The Situation

I'm just a pretty body to you
and you expect me to give in whenever you're free.

"Your ass is king,"
you say.
"But remember my situation.
I want you all for me
but I can't be all for you
because of my girl.
You OK with that?"

"I love you," I whisper inside myself.
"No doubt," I say out loud.

Romans 8:38

I’m not a bible freak but someone special shared this with me and seeing as I really needed to read something like this today, I figured someone out there may need to read this too.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God? (Two)

I'm really sick of myself today. I'm dealing with so much guilt and anger, I don't even recognize myself anymore. Normally, I'd pray this all away. I'd look up to the skies and ask God to forgive me...to recognize or remember that I am not at all the man I seem to be. I can't do that today, though. I haven't been able to do that for a while now. I can't even imagine asking Him to forgive me, especially since I've asked Him so many times already and yet, I still fall down the same ol' rabbit hole. Who am I to think it's all right to fall and expect He'll care for the wounds every single time? Who am I to think He'll be right there after all the times I've promised? Does He know I couldn't help it each time and still can't to this day? I am a pathetic failure in His eyes, I'm sure. If I were Him, I wouldn't give myself a second look.

They say to run to God whenever life is good and even when it's bad. He'll welcome a sinner and a saint just the same. I want to run to Him, but I don't even dare. Is it the devil lying his way into my head, telling me that God's not there? Or am I definitely on the right track here and God doesn't love me anymore?

Wishful Thinking

i want to slow dance with a really hot guy
and even if he doesn't like me
i hope he pretends

i want him to hold me tight,
kiss me on the neck,
and tell me i'm the prettiest boy in the world

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Your heart will hurt at first but dance it off."

Free - Haley Reinhart

Brokenhearted - Karmin

Out of the Game - Rufus Wainwright

Charter Magic - Marques Toliver

Wrong Side of a Love Song - Melanie Fiona

Thank You - Estelle

No One's Gonna Love You - Cee Lo Green

It All Belongs to Me - Brandy & Monica

Happy Pills - Norah Jones

Glad You Came - The Wanted

Pieces of Me - Ledisi

Brothers - Tanlines

To Him

you're not as bad as I say
there's nothing wrong with you
it's me
you're ok
and i'm just jealous

Cruel

I’m sorry I don’t want to spend the wee hours of the night talking about your problems
Or happiness
I’ve got my own stuff to keep me up late
And if this means I’m absolutely terrible
It’s not my fault
I’m only terrible to terrible people

So, you can stop insisting that we hang out
To talk
And catch up
Because I don’t want to
I have no desire to listen to anything you have to say
To hear you gloat about your lucky dalliances
Or world travels
Or to hear you complain about how stuck you feel
In life
And love
And your career

I don’t want to hold on to your leash anymore
Guide you here and there
Tell you it’s going to be okay
Or congratulate you on what little successes you achieve
I don’t care

I know that this makes me somewhat cruel
There’s a little bit of judgment here too
I mean, who am I to say you’re terrible, anyway?
What’s so far up my ass to make me this uptight and angry?
Maybe I’m just too old now
And cranky
Or maybe I’m just sick and tired of you

I’ll pray.

I Thought I Knew

i can't figure out
if being single this long has been a blessing
or if i've been cursed
i thought i knew,
i mean, i've been content
i don't spend my nights longing and hoping for love
so, there can't be a curse, right?

but i must admit
tiny thoughts of belonging to someone creep
and linger for a small while somedays
sometimes i'll think: hmmm. it'd be nice to have a man to go out with today,
spend an evening at the movies with someone
you know?
i don't know.

i thought this single life was a choice
but maybe i've just been telling myself that to ease the pain

that comes with loneliness

i wonder

Told You So

It’s because you’re broken
That’s why you’ll never be absolutely happy
Yes, you’ll have little magic instances
There will be rounds or tiny moments of complete ecstasy
And you’ll be fooled to think: “Finally!”
But remember—
It will never be enough
And it will never last
Because who are you to trample on the weaker ones
And expect satisfaction?
Karma won't allow it
You’ve got a lot of wrongs to right,
Too many arrows to take back
You will never be lucky at love
And that’s just a fact.