Tough Love

Evolution of a Lonelyheart

At first, I spent the beginning of the day despising myself as I reread my blog posts of the last few days. I was embarrassed by my audacity. How could I lead myself on, admit such things that are, with all due respect, fucking stupid?

I remembered, though, writing is therapeutic. Writing helps me understand what I'm going through. It helps me see what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. It's the best way to put everything in perspective, especially because I'm not a talker and there's no other outlet for me to release other than this.

So, my shame quickly vanished once I remembered: "confession is good for the soul." Though temporary, my posts were about real feelings. Real and normal feelings even if somewhat shameful. I am ashamed I wasted time missing a man who isn't worth missing and writing about him too many times. I wasted precious days. But, again, that's OK. It happens and we learn from the things we go through. At least we should learn anyway and at least this time I have.

Sometimes we feel the strangest things. But these don't always last a lifetime and thank God! I missed someone for a few days but that's because I felt lonely. Loneliness is a tricky feeling. I'm over him. I've been over him for years now. He doesn't move me anymore. So, I didn't really miss him-him. You see, I missed him the human, the human I was always so comfortable around. But I didn't miss the person, the man I fell out of love with so long ago. In my vulnerability—dealing with surgery, singleness, that distracting and overwhelming need to feel arms around me holding me, caring for me like a little baby boy—my judgement was clouded and impaired. I was confused, really. I guess needy, too—and neediness is a cataract. It will blind you and make you think the foulest things.

I am better than this. I know better than this. I can laugh this off now and I thank the heavens because I almost got swept away again. I truly almost confused myself into believing I had real feelings for him again. But it was mostly loneliness and, who knows, maybe a tinge of horniness? Masturbation saves.

Wake Up!

I woke up this morning
and now I understand
what it's like to be a stupid man
All these love notes for what?
He's got a blind eye
and a heart dedicated to someone else
He doesn't want you, Edwin!
So, move on
let it go
and get a fucking grip

Pretending

I feel like Morello, dreaming up this love that isn't there. I'm trapped in my own prison and I keep thinking you're outside waiting for me once I recoup from this incarceration, this mental instability. I tell myself all the time you are mine. I comfort my growing emotions, my loneliness, my eager desperation with thoughts about us and the time we'll spend once I'm free. You're waiting for me. I tell myself these things. I dance around in my room, making playlists in my head of songs we'll listen to when we make love, drive from a date, clean the house together, and get married. But what am I thinking? You don't even come to visit. I look out the window from time to time and you're never there. There are always birds, though. And I tell them, with crying eyes, "please, please, please tell him I'm waiting."

I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"There's no life without music."

Make It Look Good - Mariah Carey
Do It Again - Röyksopp & Robyn
Leave Your Lover - Sam Smith
Dumb - Jazmine Sullivan
I Will Never Let You Down - Rita Ora
Close Your Eyes - Lily Allen
Jerk Ribs - Kelis
Latch - Disclosure (w/ Sam Smith)
You're Not the One - Sky Ferreira
Rather Be - Clean Bandit (w/ Jess Glynne)
Sleeping with a Friend - Neon Trees
The Breakdown - Prince
Am I Wrong - Nico & Vinz
Gold Mine - Breanne Düren

The Reminder

I write to let go
I act out here
I'm the simplest man
with hardly an ounce of bravado in real life
so don't be alarmed
don't take this all at face value
this is just a place to release
this is my home
where I let my thoughts run freely
and I may not always mean what I write after I've written
and some of these things here may just be temporary feelings

My Stress

Well, what am I supposed to do—
just say no
when I want to?
I had him first!
I taught him everything there is to know
About love
And dedication
He didn’t even think himself worthy of adoration
Until I came along
And praised his every way
I have rights
In the court of love
I have fucking rights!

And you
with your perfect job
And perfect home
Your perfect smile
And perfect nose
Your perfect skin
And perfect hair
Your perfect attitude
And perfect stare
You won’t have to worry a goddamn minute
He’ll go home to you
And you’ll get everything that comes at night:
A warm shower together,
cozy cuddles,
Some I love you’s
And other sweet mentions
And I’ll be left to fend for myself
Recite lines to justify my life
Like:
I myself am made entirely of flaws,
stitched together with good intentions

Walking Dead

What if we're the dead ones and all those unmoving people dressed in beautiful dresses and suits locked in boxes and buried under cold dirt are the ones alive?  I don't feel anything inside. The heart beats irregularly.  I stop to grasp for air.  My brain keeps telling lies. They're all out to get me I have realized. Or, have I been tricked to despise?  I hate you everybody but only 'cause you all make me love you too much. Crazy's come knocking and I can't hide from her clutch.

Bare

When you crawl in bed with someone, is sex ever safe? What about the unprotected thoughts and emotions? There's no condom large enough to protect us from those diseases affecting the heart and mind—diseases like heartbreak, loneliness, and that ever-popular one...desperation.