Anxious

I feel so g-ddamn empty
so less myself than ever before
'cause there are things missing
and I can't understand how to get any of it back
the instructions make no sense, never mind
there's no way
I think, anyway
even though everyone says there is
-- just breathe.

but that's a lie
'cause that's all I do when I feel this out of touch
with everything outside
gasping for air
running inside like the second hand chasing time
I ain't brave enough
to have faith enough to keep on going

the pills don't make me feel better
and I'm not a patient patient
even though you see me try
this is why--
the only good thing about a bottle of medicine is it sounds like maracas when I shake it

My Boyfriend the Ex-Boyfriend, or Déjà Vu

You're back in my life
and I've been going about just as I did
all that time ago
scraping off the eggshells at my draggy feet
watching my heart dangle at my sleeve—
it bounces against my thigh
and you laugh

Is any of this real
I ask myself all the time now
I'm not so sure
am I dreaming and this is all in my head
because I keep reciting the things I said before

Namely, please, my love, just love me enough that I feel it all over me

You didn't get it then and you promise every day
that you get it now
but all the pieces fit the same and I'm still lost
and wondering

People don't change at all even though you say you have
and will
and promise to
How can I believe any word of that if I still love you

You see, I myself have not changed

Wally

I think a lot about our first night together
at the theatre
and then at the station waiting for that damn C train to come and take us home
I never told you:
But I knew I loved you the minute you held me tight against my will
"what if somebody sees us!?" I said
and you said, "so?"
with a real smile
because, back then, you were too young to know any better
and, well, who cares who sees two people falling in love?

I hope you have fond memories of me
you're a grownup now,
by number anyway－the truth is, you were more of a grownup than me
always much older in spirit and maturity
I was never quite able to catch up to you
but, whatever...

I hope you're okay, is what I'm getting at
and even though I'd give anything to wring your neck
for everything past, present, and future
I'd quickly hug you tight right after
because you taught me so much more than I ever dared to admit
and I'll remember

Remember, too
OK?

Goals

I made a mistake and sat down on those steps
I should've been climbing on
because things got hard
and I thought I didn't stand a chance
against the others shuffling along
moving on up without me
but, I swear it,
my rest was temporary
and I'm awake, you see
I'll keep going now
and reach those landings soon enough

Is This Love?

You move me in so many ways
and I'm forever grateful
I would have suffered if I hadn't given in, I know this now
that look you gave me when you told me you would take care of things
saved me

It's a rollercoaster ride loving me so
and I often wonder if you feel the same about it
all the battles
and the mindless breakdowns I find myself lost in
anyone with half a brain would lose interest
but you haven't left me yet,
so that's something

To Troubled Boys

We do the things we do because we're sad

and though it doesn't seem as so,

we're not all bad

You see,

some time ago before we ended up this way

we were tormented

by the corrupted ways of this land

mistreated,

misdirected,

misinformed

What else would you have expected us to become?

We had no chance

New

2015 was everything I don't ever want to experience again
Every day was torture
and it felt like there was no end
no sunshine in sight
I died inside with all my might
but, for some reason,
I feel better and alive tonight

There's hope.