At First Sight

Oh!

let it be this way

he'll see me,
and I'll see him

and we'll both know.

love.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

demon writer of schenck street

I'm gonna
collect 'em
at the park--
the ones on benches
in each others arms

I'm gonna
gather a
bunch
at the movies--
the ones secretly kissing
in front of sexy scenes

I'm gonna
go to weddings
and parties
where they come together
to celebrate

get 'em
kill 'em
shred them whole
mix
and drink up

all
so I
can maybe feel it too...

the lovers and
their happy love.

*disclaimer: This is art. Nothing more. I would never do this because I try not to eat too much meat.

Auto/Abuse

It isn’t good
to wish
for a car to blast itself
against my thigh
as I walk
the streets alone

But I can’t help it
I get cravings.

Word Warp, II.

senses working overtime. i smell popcorn. YOU! sigh. sigh. sigh. i sigh a lot these days. one. two. three. i click my heels. you're not here still. fucking judy! red shoes. red shoes. red shoes. ah, I need shoes for the party. how will i dance when you were supposed to come? i'll drink like a thirsty mule. poison myself. oh. to go like that! forgive me if i end up calling...barely coherent. words. are. hard. to. release. when. you're. missing. and. drunk. be ready.

The Killers

It isn’t you that I can’t live without
It’s this feeling that I can’t live with
And if I go
From a self-inflicted wound
Don’t blame yourself
It was me.

Word Warp, I.

listening to amy. realize for the first time ever why people do what they do for the sake of love. hair's a mess. i need a haircut. cat's meowing. no food? no. i think she's set. what do you want!? i just screamed. sorry kitty but i can't take it. why is it so hot!? oh. window's shut. wow. look at that snow fall. i should go out and play. ha! imagine. i'm no kid anymore. i wish. if only. this adult shit is tough. i just want to see him smile again. one more time. am i addicted? amy amy amy.

I do not recommend...

Love is tough. Hearts are broken everyday. Here's a short list of things to take note if you're weak when it comes to handling the pain. You may not agree with me. I don't care. This is what works for me. These are the mistakes I've made and have learned from. Before each sentence, say out loud: "I do not recommend..." If you have something to add, leave a comment!

listening to sade after a breakup.

memorizing a boys number -- because when it's no longer relevant, the number will echo endlessly inside your head -- even when you aren't purposely reciting it.

sharing rituals or habits, like watching a t.v. show together or making sure you've got biscuits and ginger ale in the fridge to share while a movie plays -- because when you see the show and he isn't around, or when you see said items at the supermarket, your eyes will involuntarily water. to stop it, you'll have to hate the things you once shared. that's not good because you'll end up missing out on good shows and good food.

fighting for a hug. if he no longer wants to give you one, let him be.

meaningless sex to fill the void. the only hole that will be filled this way will cause you more pain than you started out with. think about it.

saying his name.

looking at old photos or emails.

blaming yourself.

replaying scenes to see if there was something else you could have done. you did what you did because that's all you knew. you live, you learn, you grow.

memorizing those times he'd laugh hysterically.

begging for forgiveness. if you have to ask for it more than once, then you aren't enough.

staring into space.

wondering if he wants you back. if he isn't calling, he doesn't want you back.

staying home from work and lying in bed the whole day. your mind will repeat itself and you'll go nuts for sure. take a day to recuperate if need be. do not take three.

waiting at his train station to see if by chance you'll catch him.

regretting.

closing the door completely.

to vent...

Let's face it:

I've got more rage in me than I've ever had
and even if I pray for peace
not a thing can set me free
from the fire inside
and the pain that burns

But I'll let it go
digress a bit
from the sorrow around
because
hello!
I've got a life to live too,
right?

And as you walk and smile
remember me
and as I walk and smile
I'll curse thee

The Labyrinth

You know,
I wish we were born
with a leaf of paper folded neatly in our hand
-- on it
the name and address of the person we’re meant to be with.
That would make the search a lot easier.
That would take away all the pain and struggle.

Day seven.

No one is perfect
and it sucks to have a paradox control our love.

“I can’t breathe without you and I can’t breathe with you,”
you said
and I heard you for the first time.

It really is true:
at least I got to experience a beautiful thing.

Like for instance
your tears
that came
that first time
you said “don’t leave me.”
That stuck
ever since.

Everyday
I go back to it.
Sometimes, it makes me smile
-- I was that wanted.
Sometimes, it makes me sad
-- you were that repentant.

I find myself pushing forth,
taking complicated steps,
feeling like I’ve lost a thumb or limb—
you were that necessary.

Anyway,
I’ll wait it out.
See what transpires these next few weeks.
Will I laugh?
No.
Will I eat?
No.
Will I try?
No.
But I’ll wait
though,
a little optimistically,
and hope.

Day six.

It's been the hardest day so far.

I had the whole day
to myself
free to think
even though I tried hard not to.

Did laundry
and realized in shock
your tee going 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round
in the dryer
gathered with my stuff.

I didn't know. I didn't know.

Day five.

I made myself leave you alone today
when all I wanted was to call and say come back.
I abandoned the phone
and listened to this repeatedly.

Day four.

I escape my little room
to ignore the commotion going on inside me.

I leave
and promise myself to let you be.

I settle my sore head
let the spirit rise in my heart
even though it burns

I drink up
laugh with a friend.

Day three.

My mind keeps replaying little moments.

Each time, I see
what I should have done differently.

Day two.

What to do, what to do?

Focus on the bad days
because the anger will help me through.

Day one.

Give a little, get a lot.

I tossed and turned
and soaked my pillow while in bed this morning
I didn't want to wake up and face the sun.

To the Straight Boy I Love(d) II, or A Walk in June

The rain tonight is dreadful
and it soaks my t-shirt madly
my nipples roar, hardened
by the wetness and coolness of the falling water
I stroll along some avenue, pissed by luscious grapes
thinking clouds form my foundation and wings provide steadiness
Summer shyly lingers
not quite prepared but present still behind the rain
the warm faint wind brushes my hair
and tickles my nose
laughing bugs, the occasional screeching of tires, and street lights provide reality
I sing, drenched by God
soaked inside by wine
disrupted by the corrupted ways of love
while you travel the depths of some female beauty
deaf to my song
deaf to my sounds
my rhythms make the earth tremble
but yet you feel only the vibrations of her throbbing lips

my lips, meanwhile, cry unbeknownst to you

To the Straight Boy I Love(d) I

You're the straight thing I can't commit to
not because I won't
or shouldn't
but because you're too scared

That face, I swear
I'd love to hump it
embrace it between my thighs somehow
and let your lips just press up on me
would you ever honor my request for playing?
We won't tell her a thing
even if I see her two hours later
and call her my favorite chum
I'll offer her gum
and we'll chew like nothing's wrong
She'll mention you
and I'll ask, "Who?"
She'll remind me again
and I'll pretend
I'll pretend.

R.I.P.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me
and then you weren't.