bruno Mars, Young the Giant, and The Band Perry will each be nominated here. Who's the Best New Artist of 2011? To me, it's hands down Nicki Minaj. Or Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Album of the Year:

"21" - Adele.

Sorry to anyone who thinks they deserve this award more than she. "21" is no sophomore slump and as 2011s best selling album, it ought to win Album of the Year. Period.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:

"Someone Like You" - Adele.

Best R&B Album

"Loud" - Rihanna.

Beyonce's "4" and Marsha Ambrosius' "Late Night & Early Mornings" are my other choices. These three are all so very good. The best of these, however, is Rihanna's "Loud."

Best Dance Recording:

"Titanium" - David Guetta and Sia

Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal:
"My Body" - Young the Giant.

Best Female Country Vocal Performance:
"Back to December" - Taylor Swift

Zombie

Sometimes, I think
we've been wrong all along
What if maybe He did her a favor
and here I am
cursed
What if He didn't actually take her life, like they say
I mean, she's up there dancing in heaven, yes
there's no doubt
but, maybe
just maybe
her life was the one that was spared
and I'm the one who's actually really truly gone and dead

Following?
I don't know if I'm articulating this in a way that's clear
but what I mean is this:

Survival is a gift, apparently
but why does it feel so fucking wicked?
Did He spare me my life or did He take it away
the day I made it out alive after that evil accident that put me in the hospital
and took away my mommy
I wonder.

If I'm supposed to be happy I'm alive,
why can't I feel it?

Please, Do Not

Never-ever give a married man the time of day
You give your heart
and, I swear it,
it won't mean anything at all to him
'cause he'll just fold it up and hide it in his wallet behind a photo of his pretty little lady
you'll see
and he'll forget it's there
'cause all that'll really matter to him
will be your stupid little perverted parts
and those he'll get whenever he picks up the phone

Flores Para Los Muertos

I bet if I whispered in your ear
all the things I think about you,
it'd kill you

And I’d have no time to apologize
even if you asked and
I was just being honest
you’d die
just like that
and your wicked ol’ death would haunt me for the rest of my life
'cause although your go would be your very own fault
I’d mourn your death and blame it myself

That’s just the kind of guy I am

...at least cock sucking you can prove.

Every gay person, anti-gay hatemonger, and bible junkie ought to see this.

Weirdo

Human beings are very weird.
I've spent my morning wondering—
why do we do the things we do?

Notorious P.I.G.

Every time I write something new here, he asks:

"why are you writing about me again?"

Every time it isn't about him, he insists it is

and whenever it actually is, he doesn't notice

Here's the thing, though:

if he thinks I'm always bashing him here, why is he still reading?

KKK(H)

So, most gays cannot marry because it (supposedly) goes against the sanctity of marriage and yet here's Miss Kim marrying for shits and giggles. I don't follow the Kardashian clan much, save for my itsy bitsy obsession with Rob - but I seriously - and perhaps stupidly - thought her love and marriage was real. I'm kind of shocked she has filed for divorce after only 72 days of marriage. How does one do that? If marriage takes a boatload of work... AND stress... AND love to make it last, can anyone honestly say they TRIED their darnedest to salvage AND PROTECT their marriage after only a few months and some weeks together? I don't get it. Kim says she married for love. Why doesn't it seem so? Was it for ratings...financial gain...media exposure? If Kim isn't a self-obsessed famewhore then she is obviously a liar. I don't have any right to judge her, but seriously, let's be real here... what on Earth is this woman all about? What is her life's purpose? What is she doing!? And to think: this was considered our version of the Royal Wedding? Ha! America.

I'm Going To Die

I know why I’m sad
and that’s a big step because
usually I don’t know why I can’t smile
but today I know everything

I’ve got to get stuff done
I’ve got to get stuff checked
Those things we know we need to do keep us from moving on if we don’t do them
I can’t think or breathe right
and I probably won’t ever get to
unless I wake up and start doing, or
get moving

I know this probably won’t make sense to most of you
but I'm writing it out here and releasing it to the universe anyway
because somewhere out there,
some higher power or regular human even
will know where I'm coming from,
what I'm talking about
and they'll pray.

I have a headache now
and if I don't fix things soon,
I'm going to die

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Just let go anyway."

We Found Love - Rihanna (w/ Calvin Harris)

25/8 - Mary J. Blige

Domino - Jessie J

Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

In the Dark - Dev

Body and Soul - Tony Bennett and Amy Winehouse

Sol do Sul - Daniela Mercury

Something in the Water - Brooke Fraser

Mientes - Camila

You Mean the World to Me - Toni Braxton

Clean

"Fragrance is an incredibly intimate thing. It can evoke very specific thoughts or memories & is a little different for each person who wears it."

Dame Elizabeth Taylor

I love a man who smells like heaven. Here's a list of my favorite colognes. What are you wearing?

1. Clean for Men, by Dlish

2. Curve, by Liz Claiborne

3. Dolce & Gabbana, by Dolce & Gabbana

4. Desire, by Alfred Dunhill

5. DKNY New York, by Donna Karan

Netflix Vs. the World

Earlier this year, Netflix sent an email to all of its members highlighting price increases which separated online streaming and DVD mailings into two separate plans. The separation seemed to make sense, particularly for those who never took advantage of both services. But it also seemed to punish those who did utilize both offerings, like myself.

At first, I was a bit annoyed. This new scheme surprised a lot of us Netflix members. With the new price plans, I saw my subscription go from $16.32 to $21.75—same service, no additions or anything, six dollar increase. Totally insane.

But after careful consideration, in spite of it all, I figured: twenty bucks for commercial-free unlimited streaming and two DVDs out at-a-time is actually still a total steal. That day, perusing the Netflix site, I thought about canceling my membership. However, I couldn't. I was still too in love with the service to think about ending my relationship with them. The day they announced the new prices, I considered terminating my membership for about five minutes. Then, I quickly came to my senses and understood: with all the films and TV shows available to me on Netflix, I am really saving on other costs.

Just think: if it weren't for Netflix, I would never get the chance to see the complete Ally McBeal series again unless I purchase the DVD set from Best Buy or somewhere on the Internet. The complete series costs about $100. For twenty bucks, I get to see every episode as many times as I want and if I want to rent it, I can and it'll be in my mailbox before the end of the week. It's that simple. Although the price hike feels utterly annoying and depressing, we still get our money's worth.

So, here I am. A real live and actually satisfied Netflix member. Although a lot can be done to improve its customer service (they clearly have no respect for its members and are currently paying for some shady business choices), Netflix is still an amazing service. It has reinvented the movie-rental industry and I am grateful for that.

Emmys 2011

Tonight, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences will award some of television's finest shows and actors with the prestigious Emmy Award in a slew of categories, including these 10 here. These are the nominees.

BEST COMEDY ACTOR
Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
Steve Carell, "The Office"
Louis C.K., "Louie"
Johnny Galecki, "The Big Bang Theory"
Matt LeBlanc, "Episodes"
Jim Parsons, "The Big Bang Theory"

Unfortunately, I don't watch any of these shows so I don't really care who wins. I have seen at least one episode of all of these before though so I guess based on what I have seen, perhaps the award should go to Jim Parsons again this year. He won last year for his portrayal of über-nerd Sheldon Cooper. I saw him in a play earlier this year and really enjoyed his acting. He's amazing. However, perhaps the award should go to Steve Carrell since this last season was his final one. This would be a great parting gift.

BEST COMEDY ACTRESS
Edie Falco, "Nurse Jackie"
Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
Laura Linney, "The Big C"
Melissa McCarthy, "Mike & Molly"
Martha Plimpton, "Raising Hope"
Amy Poehler, "Parks and Recreation"

Last year, the one actress who didn't deserve it took home the award. These things usually go to the most popular actress, as opposed to the most deserving. Edie Falco is a fine actress but I have a very big problem with her character on Nurse Jackie. She just isn't funny whatsoever. It's just odd to nominate her here when the supporting cast on the show is a lot funnier than her character. That said, I would love to see Laura Linney win. She plays Cathy Jamison, a schoolteacher who decides to live as happily as she can after she is diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. The show is heartbreaking at times but Laura Linney is hilarious. PS: The fact that Courtney Cox wasn't nominated in this category this year kind of makes this an incomplete category.

BEST COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Julie Bowen, "Modern Family"
Jane Krakowski, "30 Rock"
Jane Lynch, "Glee"
Sofia Vergara, "Modern Family"
Betty White, "Hot in Cleveland"
Kristin Wiig, "Saturday Night Live"

I'm rooting for Sofia Vergara or Julie Bowen tonight. Jane Lynch wasn't as funny as she was last year so I hope she doesn't win again. She'll most likely win, however.

BEST COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTOR
Ty Burrell, "Modern Family"
Chris Colfer, "Glee"
Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men"
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, "Modern Family"
Ed O'Neill, "Modern Family"
Eric Stonestreet, "Modern Family"

Chris Colfer is 2010s best supporting actor in a comedy, hands down. Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Ty Burrell are his only true competitors this year.

BEST DRAMA ACTOR
Steve Buscemi, "Boardwalk Empire"
Kyle Chandler, "Friday Night Lights"
Michael C. Hall, "Dexter"
Jon Hamm, "Mad Men"
Hugh Laurie, "House"
Timothy Olyphant, "Justified"

Michael C. Hall's Dexter Morgan is creepy, creepy, creepy! He should win. Jon Hamm is going to win though. Of course, Kyle Chandler may be the sentimental favorite since his show has ended. I think it's a grave travesty William H. Macy wasn't nominated here. Shameless was my favorite show last year.

BEST DRAMA ACTRESS
Kathy Bates, "Harry's Law"
Connie Britton, "Friday Night Lights"
Mireille Enos, "The Killing"
Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"
Julianna Margulies, "The Good Wife"
Elisabeth Moss, "Mad Men"

Seriously, WTF Kathy Bates? Get out of here! My choice - Mireille Enos or Julianna Margulies. Both are equally deserving.

BEST DRAMA SUPPORTING ACTOR
Andre Braugher, "Men of a Certain Age"
Alan Cumming, "The Good Wife"
Peter Dinklage, "Game of Thrones"
Josh Charles, "The Good Wife"
Walton Goggins, "Justified"
John Slattery, "Mad Men"

I'd love to see John Slattery win because he's such an amazing actor. Alan Cumming is another favorite of mine.

BEST DRAMA SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Christine Baranski, "The Good Wife"
Michelle Forbes, "The Killing"
Christina Hendricks, "Mad Men"
Kelly MacDonald, "Boardwalk Empire"
Margo Martindale, "Justified"
Archie Panjabi, "The Good Wife"

I'm rooting for Michelle Forbes. Archie Panjabi is my real favorite but she won last year and repeat winners kind of spoil the fun out of these kinds of shows. Still, if she won again, I'd be very happy. I'd place my bets on Margo Martindale though. Critics have praised her galore this last season so she may prevail.

BEST DRAMA SERIES
"Boardwalk Empire"
"Dexter"
"Friday Night Lights"
"Game of Thrones"
"The Good Wife"
"Mad Men"

Dexter should win. It's a creepy and very intelligent show that keeps viewers at the edge of their seat every week. It's great TV.

BEST COMEDY SERIES
"The Big Bang Theory"
"Glee"
"Modern Family"
"Parks and Recreation"
"The Office"
"30 Rock"

Modern Family is the funniest television show on TV now. Glee comes close but last season was so out of place, it really doesn't deserve to be named Best Comedy Series just yet.

Fall TV 2011

For a man who is absolutely in love with the summer, loving the fact that it's finally September can only mean one thing - I'm a TV addict. September means my favorite television shows are back and it's time to find a few new ones to love and occupy my time with as well. This year, it seems like there are a lot more interesting choices to choose from than ever before.

Here's a list of what I will be watching on TV this season.

Monday: 2 Broke Girls

Tuesday: Glee, Ringer, New Girl

Wednesday: America's Next Top Model, Up All Night, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Cougar Town, Revenge

Thursday: The Vampire Diaries, Whitney, Private Practice, Prime Suspect

Friday: Grimm

Sunday: Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, The Good Wife, Dexter, Homeland, The Walking Dead, Pan Am

I probably won't keep up with half of these shows as the weeks progress. I am only interested in catching the first two or so episodes of some of these listed here to see if they're any good. We'll see which ones prove interesting and entertaining. How many will survive? What will you be watching?

Taken

It only feels good because it's wrong
and this could be the ugliest thing if we let it go on
even if we felt like the prettiest boys in the world,

I can't love you

and you can't say, "me too."

Let Me Be

How can someone who isn't even able to properly orchestrate
his own thoughts and feelings
and life
judge me
and feel the need to tell me not to do what I want to do?

How dare he!?

Mr. Know It All

it's always upsetting when someone claims
they know everything about you, and then some

if you're of age, you know this--
you know someone who thinks they know exactly how you feel
and what's best for you
but they don't know anything.

listen to this
i dedicate it to all the stupid boys who have tried to get me

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"If I rock out, I ain't lying."

In Sleep - Lissie

Who You Are - Jessie J

Dress and Tie - Charlene Kaye (w/ Darren Criss)

The Book of Morris Johnson - Zee Avi

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Head First - Nikka Costa

Cupid - Amy Winehouse

Titanium - David Guetta (w/ Sia)

Asthma Attack - CocknBullKid

My Body - Young the Giant

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Wepa - Gloria Estefan

Schoolin' Life - Beyoncé

Settle Down - Kimbra

Bright Lights Bigger City - Cee Lo Green

Buen Soldado - Francisca Valenzuela

Without You - David Guetta (w/ Usher)

Today is Your Day - Shania Twain

Conflicts II

I can spend a year away,
no contact with you whatever
no thoughts
no feelings
no mention
but then I see you
and I melt
and I ask god: why,
if i can have this much hate for a man, do I love him so?

Allyism

"I don't want what I want and I want what I don't want. And to complicate it even more right now, I don't know what I want or what I don't want."

Ally McBeal

It's Pia, Y'all!

I don’t like her name (I can’t imagine saying: oh my god, have you heard the new Pia Toscano CD!?) but I guess I’ll have to get used to it because if this song is any indication, the girl is definitely good. This is probably the best debut single by an Idol alum since Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel.”

Released July 12, check out "This Time." Get it on iTunes for $.69 or download the video for free.

Asshole

it's been a long time since i've met someone who is a complete and total asshole

you fit the bill

tenfold

and,
although i never actually expected much from you,

i definitely didn't expect this much

The Saddest Thing You'll See Today

We need to bring our troops back home, alive and soon.

Never Let Me Go

He says: "you're so comfortable,"
as he yawns and hugs me
like a little boy would his stuffed animal before falling asleep after a very long day
"you're cute," I say
and he laughs.
"I don't ever want to let you go,"
he whispers, his arms around me tightening.
I watch him sleep and ponder that-
The thought is sweet, I know
But, he'll have to let me go eventually though

My Two Cents

Children suffer even MORE when parents who don't love or respect each other stay together "for the children." It is possible to grow up a child of divorce and become a very respectful, successful, and happy human being.

Shut Up

Sometimes I think you're it
but then you speak
and that thought quickly dies

And even if I try
so hard to picture the two of us hand in hand
I can't stand
you.

Runaway Boyfriend

Have you ever dodged a bullet,
ducked right on time,
and let go
before it was too late?

It feels good when you realize
you were smart not to go on
and you stopped right when you were supposed to

Because,
when you listen to reason and
hold on to that conscience inside yelling at you to wake up,
you flourish
and grow
and find something a whole lot better

It's true and
even if it hurts at first, there's a cooling sensation that comes to ease the pain
it's from God
and it really saves

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"I can move to a lot of things now."

Money Grabber - Fitz and the Tantrums
Lullaby - Sia
Skinny Love - Birdy
Take Over Control - Afrojack (w/ Eva Simons)
Sleep the Clock Around - Belle and Sebastian
The Cure & the Cause - Fish Go Deep (w/ Tracey K.)
Hello - Martin Solveig (w/ Dragonette)
Move Your Feet - Junior Senior
On a Mission - Gabriella Cilmi
When I'm Alone - Lissie

Poem to a Horse

You run faster than anyone I know
even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to catch you

You’re polite and there’s enough magic in you to charm a pack of wolves, or men
same thing

I told you before, you remind me of Jesus
but, I’ll say it again because I don’t think you get it

I know you're noble
somewhere
you go on
and on and on
playing and dancing
racing and prancing
striving for freedom but I know you don’t really want it

I bet you’ve wondered if anyone’s ever written a poem about you
well, now you know.

Goodbye, World

Tonight I want to kill myself. I don’t know how I should do it but I know I want to do it. I keep thinking I should use a gun. I want to use something strong enough to work the first time I try. I want to use something that’ll do the most damage. I don’t want this heart. I don’t want this head. So, I want to try and shoot them both. Fuck, I don’t even think that’s possible - unless I get someone to do it for me. But, Dr. Kevorkian is dead. I want to stop loving profusely and I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. Why don’t I have an off switch to turn away these crazy thoughts? I don’t know. Dear God, I think you’re cruel. You truly are an innocent - the naïve creator. Didn’t you stop to wonder about the struggles I’d have to face alone, loveless, ugly, and rotten inside? A motherless, punished child! You were drunk. And it was too late to stop, right? Too giddy, Mr. Perfect, and not an evil thought or ounce of negativity to alter your courage as you molded and pressed and designed and created this…this person that I am. Me. Still empty inside in spite of the miles of veins and skin and thighs.

Disclaimer: Don't worry, readers—I am not going to kill myself.

Dear Friend

Today, I stop
no more terms of endearments
or flirtatious nothings
because, what’s the point
and who are you
to look down on me
when I’ve never been anything but supportive
and encouraging
I know you want more
but I can’t give you what I don’t have
and that’s this heart
because, it’s not really mine anyway
so be mad and stay that way
I’m not sorry I love someone else and not you

Elevator Crush

of course!
that's why he hasn't asked for my number...
he's married!
and i'm just a feast for eyes.

"have a beautiful day," he says.

"thanks. you too. i love you."

everyday, everyday, every minute.

Who Is It?

I know you’ll write about me.
You’ll pay homage to me with dying ink
because there’s just too much going on to use a new pen.

And it’ll be your best poem yet!
(Then you’ll forget.)

Just Go!

The trouble with worrying so much about your security in the future is that you feel so insecure in the present.

Harlan Miller

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The last time I hooked up with a man, he held me tightly and asked, with great shock and passion:
"My God, why are you single?"
I looked into his eyes,
smiled,
and slapped him in the face

Not hard, of course
I did it playfully
I wanted to do it hard though
I wanted to stab him, in fact
But we were in my bedroom and I didn’t have a knife

Do Something

We lose the right to complain when we don't do anything to stop the things that bother us.
That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

Here's an inspirational tune to set you free.

Conflicts

Why are the assholes more appealing than the Romeos?
Why are we so annoyed with those who are willing to keep us safe but passionate about the stupid hoes?

Why is it the boy
and never the man?
Why on earth do I crave everything about a rebel
when a piece of gold would benefit my hand?

Why does it hurt so good
if he doesn’t care or wish me well?
Why does it bother me if he doesn’t send me to hell?

Rabbit Hole

I'm always someone's test but never someone's prize
The further I sink into the rabbit hole
the more I see he can't be mine.

I met a man I thought was right. We connected. It was more than anything I've felt for anyone in a long time. It came by surprise. I didn't ask for it. I didn't expect it. I didn't want it. Certainly, I've written many things about my locked up heart. If you know me, you know I don't want love. But, boy, I wanted him so much and I'm surprised at myself for feeling like so.

If you notice, I'm writing in past tense here. You must be wondering what happened. The truth is, I don't even know. My adoration was short-lived. He's gone now. He's taken actually. Seven years! I didn't know.

Yeah, that's right: I fell for a guy who's already in love. That's never happened to me before. I'm not sure how to process all this exactly. I don't want to disrespect his partner so I have decided to stay away. I'm mad though. Because he didn't let me know! He didn't tell me immediately. Maybe he thought he didn't have to? Was he ever really flirting?

It was probably my imagination. I tell myself this because he's too special to be cruel. He wouldn't misguide me on purpose. I don't know him all that well but I don't think he would knowingly tease someone's heart. But who's to say, honestly? He did a bad thing by not telling me he was practically married, that's the very truth. Because, even if he didn't mean to, he totally fooled me. He was so sweet with me! He seemed to want me. We connected. There was fucking electricity, I thought!

But I misread. I misinterpreted his delightfulness, his stupid misguided delightfulness. Where was his goddamn map? He sent it the wrong way! Maybe he's just got so much fucking charm he doesn't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Charm is like a dog. It's got to be trained and handled properly or it'll go and bite the shit out of someone fast. "Where does it go? Who wants some? I have lots!" he must say. He's so dangerous.

I know because I really do know.

The Counterfeit Slut

I've got a sign on my shirt that reads:
"I put out but I won't commit."

Guys like that
'cause they enjoy a man who's there when they're just passing by
—a quick go, then let go

and they always leave with a smile on their face
so long as they don't see the stupid tissue box under my bed when they reach for their shoes right after

I Bet You Think This Post is About You

If I write about an eager bee,
I bet you’d figure out a way to make it about you

If I write, for example:

"The bee buzzed and buzzed and landed on my nose
I swear I heard it cry
And so I slapped my face with two hard blows
And watched the bee fall in my chai."

you’d sob and ask me later:
why are you writing about me?

Tick Tock

I’ve got to watch what I say,
or figure out a way to say things at the right time.
Is there a calculator to help orchestrate proper timing?
I never seem to know when to go.

Get Out Of My Head, I'm Telling You

He’s so pretty, it hurts
And I’m 15 again
Feeling the butterflies in my tummy
Carefully speaking,
Hoping something dumb doesn’t come out my mouth

His lips!
I bet they taste like Jesus
All spiritual and perfect
It’ll probably bring me to my knees

I need to pray!

I Will Not Let Him In

I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will cnot let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. oI will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I nwill not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in.I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I iwill not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will gnot let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I lwill not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not ilet him in. I will not let him in. I will not let him in. I will not let ohim in. I will not let him in.

[untitled]

There are moments
I crave love
I think about having a man
of being held and
belonging to someone
but those moments are fleeting
they last all of 5 seconds
I quickly snap out of that desire
And remember:
I’m not really good enough for anyone right now anyway

The 8 Books I Can't Get Through

I don't know what's happening. Maybe I've killed a cell inside that's supposed to help me read. Maybe it's the weed? Just kidding. But, I wonder.

I haven't been able to get through a novel in a while now. I've picked up so many books in the last four months but have been incapable of committing to more than just a chapter or two of each one. I think I've read over the first couple chapters of Elizabeth Strout's Olive Kitteridge about five times. It's supposed to be an amazing book and it won a Pulitzer Prize too, for Heaven's sake! Still, I can't get passed those few pages. I'm not inspired to go on.

The same thing has happened with Chris Cleave's Little Bee. I'm up to chapter three and to be quite honest, if I were in college sitting in front of a quiz on the book, I'd fail. I don't even remember the main character's name. Everyone I know who has read the book has told me it's hard to put it down. I, however, find myself falling asleep. What's going on?

There have been more books. I'm sitting in front of six others, actually. This has never happened before. I've always been so committed when reading a novel. There has always been that yearning to go on and see what's coming next, even if the book happens to bore me to pieces. I linger on, hoping that maybe by the end I'll be captivated.

Paint it Black by Janet Fitch comes to mind. I was so excited when I purchased that book. I had just finished her previous novel White Oleander and so I expected another inspiring and moving piece of art. Unfortunately, I wasn't amused by the novel at all. I grew annoyed by the hapless and bitter protagonist. At some points I sympathized, but I grew angrier and angrier as I read on. Still, I maintained. I waited and I dedicated hour after hour until I approached that very last page. Was it all a waste of time? I thought so at first. After a while though, I realized that I did learn a few things. Ms. Fitch writes like no other author. Her words sing. Even if I hated the book, I felt something. Ultimately, that's the reason why some of us read, right?

Anyway, my point is, I used to be able to read even if I wasn't really into the material. I don't know why I can't jump into a book and join the author's world for a few hours anymore. I wonder if this has anything to do with age. Am I losing my marbles already? No. It can't be an age thing. There are older people who read all the time! So what is it? Am I thinking so much about my own life that escaping to some pretend one isn't possible? I think I'm just too distracted. There's so much going on these days. There's no free time or motivation frankly. The free time I do have, I end up going to sleep or watching movies. Movies are a lot easier to commit to it seems. There's less thinking involved. Am I right?

I wonder if it means anything that the last few novels I have been able to get through were part of a young adult vampire series. I went through those books like candy. Why was it a lot more fun to read those than it has been to read the 8 I've tried getting through lately? Was it the humor, or sex, or silly plot? Was it the flow and simplicity that comes with a young adult novel? Am I a lot dumber now than I have ever been? Maybe the books were just really good. Vampire stories are addicting. Whatever the reason, I've got to get to the bottom of all this. I refuse to stop reading. There's got to be an adult novel waiting for me, right? Or is a Dr. Suess story next?

I'm going to keep looking. I'm going to the bookstore tomorrow and I'll give this reading thing one last try. I miss reading and I think it's important to explore the written word. Novels are beautiful things. I can't give up on them. Let's see what happens.

So, tell me - anyone out there recommend a good novel? What are you reading?

So That's What Jealousy Feels Like

I thought you were mine
until I saw you talk to him
then I realized:
what have I done to deserve you?

I haven't done anything yet
and you probably don't even know how much I think about you
I don't even know how much I think about you
it's too often
and I've lost count
I know that much is true

So, if I see you holding hands with someone else
if you both smile
and look lovingly into each other's eyes
I'll try and sit tight
I'll survive

Maybe He's Right In Front Of Me

I'd give anything to end the search.
No, wait—
I'd give anything to have the wisdom to realize the search is over.

British Invasion (again, and again, and again)

If you've seen the latest issue of Billboard magazine, you may have noticed that the top three albums in America this week belong to English artists. Has this happened before? I don't know but it's definitely worth acknowledging. What's it say about American music? Probably nothing but I do think it means we're open and ready for the eclectic and stylistic sounds of the British people...again—because they really are so damn talented.

Adele's sophomore album 21 is currently the best selling album of 2011. That's huge for an artist that doesn't sound or look like the average white pop star. I'm ecstatic that America has embraced her and I'm a little surprised, considering how the American people tend to go for the auto-tuned starlets or the teenyboppers. Adele sounds like nothing on the radio today and we should all feel blessed for that. I remember when I first listened to her, no one had heard of her at the time. I kept telling my friends about her. I raved and pleaded with everyone - "listen to this!" They all did and they all fell in love, like the rest of the world. After winning the Best New Artist Grammy two years ago, the pressure was on for Adele to live up to every expectation that's inevitably set after winning such an award. I was nervous to listen to 21 because I was so inspired and impressed with the first album. Thankfully, my fears were put to rest immediately because not only is the new album a step up from her debut album 19, it's also the most heart wrenching album to come from England since Amy Winehouse's Back to Black. Emboldened by the album's two lead singles "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You", 21 is a lover's album. It's strong enough to pack a punch and sweet enough to kiss the bruises right after.

This week's number 2 album in the country belongs to a songstress who doesn't deserve to go unheard. The solo debut album Late Nights and Early Mornings by Marsha Ambrosius, former lead singer of the English Neo-Soul duo Floetry, earns the runner up position this week and makes it straight to number 1 on the R&B albums chart after much anticipation from the artist herself and her many, many fans. I've been following Ms. Ambrosius on Twitter for a while now and she had been updating her fans throughout the album process by teasing us with lyrics and even actually singing snippets to some of the songs during live USTREAM video conferencing. We've all been excited and we counted down the days. We, her fans, or Marshians as she likes to call us, waited patiently for the release of the album and I don't think many of us were let down upon its release. The album is sultry and sexy. This is a lovemaking album or a break-up-and-make-up-right-after album. It's passionate and heartbreaking. It'll lift you up and really tear your heart apart because it's real, flawless, authentic, and not generic. Buy the album and see what I mean. If you're a lovefool like me, you'll love this album. The Brits really do know how to express themselves when it comes to love. If you haven't heard "Far Away", check it out. Other notable hits from the album are: "Tears", "The Break Up Song", and the Portishead cover "Sour Times."

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Sing a song, save my life."

Animal - Neon Trees
All the Boys - Keri Hilson
Operator - Shiloh
I'm Doin' Me - Fantasia
Frío - Ricky Martin
No One In The World - The Apples In Stereo
The Harold Song - Ke$ha
Never Hear Surf Music Again - Free Blood
Bedda At Home - Jill Scott
Bang - Rye Rye (w/ M.I.A.)
Swimming - Florence + the Machine
On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez
Don't Forsake Me - Duffy
Luv Back - Jazmine Sullivan
Sing - My Chemical Romance
Age of Consent - New Order
Déjà Vu (I've Been Here Before) - Teena Marie

That First Date

You can't mess with love—
it happens
and it starts
especially when you don't expect it
there it is

you say yes to it
without even speaking
you welcome it
and it settles and works inside you
like a vein
helping you to live

you can't mess with love
'cause there it is

Exactly

I Went Crazy Again Today

"Write." The voice inside me said.

"I can’t anymore." I answered.

"Write!" The voice repeated.

"You don’t get it." I shrugged and cried.

"So, then, explain it. WRITE!"

Therapy

I haven’t sat down and spoken to anyone about my feelings in a very long time. I think I’ll have to find someone soon, though. I may have to find a therapist to help me deal with the trillion thoughts currently occupying my head. I don’t know how I’ll pay for a therapist but I suppose I’ll worry about the financials later on. Help first. Money later.

I know that some people have friends they can turn to. There are many who are lucky enough to find help within their own family too. I’ve got great friends and a very large family myself but the truth is, I’m not sure going to anyone I love would help me.

Most of the people I love have issues themselves. I feel like I shouldn't burden someone with my problems if they've got much bigger ones, you know? Also, many just don’t listen enough. I've tried to seek advice or an open ear before to no avail. Many times, with many people I know, it's like talking to a brick wall. Next, and this is quite unfortunate really, a lot of them are just too judgmental to offer sound advice. Along with that, I’d run the risk of having my information exposed if I sought help from some of them. People talk and gossip is a ritual a lot of people I know can’t survive without. I say this because I know firsthand what it's like to have a secret spill from one mouth to the next right in front of my face.

So, I’m left to myself, lost in my thoughts, and that’s not good anymore. Lately, I’ve realized things are getting a little out of hand up here in my head. I’m no longer focused. I find myself rushing through the days, waiting for sleep to take me away. Something is wrong if the highlight of my day is closing my eyes. When I wake up in the morning, ready to start life all over again, the first thing out of my mouth is: “oh boy, not again.” Clearly, this isn’t good. Right?

I need help. Therapy, perhaps. Very soon.

Oscar 2010

The biggest night in movies is finally here! Oscar night, honoring the very best of 2010, will begin in less than five hours and I can't tell you enough how excited I am. Here are the nominees in tonight's major categories, along with my favorites to win.

Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
True Grit
Winter's Bone

This one's an easy choice for me, I have to say. I am not one to copy critics and hop on their sometimes ridiculous band wagon so I'll go ahead and say that although The Social Network is projected to win, I really do think it doesn't even deserve its nomination. The film is good but was it outstanding? Not for me. My choice is Black Swan. It's a well acted, incredibly directed, and truly gritty movie that moved me to pieces. It's a perfect film through and through. It probably won't win, as it's a mostly female driven film but in a perfect world, the Oscars will call Black Swan 2010s best picture. Honorable Mentions: The Kids Are All Right or The King's Speech.

Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem - Biutiful
Jeff Bridges - True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg - The Social Network
Colin Firth - The King's Speech
James Franco - 127 Hours

This is Colin Firth's award. Honorable Mentions: James Franco or Javier Bardem.

Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening - The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman - Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence - Winter's Bone
Natalie Portman - Black Swan
Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Natalie Portman. She is the one to beat. Her performance impressed me and really moved me. I was never a fan of hers and didn't really consider her a good actress until this movie. The only competition here is Annette Bening and that's only because she's an industry veteran who has been overlooked many times before. Still, I don't think that's a reason to give her the award. If she wins, it won't be because her performance is better than Natalie's. It'll be Hollywood's way of rewarding a stellar career and not a stellar performance. Of course, this isn't to say that Annette isn't amazing in The Kids Are All Right. She is. She just isn't as amazing as Natalie.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale - The Fighter
John Hawkes - Winter's Bone
Jeremy Renner - The Town
Mark Ruffalo - The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Oh, Christian Bale - you really did nail it here. That last scene in The Fighter is reason enough to name you an Oscar victor. Period. I believed every word and emotion coming from him. It'll be a grave travesty if he isn't called tonight. There's speculation that The King's Speech will sweep and win all of the major awards so I think Geoffrey Rush is Christian's only competition.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams - The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech
Melissa Leo - The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit
Jacki Weaver - Animal Kingdom

Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing if Jacki Weaver were tonight's surprise upset win? Her dark role as the matriarch of a family of criminals in Animal Kingdom is insanely creepy. It isn't the best of all of these on the list but I do think she poses a real threat. Melissa Leo has won practically every award leading up to the Oscars but with the recent controversy surrounding her campaigning for the award and the fact that she's nominated with another actress from the same movie (something that may lead the ladies to cancel each other out), I'm going to guess that the award will go to Helena Bonham Carter or Hailee Steinfeld. Hailee's garnered a lot of attention for her role in True Grit. Lots of people have said she should have been nominated as a lead actress. That definitely gives her points here. But I have a problem with a young actress (14!) coming from nowhere and taking home the most prestigious award in show business. You've got to really earn that Oscar and I wonder if she's really paid her dues. Of course, if her performance in True Grit is stellar, she ought to be awarded accordingly. (I haven't seen True Grit just yet so I can't really judge.) In the end, if it isn't Hailee Steinfeld or Melissa Leo, Helena Bonham Carter should win. She is absolutely fabulous and she's a really great actress. She should have gotten an Oscar ages ago (Sweeney Todd and Harry Potter, anyone!?)

I'm Still Here

Yes, I've been absent from this
I don't know what to say anymore
this happens
because words - they come and go
start and stop
involuntarily

Writing is a force I cannot control
It doesn't matter how hard I try to come up with something
if I've got nothing to say
or if I can't articulate what's going on in my head,
then, I'm sorry but I can't force myself
and come up with something
Not even if I pray
I've tried
but I'm still stuck

I will come back though
I always do
I just hope it's soon

So, dear readers - or reader...
be patient
because I'm still here

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