My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"The old and new make a perfect companion."

Hard to Love - Calvin Harris (w/ Jessie Reyez)

Finding You - Kesha

Lost Boy - Teddy Beats (w/ Sharon Desiree)

I Could Use a Love Song - Maren Morris

Go or Go Ahead - Rufus Wainwright

Supermodel - SZA

Figures - Jessie Reyez

Focus - H.E.R.

Something to Tell You - Haim

Malibu - Miley Cyrus 

I Count the Minutes - Ricky Martin 

Change the World - Eric Clapton (w/ Babyface)

Congratulations - Post Malone (w/ Quavo)

3 Little Pigs

One ex-boyfriend thinks I want him back,
another doesn't know I want him back,
and one knows I definitely don't want him back but insists I'll come around one day anyway

The thing that obviously broke us all apart: we were never-ever on the same page

Lost

I've stopped living life
I've just been sitting around and waiting
for someone to come grab me
however, no one ever reaches out,
but there I go again
insisting that patience is a virtue and if I hang tight
someone will take care of me
I've got all these feelings bottled up inside
I lie in bed at night just thinking and praying and hoping
this is not how it's supposed to go, though
I'm not supposed to put a pause on my life while everyone is on the go
but it's not enough to realize this
I've got to do something
I just don't know where to begin
how to start
when to let go

The Beatdown

Accidentally browsing through an ex-boyfriend's Instagram account
is tantamount to jumping in front of a streetcar
I feel beat-up
suckered into this curiosity
gut-punched by emotions I thought I could handle,
underestimating its ferocity
like a storm chaser without the proper gear to evaluate what's coming
insides all mangled
nerves jangled
a human devoured beyond repair
your happiness is a weapon I thought I could shield!
I'm angrily fixated on what was
and there you go just living

At a Party

That look you give me
when you catch a glimpse of me from across the room
Like you know you've got all of this,
I'm all yours, and you're really fucking proud about it
I never want to forget it

I want to get it tattooed to your favorite part of my body
because I want to see it every day, even on the days when you're nowhere near

You see, I somehow survived a great amount of years of feeling empty,
ugly,
unwanted...
and that look,
your eyes warmly concentrated on the very thing that took me so long to accept
your eyes peeking at me as I breathe and live and be
recording me for safe keeping in your memory
makes me forget that

I feel you thinking how much you adore me to the moon and back
as you watch me mingling with the lot about us
feigning interest
and silently wishing I could push them all out a window so it's just the two of us left standing

I hope you see the love painted all over my face,
in these flushed rouge big round cheeks

Killing Me

Dear Grams:

I remember thinking everything would be all right
as soon as I saw your lifeless body on the hospital bed
I thought:
don't worry, you'll be taken care of
you won't want for anything
because you did your part
you watched over her all those days no one else did
and you will be rewarded for that

but every day seems to feel like a punishment
you're gone
everyone else seems to have followed suit
your soul is dancing in the heavens like it ought to be
you're safe and sound
happy and free
and I'm all alone here

I think I'll be gone soon, too
I fight these thoughts but I can't tell you how easy it seems it'll all be
if I could just grab a knife and slit my wrist to join you

That sounds morbid, I know
but I don't know any other way
and I don't think I can stand another day here
these days here are killing me

Wait

It's not too late like you think it is
It's early yet, even though it feels like it's not
relax, pray, let go
waiting is a part of life
the world's a waiting room, you see
and it feels like your name will never be called
but hold steady
keep still
don't let the wait drive you crazy
you will be next

Baby Boy

Humans aren't born with the knowledge they eventually secure
Lessons happen
and we can't blame the unknowing
is it fair to fault a child who can't walk on his own at first breath?
I wasn't born with the right mind to know
Don't shoot me for needing a lesson or two

Maybe

Maybe you're home tonight thinking of me too

Maybe you can't sleep 

and you keep getting up to raid the fridge but nothing seems to fulfll you 

because I'm missing

You should be telling me another story

I used to sit and listen to you tell me all the things that occupied your mind

your family, your career, your dreams

your plans for the future

for us

Or maybe you're home snoring like you always do

someone's probably holding you

I'm replaced

that's not okay

but we have to let destiny take its course
you belong to someone else
and maybe that's for forever
or maybe it's not
I'll just sit and wait

I can't get you out of my head anymore

I used to be so good at it

you were always an afterthought 

that kind of love that mattered a few times a year when I had nothing better to do

but not anymore

because you're the one

you just don't believe it anymore

and I'm way too late to realize it

What on earth am I supposed to do about it? 

El

"You smoke?" El asks behind a shy smile.  "I brought a jay."

Me'Shell plays in the background...

"What's a jay?" I respond, not knowing for sure but wondering if maybe he means...

"A joint. Marijuana. You smoke?"

"Oh. No. No, I don't.  But I have an ashtray if you need one."  I figure I'll let him turn into whoever it is he turns into in situations like these.  Maybe he's nervous and needs the high to calm him down.  Maybe he can only make love behind thick clouds, blinding him from the body in front of him.  Maybe I could get a subtle high from the fumes, too.  Something to help me get through this thing I deep down don't really want to do but have to do because lately sex is the only thing that helps me feel anything anymore.

He pulls the jay out of his pocket and starts to blow on it.  I guess to clean out the jeans-debris?  I make my way to the living room to get the ashtray.

Me'Shell still plays...

He takes his shirt off as I walk towards him with the ashtray.  I notice a single tattoo on his dark shoulder.  His skin's like soft silk and his tattoo is kind of like a flaw you spot on wooden furniture.  You know the kind: it's there and sometimes ugly but there's a beauty to it just the same so you buy the table anyway.

"Ha. Even your ashtray is classy," he says after I hand it to him.  It's crystal, glass. I keep it spotless, though it's been used from time to time whenever relatives visit me.  There's a drawn coqui on it.

"I got it in Puerto Rico." I tell him, smiling as I hang on to his thinking I'm classy.  He lights his jay and I sit beside him.  I stare at his tattoo.  I try to make it out in the darkness of my bedroom.  A candle flickers near us.  The flame is just enough to help me make out a horse one minute and then a spear.  A lemon lavender cloud of smoke billows its way around the room as I move my fingers towards the mark on his body. I trace it, spellbound by his beauty and this art.

"Unicorn." he whispers after a pull.

Me'Shell continues...

"What?" I come to.  I sit up straight, half dizzy from the fumes.  Am I high?  Or does my mind just think it's loopy because I'm sitting next to someone doing drugs?

"It's a unicorn. My tattoo," he says laughing, showcasing his pearly whites.  Straight like he obviously has had braces half his life.  Maybe he's got them now. The invisible kind.

"Did it hurt?"  I ask.

"I was so high when I got it I can't remember," he muses.  "It's the gayest kind of tattoo to get but I love it.  Unicorns are pretty but they'll poke the shit out of anyone who comes close."

I lie down and study this idea.

Me'Shell finishes and before Prince begins to play, El sets what's left of his jay in the ashtray.

"I hate Prince but The Breakdown gets me somehow." I say to him but more to myself, almost as an apology.  The music seems a bit cliche.

"I dig it," he assures me.  His pants come off.  I stare at the perfection before me.  It's like some kind of african god is about to make love to me.  Is this what high is?  I feel prettier than I am and the man before me looks like something you jerk off to late at night before bed.

"Turn around," he demands.  I do as told, he pulls my shorts off.  "Damn," he whispers.

"What?" I ask.  I want to hear all the words he thinks about me.  And he begins to tell me everything as he gently moves his face towards my ass, then spreads.  He speaks after each lick, each kiss, each soft bite.

"This...is...good.  You're...fucking...amazing.  So clean.  Smooth.  Soft.  My...god..."

For a while I comfortably settle myself on top of soft blankets and let him eat me.

Prince plays and plays again and again and I imagine maybe my computer's high too.  Why's it playing the same song? I wonder, forgetting I added the song to my playlist a dozen times.

Suddenly, I swear I hear light sabers.  He's so good I feel like I'm lost in some Star Wars galaxy.

"Keep eating," I tell him, faintly and intoxicatingly.

The light sabers continue.  It's like there's a battle behind us going on.  He's moaning along.

"Damn...I...can't...stop...eating...this."

I laugh and then remember the light sabers are from Prince's song.

Listen

The man of my dreams
will have headphones on the day we meet the first time
I'll watch him from across a room or train or someplace on the street in New York City
my eyes will follow his head-tossing to the music,
his smiling to the lyrics
and when he finally sees me,
he'll nod
and before I conjure up the courage to nod back
he'll make his way towards me and ask if I want to listen too
because music is the best way to connect

Another, Again

One more year
Older but none the wiser
With age comes wisdom
But truth be told, my feelings haven't aged a day
I still feel like a teen-age boy
I'm a man by all means
I guess my insides haven't caught on to that

But that's OK
this is me, and I am here

I'm Edwin

The Breakup

I have had enough of the world lately.  I don't think I'm alone with this either.  There's so much going on.  Slowly I'm losing hope that better days are around the corner.

I grew up believing that things happen for a reason.  We suffer disasters and obstacles because, supposedly, they help make us stronger.  Also, there are blessings behind every monstrous thing we end up facing in our lives.  

But, I can't say I believe all that now as an adult.  As I sit here contemplating my life, my experiences, the deaths and disasters, I can't help but realize: blessings are really fucking hard to come by.  They seem so minuscule in the grand scheme of things.  Many of us have suffered plenty! Yet the rewards, that joy in the morning after all the night-time weeping, are scarce. 

I'm so angry!

I need an emotional cleanse.  I want to deep-dive into a pool of peace and come back drenched in new hope.  Everything that's supposed to be running smoothly is out of whack.  World leaders are corrupt, people are dying, the poor are suffering, and every fucking evil person out just prosper continuously.  

I have had enough of watching it. It's all you see online. So, I'm taking a break from the un-Spiritual House of the Internet, where black souls flock and eat your heart like Harry Potter dementors.   Every corner, every angle, every unexpected twist and turn of cyberspace eventually leads to melancholic intoxication.  I need a break from this! 

So, dear Internet: you had me at welcome but for now I must say goodbye.  

Selfish Boy

In youth is pleasure
but then we fade away
I keep thinking about the years that have flown by
the times I should have enjoyed every bit of little responsibility
How I prayed for something more or something better
when things were just right
I'm so grown now
my hair proves it
the wrinkles will come soon, too
and I won't be able to mask those like I do everything else

La La Land

I hated La La Land at first sight—but, as generally happens in such cases, I grew to love it as I lay in bed that night thinking more and more about it.  What is it about it that makes it hard to forget it after watching it?  I can't pinpoint to one absolute answer.  I know it made me feel a heap of things and I was restless the whole night.  It made me believe in all the things I used to believe about dreams.  In fact, it made me believe in them again altogether.  Dreams are real and it takes a lot of fucking perseverance to achieve a lot of what we want in life.  Sometimes it even takes a little help from someone we love, too.

A push or a nudge to let go and make things happen is what most of us need.  This is what I need, I know that now for sure.  This is a valuable lesson—and, even though it sounds so cliched and juvenile, most of us forget it.  I forgot it!

There's so much more I can get into about this movie—the themes, the music, the beautiful story, the superb director and actors who obviously worked their asses off to get this done—but, I won't because it should be a crime to have to explain it to anyone when everyone should go out and watch it themselves.  You owe yourself this movie!

Imagine: there are still some who haven't given it a thought or chance.  How sad for them.