Year End Review

Well, this is it. I don't think I'm particularly pleased with how it all ends. 2008 should have been more magnificent. It wasn't. I should have done more. I didn't. There should have been more stuff to feel and relish. Not much really came (nothing beautiful anyway).

There were a lot of tears shed. A load of shit to get through and settle. I saw death, experienced pain, bled, moved slowly, saw little progress, and felt nothing new in the end.

I'm still blind. I speak carefully. It hurts to smile. I'm confused. Still poor. Angry. Betrayed.

Whose to blame for all this? I don't know. I want to sit and curse God out but what good would that do? I think He only listens when He wants to anyway.

Oh My God: Ida Maria

Ida Maria is a 24 year old Norwegian rock goddess. She hasn't made it big just yet but I certainly think she'll catch on soon enough. Visit her site to learn more.

Check out the expression on her face at 1:33. It says so much. Life is painful, it's tough, we all seek cures. See how it seems to hurt her to breathe? Then of course, she lets loose. My God. She rules. This is exactly how I feel today.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Currently on an endless loop."

After Tonight - Justin Nozuka
I Like You So Much When You're Naked - Ida Maria
The Thing About Love - Alicia Keys
Colgando En Tus Manos - Carlos Baute & Marta Sánchez
Smack Into You - Jon McLaughlin
Love On the Rocks - Sarah Bareilles
Queen of the World - Ida Maria
Closer - Goapele
A Favor House Atlantic - Coheed and Cambria
Summertime - The Sundays
Take Me - Teedra Moses (w/ Raphael Saadiq)
Words - Anthony David (w/ India.Arie)
Beautiful/Yes We Can - Mateo

To the Straight Boy I Love(d) II, or A Walk in June

The rain tonight is dreadful
and it soaks my t-shirt madly
my nipples roar, hardened
by the wetness and coolness of the falling water
I stroll along some avenue, pissed by luscious grapes
thinking clouds form my foundation and wings provide steadiness
Summer shyly lingers
not quite prepared but present still behind the rain
the warm faint wind brushes my hair
and tickles my nose
laughing bugs, the occasional screeching of tires, and street lights provide reality
I sing, drenched by God
soaked inside by wine
disrupted by the corrupted ways of love
while you travel the depths of some female beauty
deaf to my song
deaf to my sounds
my rhythms make the earth tremble
but yet you feel only the vibrations of her throbbing lips

my lips, meanwhile, cry unbeknownst to you

HIV is Still Alive

Here's Josh, a 26 year old gay New Yorker who's probably too horny and lonely for his own good, like so many of us.

Watch the movie and increase your knowledge by clicking here.

(Click Here for Part 2.)

To the Straight Boy I Love(d) I

You're the straight thing I can't commit to
not because I won't
or shouldn't
but because you're too scared

That face, I swear
I'd love to hump it
embrace it between my thighs somehow
and let your lips just press up on me
would you ever honor my request for playing?
We won't tell her a thing
even if I see her two hours later
and call her my favorite chum
I'll offer her gum
and we'll chew like nothing's wrong
She'll mention you
and I'll ask, "Who?"
She'll remind me again
and I'll pretend
I'll pretend.

My Music Awards

So, music’s big day is finally coming:
Grammy nominations will be announced Wednesday.
Although it’s been quite a dismal year in music, I am anxious!
Let’s see who'll rule, who'll be shunned, and who'll be (unfairly) over-praised...
To celebrate, here's what I think ought to be recognized.
These are my winners...

Record of the Year:
"Chasing Pavements" - Adele.
The song is haunting. If it doesn’t move you to pieces, you are a walking corpse.

Album of the Year:
"As I Am" – Alicia Keys.
The set sold more than 700,000 copies its first week out. It’s her best album, period. From the very start until the end, it is quite a profound piece of work. No other album released during the eligibility year should walk away with this award. It is serious stuff. I swear it.
Honorable Mentions: Raising Sand, by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss.

Song of the Year (songwriters award):
"Bleeding Love" – Ryan Tedder & Jesse McCartney.
A show-stopping, colossal of a song. This type doesn’t happen all the time. Brilliant words. I can’t think of a more deserving song this year.

Best New Artist:
Adele.
This is a long shot but I don’t care. She is real. She is young. She writes her own stuff. She plays the guitar. She’s a white Etta James. She’s drug-free and bikini-free. It’s about the music, not the panties. Shall I go on? No new artist had a better album in ’08. Will she be nominated? She better be!

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:
"So What" – P!nk.
It’s her biggest selling single, with good reason. She’s tough but she manages to break your heart just the same. The bridge tugs the soul.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance:
"Superwoman" – Alicia Keys.
An ode to the powers that be: the Women.

Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal:
"Just One Kiss" – Raphael Saadiq & Joss Stone.
Two of the most underrated stars of R&B music.

Best R&B Album:
"As I Am" – Alicia Keys.
Need more reasons? Gut wrenching, daring, different, just plain amazing.

Best Contemporary R&B Album:
"The Way I See It" – Raphael Saadiq.
Pure and bold. He took a time machine to the 60s and came back with this. A smart and indelible work of art.

Best Urban/Alternative Performance:
“Sandcastle Disco” – Solange.
I don’t like her as a person but she can sing. The track is amazing and so much fun. In fact, the whole album is great. If it weren’t for Amy this wouldn't be.

Best Dance Recording:
“Just Dance” – Lady Gaga.
The song is a knockout. Christina Aguilera should be so lucky.

Best Electronic/Dance Album:
“Robyn” – Robyn.
The comeback album of the year. Ferocious fun filled with beats that stand out.

R.I.P.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me
and then you weren't.

As I Lay Dying

You kissed me with lying lips

Your hands traveled my body
and I swear I felt the others

They hang on
still
and as the sweat of your palms moistened my skin
like tears
I died inside all over

I think I've died eight times with you already...

You relaxed me with practiced words

Your mouth moved
and I swear I heard the others

I heard them moaning with passion
as you beamed inside with pleasure

Was it amazing?
Each time, was it a fantastic thing--
worth every second?

What went on inside that head as you dug inside with your heartless love?
What happened to your heart as you made your way to another home that wasn't mine?

You may never be the same to me again
and I wonder
what am I going to do about it?

Catwalking

I spent the last couple months stuck on a show I despised at first.
Spent my Wednesday nights glued to my seat, eyes to the screen.
She is probably the most fiercest black woman in the world
and her show is America's Next Top Model.
I never thought the show was for me, but boy was I wrong.
Go Tyra.

So, tonight, my favorite took the crown home.
She's got that odd look about her
and she doesn't really seem like the classic winner type
but of course
she is
and look at her...

Here is how she looked when she started out...

And right beside you'll see one of her final photos.

Ah-may-zing.

Here is McKey.

O My Soul

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have done a most horrific deed. Well, actually, the thing is this—it’s what I have not done that is the horrific sin. I’ll state my case...

She is now a glam, goth chick
with eyes that sparkle
and hair so straight it can cut

The voice is impeccable still
but the sound is a waste

It’s nothing new
she took a bite from the lesser ones
and forged an overdid beat
or racket, if you will

Still, she parades
in high heels
the (self proclaimed)
super bitch
mimicking her own octaves on an offed mic

How dare she?

And we all thought she was going the mighty way.

But,
no.

And for these reasons, Sir, my sin is this:

I did not go spend $9.98 at the ever-red store for Christina Aguilera’s new disc on Tuesday.

Why?

Because I’m mad!

And although I've got every set she's ever put out
burned track after track after track on my poor little radio
I won't support this.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"These will save you."

Another Day - Jaime Lidell
I Love, You Love - John Legend
If I Were a Boy - Beyoncé
Could You Be Loved - Bob Marley
Naked as We Came - Iron & Wine
Giving Myself - Jennifer Hudson
Ce Jeu - Yelle
Río - Aterciopelados
Another Way to Die - Alicia Keys & Jack White
List of Demands - Robyn & Jenny Wilson
Soon We'll Be Found - Sia
By Your Side - CocoRosie
Paper Planes - Mateo

O

You Are Glasses

What a mess.

Yesterday we all found out that Brooke Smith, the actress who plays Dr. Erica Hahn on Grey's Anatomy, was unfairly, surprisingly, and rather mistakenly fired from the show. According to Shonda Rhimes, Grey's creator and Executive Producer, the character of Dr. Hahn was not worth salvaging because they did not think she'd be an asset to the show in the long run.

Such bullshit.

Each week, Hahn has been such a grand force. This is just another example of how ridiculous the show is getting. Be prepared for a slew of new characters to come barging in now.

Here is Brooke Smith as Dr. Hahn in one of the finest scenes in Grey's history. It just screams Emmy.



Click here for an article on the subject.

Dear Obama

you better make me love this land again
you better fit the part
and be more than just a recent hype

you better make me believe in dreams
and realize that faith is true
that goodness will prevail
even in the darkest hour
because goodness shall set us free
i better believe

will you be chosen to lead our people?
tonight we'll see
will you win
and lead this great war
this war against injustice, poverty, hopelessness, and deceit
will you be our new conductor
we'll see
and if you get to lead
we shall stick beside you

so don't mess this up
for i want change
make this real, obama
and be a worthy name

Please Don't Leave Me

If I find love, I make it really hard for it to last.
I find a single flaw,one mistake
and I gnaw at it like a squirrel to a nut.
I make the tears spill out
and so, the wars take over.
I take things personally and
I get too emotional.
There's no place for that in a relationship—
that's just the bottom line.

I'm a fragile little mess.
I may never be fixed.
I can't say for sure where it all comes from.
These, though, come to mind:

1. I'm not worth the love—
my head tells me that sometimes
even though the heart tries very hard to cry out and shout:
"Edwin, yes you are."
2. I see we're so right for each other.
Maybe that's just too scary
and so, I scramble to mess it up.
3. Maybe you're just out to get me and fool the little sap inside me.
It could be.

These are just some things I think.

Some of my hysterics may be unfounded.
A lot of it though, they come for a reason.
You know well enough.
Still, I think the man that loves me
is truly a fine brave one
because it takes great courage to stick with me.

Listen below.
It relates to what I'm talking about.
It's like she spent a day in my room and came up with this here.

Stick With Me Baby

This happens rarely...

I'm sure you know these two separately
They're very successful singers on their own
But here they are together
and what a luscious song...

It's Finally Here

She's back and times are a lot different then what people were used to that's for sure. Did she make the right move by laying her heart out on a plate for consumers to ravage and criticize? I think so.

P!nk's new set of tracks (12 in total) feature a side to P!nk she only hinted at on her previous album, I'm Not Dead. Here, there are no songs about jerking off or stupid girls. Instead, she dedicates the album to matters of the heart.

She sings...

♪This used to be a funhouse, but now it's full of evil clowns. It's time to start the countdown. I'm gonna burn it down down down.♪

I guess we can say the funhouse is her heart. When you're in love, it's all about happiness and feeling giddy 24/7, like a child at a funhouse. When you break, you're left alone to wallow up in memories. You feel like everything you see reminds you of that one person that let you go. And so, to burn it up would make you feel so fucking better.

Who can't relate to that?

After her very painful divorce, P!nk expresses her sorrow in each song. She was actually going to name the album "Heartbreak is a Mother******".

It's a different pace for P!nk and there have been a good chunk of favorable reviews (minus the one star review by the Chicago Sun-Times - those bastards). People expect her to go all out and get wild. They want songs that rip the hoe-y tarts of Hollywood. Don't get me wrong, that can be fun. But that gets old.

You all know how I feel about her. I've been a P!nk fan since her very first single. I've got all her albums and with each one, she's grown and has become quite an impressive writer.

If only she were taken seriously.

I suggest you buy the album. Check it out. If you want to test some of the tracks first, get Please Don't Leave Me, I Don't Believe You, and Funhouse.

Dear Mommy

On this day
you came
—opened your eyes,
took that first breath,
and were welcomed
by the breeze
and the Island sun

you lasted long enough
to celebrate 28 birthdays
and I hate I'll never get to know how you felt for each one

Were you smiley
and giddy?
Sad for some and
ever empty?
Did you feel scared or inpsired?

What happened in that head?

Were there cakes
and parties?
Did you dance so much your thighs ached the next day?
Did you laugh until it hurt
because you felt so good and special?

Oh, how I dream for a day with you
Just one more
so we can talk about birthdays.

The Secret Life of Bees

The Secret Life of Bees earned $11 million this weekend! That's a fantastic surprise. It even beat W, which opened in nearly 500 more theaters than ...Bees.

I must admit, I was a little apprehensive before watching this. I was so scared of disliking it. As the film rolled, I sat on my seat hoping and praying for the movie not to fail. Critics are very quick to pan a movie that seems too overdone or preachy. This was definitely something that could have destroyed the books integrity and force. Luckily, however, it did nothing but glorify it. I don't see how any critic could not enjoy himself while watching this film.

If you haven't seen it, please set aside some time and support black film. The movie is very good. Honestly, I was so surprised. It's flawless. I think it's a fantastic adaptation. Sophie Okonedo and Queen Latifah give such powerhouse performances.

For the most part, it's a very warm and endearing film, and who doesn't need that? It's a great way to get your mind off the troubles we're all facing nowadays. You'll leave feeling fulfilled and inspired. I know I was.

Go watch it!

Adele II

Here's her latest single, To Make You Feel My Love.

What a fine lady.

She was on SNL last night. If ever there was a day to be on SNL, yesterday was it. Ratings were sky high. So many people were introduced to the beautiful Adele and now, as I write this, her album is number 1 on the iTunes albums chart. She wasn't even in the top 10 before last night! What a difference a day makes.

She deserves the sales. Go get her debut album, 19.

(Click here for an older one of my posts. You'll find a couple clips from her amazing concert in NYC.)

Awesomeness

This is Saul Williams.
Listen to his words.

I Used to be a Promiscuous Boy

I’ve made a ton of mistakes
some in spite of myself
done things that were beyond me
at the time, right during each mistake, I never gave a lick though

been touched
and filled only because I sought to eliminate the pain inside
been kissed in places meant for special ones
and banged by hyena-driven devils
with simple twisted reasons
all in order to see if I could find myself
I never did
and I felt more lost than ever after each time

I say, it was like raping myself
I did the deed willingly yes
but my soul was never in it
still I ignored it
allowed it to get bruised
and violated
all to try to mend the lonely heart

Raphael

Listen to this
From start to finish it's a new masterpiece
He blends 60s gold and adds a funky neo twist
It's a step up from what Mark Ronson did with Amy Winehouse

Get it
and I promise you,
you'll be moved

His name is Raphael Saadiq
and the album is The Way I See It

When You Need a Star

"I wonder if it's possible
to have a love affair
that lasts forever."

Andy Warhol


Although, I may come off as extremely pessimistic to some, I’m more realistic than anything else. I’m optimistic to a point. I hope this isn’t all too confusing.

Here’s the thing:

What destroyed me six years ago, has made me who I am today. This isn’t a good thing, I do realize that. However, no matter how much I try or how many times I seek to be hypnotized, I am always reminded by that one fateful night.

It was late. Near midnight and the sky was so empty. Not a star or a moon at all. I mean, I’m sure they were there somewhere. I just couldn’t find them for the life of me. And believe me, I looked! I searched like mad for a single star to wish upon. Barefoot, in my little boxers and T, I was cold but I kept that window open as I looked for a fucking star.

In between those hours I spent looking out the window, I dialed my boyfriend's number. I dialed and dialed and dialed. Each time, I got his voicemail. He was supposed to call me! It was late and I was used to his phone calls to wish me goodnight. It helped me fall fast asleep, knowing that as I lay down there was a human somewhere in this world loving me profusely.

I spent the early morning hours awake and anxious. Kept dialing. Kept searching. Kept sending pointless wishes to an empty sky. And finally, when a voice did sound after the hundredth call, it wasn’t him. It was someone else. Some other man. Some other fool who probably got to taste what belonged to me.

Days later, Carlos never admitted to cheating. He had simply lost his phone at a gay bar and some asshole had picked it up. I still left him though. I left because he said he would be working late. Instead, he was out dancing and boozing it up with easy fags. One lie and so I ran.

Ever since then, no love has ever been easy.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"In music I trust."

1234 - Plain White T's
Say You Love Me - Velvet Code
Honey - Erykah Badu
Love - Matt White
Fear - Jazmine Sullivan
Elephants - Rachel Yamagata
Without Love - Nikka Costa
Beating My Heart - Jon McLaughlin
Let It Fall - Lykke Li
Cinco Minutos - Gloria Trevi
Far Far - Yael Naïm
How I Feel - Kelly Clarkson
If This Isn't Love - Jennifer Hudson
Everybody's A Star - Robin Thicke

Is TV Gone?

It has been a rocky season. With all the shows returning, and new ones trying to make a name for themselves, I haven’t been touched or inspired by any of it this year. This is a huge surprise. Of the television shows I watched last year (Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters, and Private Practice), I’m down to only three. I used to be such a television buff. Nowadays, I find myself drawn to the Internet and the written word. I don’t think I’m alone either.

This year, almost all shows have seen their audience shrink -- some by extremely freaky decreases. With last years strike out of the way, there hasn’t really been much interest in television like before. Remember those days when everyone talked about Grey’s Anatomy and we all wondered what would happen come next week? Or how about those days we laughed out loud and waited anxiously for the latest Ugly Betty episode? Gone baby, gone.

If anything, I think last years strike did nothing but destroy television. We were all forced to find different outlets for our amusement. Now it’s just harder to go back and dedicate time to a show which doesn’t seem promising anymore. I think, like me, many of us are mad. Last year, we were all left hanging. And now, we’re being forced to catch up and enjoy shoddy writing and messy episodes.

Those selfish strikers. In truth, I do believe they had every right to voice their disapproval. In fact, I do believe writers are largely mistreated and taken for granted. But their strike, this great tragedy that killed TV last year, made everything worse. They should have waited. They should have brought out the best damn writing ever and completed last season on a high note. Then, they should have went ahead with a strike. I would have rather had a full season last year, complete with well crafted and finished story lines. All this instead of the mess that is going on right now. There were so many questions left unanswered last year! I would have preferred a glorious finish instead of a rushed and sticky start. You know what I mean?

Consider this:
Grey's Anatomy - premiere down 18% from last year
Ugly Betty - down 15%

Two of the most celebrated and respected shows on TV—going down.

Escritura

Yo dibujo estas letras
como el día dibuja sus imágenes
y sopla sobre ellas y no vuelve.

Octavio Paz

(I draw these letters
as the day draws its images
and blows over them
and does not return.)

Vote or Die

This is really scary. It is so hard to believe that this nation is filled with so much ignorance. The dirty, dirty people. Let us pray.

A Divine Revelation

This morning
I looked up at the sky
and saw the stars
but for the first time in a long time, I made no wish

This is it
no more pleas
or silly requests
what will be will be
from now on
I'll move one day at a time
dismiss expectations
rebuke all urges to ask for this or that
I won't wish upon any star
because wishes don't really make it

In the end, we get whatever we get by chance
for that, I will cling to nothing
give up on any hope
for now, I'll just sit and live
what comes, comes
silently I will accept
because this is the only true way to limit disappointment

On the J

He stares
and I think: "what do you want from me?"
He's got those arms that seem to speak
you know the kind—
those luscious ones
that look like they can carry a car

He could lift me
and throw me against a wall
with one finger
and so I keep from looking back
in case he's some basher looking for an angry fix
and I'm the perfect kind
an innocent lovefool weak for hungry eyes
because attention is oh so fulfilling

so I go back to my little Latino novel
try and keep my strength
breathe
release
the train moves to each station and I just read

but then,
this massive urge to look bangs inside me
this insane need to give him a quick glance controls me
my insides devoured, I look up
He stares profoundly and I see a little smirk appear
I look back down
Close my eyes
sigh
and think:
"Sir, you are hotter than I'll ever be."

Stuck To You

The Women

On Friday, Picturehouse Studios released The Women, a remake of the 1939 film of the same name which starred Joan Crawford. The modern version brings together some of Hollywood’s most talented actresses. The film has been in development for more than 15 years, mainly because there wasn't a lot of support for a female oriented film. There was little faith that such a film could succeed. It took a lot of patience, bravado, and perseverance to get the film made and distributed. I wonder if it'll prove worth it though.

I think it is vital women set out to see this film. In order for more movies like this to be made, women have to support support support! Look how successful the movie Sex and the City was. And how about Mamma Mia!? We've got to believe if they make it, women will go.

I recently asked a bunch of my female friends/family members if they were anticipating the release of this film. Unfortunately, not many of them had even heard of the movie. Others were going to wait until its DVD release. Both sad situations because this only proves what studio execs already claim...namely, women cannot control the movie screen. To them, there has to be a man present. A film about women and made for women won't succeed if women stay home or go out to accompany the men who see the action flicks that dominate box office numbers.

If you are a woman, when was the last time you went out in support of something feminine? (And I'm not just talking about tampons and pads here.)

On Sunday, when the weekend box office numbers are released, let's see where The Women will be.

Click this for the trailer.

Traveling Through?

I may never be able to travel the world. I may never be allowed outside the United States. Isn't that the saddest thing you have ever heard? It is to me.

Two weeks ago, I applied for a passport. I showed up at the post office with so much excitement. Finally, my very own key to waters beyond this place here! I felt too happy and was very much prepared to shell out a hundred dollars for a small book that I anticipated using a lot of. Oh, but how my high spirits were put to rest...

Let me tell you what happened...

I'm next on line and I double check to make sure I have all necessary documents. I'm good to go. The agent calls next...
I tell her what I'm there for...
She takes my application...
Asks for ID...
I give her my learner's permit...
and POOF...
my bubble is burst.

"This isn't valid," she says.

"Excuse me?" I ask. "That's a learner's permit. It's my ID. How isn't that valid?"

"We only accept State IDs or a driver's License. Permit's are not acceptable."

"Huh!?"

"Sorry. You have to come back with someone who has a valid ID or driver's license so that they can sign an affidavit stating they have known you for more than five years and that who you say you are is true. Come back with your permit and someone who can vouch for your identity."

...

At this point, I'm confused and uninspired. I want to go home and just forget about this headache. But then I think, "no, wait! I want to travel, damn it!"

My uncle comes to the rescue. His license in tow, we go back to the post office. The clerk is polite...helpful. And...

Voilà! Application c o m p l e t e!

"You'll get your passport in four weeks. Have a nice day."

I think: so worth the time and effort just to hear those words. Immediately, I fantasize about Italy and London, Spain and Brazil. Oh, the lands I get to travel! Thank you God.

But then...

Uh oh indeed.

I get a letter in the mail two weeks later...

"Unfortunately, the identification you provided is not sufficient for passport purposes. Please complete, sign, and date the enclosed supplemental sheet (which is 5 pages long!) and submit it together with photocopies of at least five personal documents to confirm your identity."

Sh*t! F#ck!

Instantly, I think: duh! You knew something would come up, Edwin. Since when has anything ever gone your way? The more you want something, the more you end up having to struggle for it. Remember.

Pissed off and deflated, I call the 800 number provided in the letter to see what went wrong. At the post office, I was told everything was set and approved. My uncle had to rush back to work for taking the time out to help me. I spent my whole morning trying to get this stuff done. I was angry and needed answers.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what they told you at the post office but your learner's permit was not sufficient. You will need five more pieces of identification to complete your application." the operator says, reciting each sentence as if I'd been the fifteenth caller with the same situation that day.

"But my uncle vouched for my identity. I was told with the permit and a signed affidavit I'd be fine." I answer.

"Nope. Sorry. Not enough."

So, here I am today—
gathering all types of nonsense to send out to these passport officials
If this has never happened to you, you'll be flabbergasted to see the list of approved pieces of identity.
Unreal.
I'm sending a copy of my social security card, insurance card, a pay stub, voter's ID from Puerto Rico, HS and college diploma, transcripts, oh and a copy of my medical records if you can believe that.

A messy ordeal this has been. I'll keep you posted if I finally get the damn thing.

Pray for me.

I Want Real Love, Too

"Well, maybe it's time to be clear about who I am.
I am someone who is looking for love—real love.
Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming,
can't-live-without-each-other love."

Carrie Bradshaw

I just spent the last couple months watching the complete series of Sex and the City. It wasn't the first time I had seen any of the episodes, but it certainly felt like it. There was still that antsy anticipation that lingered throughout my body; a gleam of giddy, girly excitement skidding though like how you feel before a first date. Some episodes I had forgotten about and it felt so good to revisit my favorite ones. Each day after work, I'd commit to an episode or five. I'd watch with my dinner plate on top of my lap, after a shower, or right before bed. Last night, I finally reached the last episode and let me tell you, I was emotional all over again. I did not want it to end, and so, being so committed and so connected to the material, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss. How real these characters are! How moving the words they speak! How comical and fulfilling it felt to escape the stresses of life for a little half hour. Life decisions are a lot easier with some comedy on the side.

The God Blog

I can't help but wonder why He is so unfair
if He is real, why must we fight with all our might to find our happiness
if He does indeed exist, why are some better looking than others
and why are some more powerful than most?
He does not love us equally.
There's just so much proof to that.
We can cry our eyes out
shout out loud
pull every hair and study the Word for hours on end
but still, the path to happiness never shortens

I am upset with God
lately, I haven't been able to pray
I've got this tremendous grudge against Him
there's this intense anger
and sorrow
that won't go away
I feel neglected
I feel like He's not on my side
I don't see why I should submit to Him when there's so much pain inside me that He won't fix
I can consume myself in rituals
Join some group of enthused Jesus lovers
Sing a hymn
and praise His name
but in the end, I know this much is true:
the struggles will still exist
my face won't change
I'll speak the same
and my heart will still ache

a melancholic ditty

i’ve got this sadness
that’s quite incomparable
not at all understandable
it moves through my head
driving recklessly through the streets
of veins that keep me
an unending melancholy
suffocating and
stunning the heart
a heart which now beats in a dry and vapid way
my knees shake
strength is worn out
my poor mood, dampened and gray
drenched in uncontrollable tears
i don’t think i can sustain much

i envy the man who stands
on two brilliant feet
the man with perfect speech
capable of expressing his intent
i am trapped
in dirty skin
a sour taste controls my voice
i did not ask for it
and i do not know why i am like this

Vicki Christina Barcelona

You have to see this. It'll make you wish you had the opportunity to travel lands outside your own, to live like a free spirit unafraid to kiss or make art. Penelope Cruz deserves an Oscar nomination for her amazing supporting role.

Check this out.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"It's time for a music bath."

Breaking It Up - Lykke Li
Delayed Devotion - Duffy
Sandcastle Disco - Solange
So What - P!nk
Charm Attack - Leona Naess
No Me Doy Por Vencido - Luis Fonsi
Amigo En El Baño - Kany Garcia
Peace Be Upon Us - Sheryl Crow
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
Bottle it Up - Sara Bareilles
I Feel It All - Feist

In Amy We Trust

The first time I saw this, I fell in love. Instantly I knew she was going to be a huge deal. Her moves, her style, that voice—so impressive.

There's a lot more to come if only she would get better.

Let us all pray for this girl because a talent like hers should not disappear.

Love?

Although we see a panel of women here, this is a universal message. Most of us have these intense perceptions of love. And so, as we seek, we fail. Check out the video below and learn from it. It's an honest, straightforward, and obvious message.

You, Me, and Everyone Else We Know

Stop,
resist.

Click This

The Letter

"If you all didn't think I was crazy, I'm sure you will now. How do I explain the things I've said and done? How do I explain the person I've become? I know I've disappointed everyone and I'm sorry for that. I wish I was a more articulate person. I believe life is magical. It is so precious. And there are so many kinds of life in this life. So many things to love. The love of a husband or a wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend. The love for children. The love for yourself. And even material things. This is my love. It is mine. It fills me and it defines me. And it compels me on."

Molly Shannon as Peggy in Year of the Dog

Possession

it is true you rocked my life
and that i can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard i try
even now, many years later, I still remember every inch of your face
every curve and bump and bone
that brown flesh --
i remember it precisely and that burns me
it isn't fun having you haunt me everyday
i still dream about you
and to me that’s so sick
i still sit and wonder what it is you're doing and who you're doing it with
still wonder if i am ever thought of
or missed or desired
still wonder if someone else gets to hold your hand at the theater or kiss your back as you lie asleep
my spot was taken you see
and i am still not over that

i once learned if you divide the time you were coupled with someone by two,
you’ll come up with the amount of time it’ll take to get over that person
that’s a total lie though
because it seems the amount of time we spent together has been multiplied by a hundred
you’re still here
in this head
many years later

i can go out
have a drink or six
meet new people
have nights of meaningless passion
be worshiped
get high
write write write
try every which way i can to delete your name from my back
but it won’t go away
no amount of scrubbing
or pulling
or peeling can get you away from my life

and i’m not sure what to do now

it is already passed the time for me to move on
but what you’ve done to me
my dear friend and ex lover
won’t let me be

See Through

I dreamt about Ray Charles last night
and he could see just fine

Things aren't what they seem
I have realized
and I wonder what makes us blind

Hope Floats

look 'round
enjoy your view and smile like a kid
stay now
make a wish and don't stop until it's big

Paz

"El sentimiento de soledad, por otra parte, no es una ilusión —

como a veces lo es el de inferioridad —

sino la expresión de un hecho real:
somos, de verdad, distintos.
Y, de verdad, estamos solos."

Octavio Paz

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Music makes the people come together."

Walcott - Vampire Weekend
My Man is a Mean Man - Stefanie Heinzmann
Time Flies - Lykke Li
Baila Mi Corazón - Belanova
Starz in Their Eyes - Just Jack
Angel - Lisa Lavie
Pick it Up - Fergie
Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson
I Decided - Solange
Daydreamer - Adele
Love Story - Mariah Carey
How I Could Just Kill a Man - Charlotte Sometimes
Better in Time - Leona Lewis
He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat) - Jill Scott

The Road

Someone sat and wrote this
or maybe he did it while standing up
either way
think about it...

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it may be harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."

Home

"This place is like an abstract—
you can describe it any way you want
and you can't be wrong."

Ernesto Quiñonez

Do You Write, Too?

Do you write poetry, short stories, or essays?

If so, I'm here to help.

I'm aiming to improve my résumé. Therefore, I have decided to offer myself by providing proofreading services.

So...

Help me by allowing me to help you.

My services are free of charge.

That's right -- pro bono.

Contact me here for more information or via email at eevanortiz@gmail.com.

You won't be disappointed.

Let me be your personal editor.

My Theme Song

I don't know how she did it
I don't know how she got it right
I can't figure out how she packed a pen and paper
and sat in my mind

Just listen...



Everybody But Me
I stand in the corner
Thinking over 1,2 what am I to do
Should I go home still sober
Or should I buy me another glass of wine
And forget about time?

But my jeans are too tight
Don't really feel like dancing
No this light is too bright
Don't really feel like shining
No this room is too small
Rather stand against the wall
And hope that no one sees me

When everybody's dancing
I don't want to
When everybody's joking
I don't want to
When everybody's laughing
I don't want to
Everybody but me

When everybody's drinking
I don't want to
When everybody's smoking
I don't need more
When everybody's fooling
I don't want to
Everybody but me

I get the creeps from all the people in here
I cannot breathe
It's too crowded in here
Don't look at me
I don't wanna be seen
Touched, heard, bothered
By the fellas
Who got that look in their eye
They wanna take me home
Without knowing my name
They wanna put it on
But do they not know
That I'm not like the others

Goodbye, Love

On September 7, 2008, RENT will say goodbye to Broadway.

Currently the seventh longest running Broadway show to date, the Tony and Pulitzer Prize winning musical masterpiece has been a great inspiration for many. It's so sad to see this go. I've seen it on Broadway five times and have plans to go and see it one last time before its final curtain. I'm excited but it's all so bittersweet.

To the master and creator, Mr. Jonathan Larson -- thank you for envisioning the dream and setting out to achieve it. You rocked us all.

my current guilty pleasure

OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flak for posting this but...

Have you heard 7 Things by Miley Cyrus?

I'm h o o k e d.

It really sucks she's such a loose tart though. It's almost embarrassing to say I enjoy the new single.

Listen and tell me what you think.

Comic Relief

E Meets West

hey
i've got this urge to shout out and say:
i need you like the deserts need water everyday
i can't think straight
and every passing minute not knowing what's up with you
makes me weak
it's an addiction
and that's fine
but still i want to punch my stomach out
'cause the nerves are hard to handle
i'm a man--
of age in fact
but i have fallen
and I can't help that

Emmy II

Here's a list of nominees for this years Emmys.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
The Office
Two and a Half Men

My pick: I don't watch any of these shows so I couldn't care less who wins. I think Ugly Betty was definitely overlooked in this category.

Outstanding Drama Series
Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

My pick: Dexter. Finally they're recognizing a good show.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock
Tony Shalhoub - Monk
Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies
Steve Carell - The Office
Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men

My pick: Lee Pace because he's talented and deserves it. It'll be nice to see a surprise win. I'm tired of the same person winning all the time. Tony Shalhoub is overpraised. Alec Baldwin should stay home.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
James Spader - Boston Legal
Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall - Dexter
Hugh Laurie - House
Gabriel Byrne - In Treatment
Jon Hamm - Mad Men

My pick: Michael C. Hall! Finally.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Tina Fey - 30 Rock
Christina Applegate - Samantha Who?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - The New Adventures of Old Christine
America Ferrera - Ugly Betty
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds

My pick: America Ferrera! Hello, who else? Julia Louis is a little annoying. I'm happy for Christina Applegate but ultimately, America did the best job.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Sally Field - Brothers & Sisters
Glen Close - Damages
Mariska Hargitay - Law & Order SVU
Saving Grace - Holy Hunter
The Closer - Kyra Sedgwick

My pick: Sally Field. Period.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Jeremy Piven - Entourage
Kevin Dillon - Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother
Rainn Wilson - The Office
Jon Cryer - Two and a Half Men

My pick: Neil Patrick Harris because I believe in him. Jeremy Piven is arrogant and annoying. Rainn Wilson is a good choice and so is Jon Cryer but Neil Patrick is a lot more fun.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
William Shatner - Boston Legal
Ted Danson - Damages
Zeljko Ivanek - Damages
Michael Emerson - Lost
John Slattery - Mad Men

My pick: John Slattery because he is sexy and good.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Kristin Chenoweth - Pushing Daisies
Jean Smart - Samantha Who?
Amy Poehler - Saturday Night Live
Holland Taylor - Two and a Half Men
Vanessa Williams - Ugly Betty

My pick: Vanessa Williams. Period.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Candice Bergen - Boston Legal
Rachel Griffiths - Brothers & Sisters
Chandra Wilson - Grey's Anatomy
Sandra Oh - Grey's Anatomy
Dianne Wiest - In Treatment

My pick: Sandra Oh. She deserved it last year. Chandra Wilson deserved it a long, long time ago. Of the two, Sandra Oh had more going on this past season.

Emmy I

Well, tomorrow’s a big day for the T.V. world. The Emmy nominees will be announced very early Thursday morning. After a rather troubling season which saw a strike and major cancellations, tomorrow we find out who gets recognized, who got overlooked, and who was over-hyped. Oh, to own that glorious golden lady of a trophy! It'd be a great way to punctuate a season filled with mad drama.

::fingers crossed for the brilliant ones::

I’ll post the interesting categories once they’re out.

Here’s hoping the following names are called:

America Ferrera
Ana Ortiz
Becki Newton
Michael Urie
Sandra Oh
Chandra Wilson
Brooke Smith
Rachel Griffiths
Matthew Rhys

O Ye of Little Faith

"Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls --
because they can. It's part of their biology. "

Samantha Jones

Pride or Prejudice?

If I marry, will you be there
will you toast with me
cry and be pleased
if I marry a he

There She Goes

It's been said that Dr. Izzy Stevens may be killed off on Grey's Anatomy due to Katherine Heigl's recent voluntary withdrawal from Emmy contention, a move made because she did not "feel that [she] was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination...."

Supposedly, the writers are fuming! They feel she's slapped them right across the face. But you can't really blame the divine Ms. Heigl. I mean, this season we saw her try to save a deer! What the hell is that!? Come on, now.

It'll be a bad move if the writers seek to destroy Heigl, who is a key character on the show.

We'll see what happens next season. Izzy is one of my favorite characters. If she goes, I may very well sign off too.

Watch this scene. It's one of her best.

the antediluvian

i'd rather camp out in my own home
beneath familiar blankets
and air i can trust

i'd rather spend a day reading
or writing a little ode
in my room with candles and incense burning--
a quiet atmosphere
my lazy cat relaxing at my feet
all noise asleep
no judges around

home!

there's nothing better than this
and so
i am not going out tonight

freewrite 1, or work issues

So, I'm having a lot of issues at work. I feel overused. It's beginning to feel a lot like hell and I'm afraid if I don't leave, I'll go crazy.

Recently, I voiced my contempt at the amount of work being given to me. Do you want to know the response I got? Ha! It was a little something like this:

"Hey, we appreciate you! We want you to know we have a lot of things planned for you. We don't want you to quit. We see you as an asset and want to see you excel here with us."

Oh man! I'm grateful for the kind words but I so need to run. For some reason, I saw so many red flags as Father Superior spoke out against my unhappiness.

"We value your hard work and we are here for you!"

Ha! I bet he drools dollar signs when he's asleep at night. I'm worth more, dear Sir. I know you know that. I'm leaving. I'm not staying. If I continue and don't let go, then

I
am
going
down.

workers' compensation

i'm gonna jump around the halls
and pray for a sprained ankle
im gonna push myself down a flight of stairs
and hope for a bad bump on the head
i'm gonna look for a small puddle
a loose chord
a nail
or discarded piece of wood
something to make up an accident
so i can leave this place for a good while

s.o.s (save other ships)

it's been raining ever since you left
luckily, i know how to swim

The Collected Wisdom of Angela Chase

I know you remember this stuff.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"A little bit of this, a little bit of that."

Paper Planes - M.I.A.
El Presente - Julieta Venegas
Even After All - Finley Quaye
Black & Gold - Sam Sparro
Normal - Ximena Sariñana
Housewife - Jay Brannan
Can't Find the Words - Karina
When I Said I Would - Whitney Duncan
Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson
A-Punk - Vampire Weekend
Beautiful - Me'Shell Ndegéocello
Stuck to You - Nikka Costa

Support Wall-E!

Adele

Have you heard of Adele, the 20 year old soul singer from England? If you haven't, well, you've got to run to your nearest record store or open your iTunes software and download her album 19. It's a great soul record.

Last month I was lucky enough to see her live at the Highline Ballroom in New York City. I stood staring at her the whole night through completely awe struck, my heart banging and beating against my chest. Standing just feet away and watching her belt song after song after song was pure ecstasy.

Here are a couple of clips from the show. Pardon the poor quality. My digital camera is hard to handle. Still, you can hear her perfectly. That's what counts. Also, check how she acknowledges me in the second clip. So cool!

Considerate Curator

I took a personality quiz and apparently I am what they call a Considerate Curator. Below is a copy of my Personal DNA Map. Mouse over the colors to reveal their meaning. For a full report of my results, simply click the link underneath the colored map. Have fun and tell me what you think.

Considerate Curator
My Personal DNA Report

26 Candles

I can’t believe I’m 26.

I feel like I'm trapped in some warped land. Time is flying like mad and I can't stop the white hairs from blossoming. My goodness! Why won't time go backwards?

I had so much planned for my life at 26 but have gotten little done. It’s so weird how life passes by. The years move and before you know it, you’re fighting hard to regain those childhood memories you’d never imagine you’d miss. Boy, do I wish I was six again.

I remember birthdays being so much more of a bigger deal when I was younger. I’d spend the day standing on a pedestal, the absolute center of attention - receiving presents, constant praise, oh and delicious birthday cake to boot. There was a sense of worth and importance behind presents, cake, a song, and burning candles to wish upon. How things have changed.

Today, I actually had to play a game... a game of who'd call and who was most likely to forget. Not everyone remembers anymore. Not everyone bothers to keep on track and make you feel good. No more birthday cake. No more “surprise!” No more sappy song and bright candles.

On a day like this, coming home to an empty place makes it feel like the worst day on earth. What is it about birthdays that makes wanting family and friends by your side so much more necessary than usual. Why this day?

If I’m 26 and I feel like this, imagine when I’m 36 or 46. Will I not care for familial support or will I just feel worse and worse as less and less people call each year? Also, should I judge a friend harshly because they forgot to call on my one special day? Or, is this a "forgive and forget" lesson of the highest kind?

Perhaps I should not be so brash, but I can't help but wonder, if I provide so much love and support to family and friends, why can't I get my fair share of it too?