My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Inside me there's music all the time."

Joe - Alabama Shakes
She Used to Be Mine - Sara Bareilles
Coffee - Miguel
White Iverson - Post Malone
Gold - Kiiara
Try Me - DeJ Loaf
Morning Sun - Robin Thicke
Ease - Troye Sivan (w/ Broods)
Til it Happens to You - Lady Gaga
2Shy - Shura
Sorry - Justin Bieber
Bite the Bullet - Melanie Fiona
Here - Alessia Cara
Bit Too Shy - Sevana
Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole - Martha Wainwright
Ahora Que Te Vas - India

Ricardo

Let's let the music play
while you
tongue-fuck me after a drunken binge
devour my pink middle
cry because it tastes so fucking delicious
and you can't believe it
oh, yes it do 
it do 
it do—
and you don't have to wear your sunglasses at night anymore
see me?
see everything
don't be shy and awkward
the best part of me is already yours
let me take your hand and show you
you powerful leader, I'll lead you

Grow Up

You exist with your borrowed high energy
sloppy face
requesting booty
and a temporary place
your life is lost
so you go on with the help of strangers
and a clueless lover who sticks around because he knows no better
he's no better
side bars, side dicks
here, there, everywhere
you're like a little kid hopscotching and swinging all over the park
doesn't the playground get crowded and boring?
i won't play with you
i'm already gone with daddy

Whore

Let's get high on pot and poppers
kiss me in the middle while I'm on all fours
tell me it's delicious, tell me you need more and more
let's make up for all the times we tried but couldn't
the times I wouldn't take it,
and you were lousy
let's give it one more shot
I'm so much more open than before
and you'll love it because everyone does now

Stuck

I’ve got an ex who’s managed to wiggle himself inside so many men
some have been inside him too
every guy I meet knows him
and I always manage to find out later on—
there’s his big fat fucking face
smiley and squint-eyed
on their dashboard, their feed, their followers list
the world’s too small
New York’s really tiny
or he’s just a great big whore
I cringe
I cringe like a melting witch
God damn it, will he fucking disappear already?
Why is he still here,
everywhere?
I believe in signs; I pray to them, in fact
but, I don’t get this one
what’s the meaning behind seeing the wicked man you once loved everywhere you go,
in people you think will set you free, give you peace...
have all the arms in this city hugged him too!?
I can't help but wonder: is it some spirit thing,
some twisted subconscious thing
making me seek the ones he’s already devoured
because I miss him devouring me?
Maybe I’m attracted to them all because I sense him in them too
I mean,
I can still smell him to this day

I'd Rather Go Blind

If I were Ursula, I'd probably steal a voice
you'd hear me loud and clear

"Who's that boy singin'!"
they'd all go,
hand to their chests
like a heart attack's on the horizon
feelin' my words, feelin' my soul, feelin' my self—
the pain, the love, the truth—
all up inside them bodies
they'd listen
finally
and everything coming out of me would make them see me

It'd be beautiful
and it's a pity we can't choose our talents
or give up some other human thing
for another
'cause, I'd rather go blind...

Take my eyes, good God, and give me a voice

Don't Look At Me

"Look at me when I tell you I love you," you say
but I can't
because I'm scared you'll change your mind if you see the real me
the eyes reveal everything

Like how insecure I am about life,
myself,
and what I have to give

"You're too good for me," I say, my stare focused on the floor

then you lift my head up by the chin
and scream:

"I want to kill the man that killed the man you used to be. He has ruined everything."

Stupid Things

I just saw a photo of my ex and his boyfriend
and now I can't help but wonder:
why do the assholes always win?
It pains me to compare－
to be the man who suddenly thinks: but, why not me?
Still, the question is there,
painted right on my fat red face
for all the world to see
I don't get any of it
and he doesn't deserve all the love he gets.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"I don't have to speak if there are songs that speak for me."

Promises - Ryn Weaver
Waves - Sleeper Agent
Geronimo - Sheppard
My Gun - Tove Lo
How I Want Ya - Thames w/ Dev
Didn't Know - Digital Farm Animals w/ Yasmin
I'm a Ruin - Marina and the Diamonds
#HoodLove - Jazmine Sullivan
Entropy - Grimes w/ Bleachers
Riptide - Vince Joy
Wrong Club (Radio Edit) - The Ting Tings
Share the World - Spzrkt
Springtime - Remy Shand

Sing

I can't sing but I do
Don't know any other way to let you know everythin'
So listen—
for a little bit
'fore I die soon.

"I think the only way to tell you who I am these days is to sing a song." 
Nina Simone

Before & After

I never liked the man I was when you were around
I wasn't always happy; I used to get so angry
I was never really me and I'm sorry about all that

It's not enough to apologize for this,
to spit this out here and confess it to whoever is reading
because no matter how much I tried
I didn't do my best
and I hurt the both us because of it

But you see, you never made it easy
I always managed to let you get to me,
to let your ridiculous philosophies affect me
like a gnat flying in my face
or an angry truck driver and his road rage
you pestered
and bickered
and let me know time and time again
my love was never-ever enough

I used to think I needed you
that's the only reason why I put up with you
everyone else would tell me: "he means well"
Because you're a good guy on paper
"give him a chance," they'd go
but they didn't know:
there's more to you than meets the eye
and you're alone—
friendless and unloved—for a very obvious reason
I will never-ever forget that.

Please Don't Go

O, Lord, what kind of fountain is the Fountain of Love
of which I have tasted but a drop and wept a river.

Death is a motherfucker.

Right?

There's a reason for everything

Supposedly

But I wonder if that's true

Who came up with this so-called saying?

I need to know

'cause there are things happening, 

challenges I'm facing

and I'm wondering what the reason behind all this is

I can't make it out

What's the point

and purpose?

Is there even one?

When I die and I meet the maker, He better have a fat binder full of my life experiences

And there better be a list of reasons for why each happened 

I want answers 

Because life can't happen for no reason

The Pain Stays

I can't fix what's broken
and this downward spiral won't suddenly relax,
unclog,
or change
I am who I am now

I can't erase what's happened
and the blocks I've built won't come down no matter what
I am forever changed
I can't flush the wounds and pain away

Dos

You pretend you're an angel, but you'll never have wings
Always stranded with your broken dreams
Your limp is telling－
that defeated gait, those miserable eyes:
I can see through all your lies
I'm more of a witch than you'll ever be
I see everything.
That blithe heart is filled with holes
no-frills, imitation
Fooling everyone is your ultimate goal
But I rise,
'cause I have weapons to rebuke your corrupted soul

I Am Vile

I am a terrible person
because I didn't see you
the hundreds of times you tried
I am vile,
pure filth
I am nothing
because I didn't commit

When I had to care for three babies
I should've made time for you
When I had to nurse the sick back to health
I shouldn't have let it interfere with anything in your life
Because your needs were supposed to come first
And it didn't matter at all if all the world happened to fall
I should've been at your door before your call

Invincible

I'd be dead if I were deaf.  The voice inside would get too loud.  I'd drown. Imagine? Where would I be if I couldn't hear people sing? I keep listening to Kelly Clarkson's "Invincible" today.  Music saves. This song is helping some. I don't want to kill myself today. I don't feel afraid anymore. I listen with the stereo on loud. The neighbors are away so it's all OK.

Happy tears today.
Happy tears for life now.

Like Water

The tears are flowing like water today
I see her
I feel her
I close my eyes and she's still here
I open them and she goes
Grandma, come back
Stay a while now
I need you now
Don't leave now

So Cold

It's fitting
These snowstorms this winter make so much sense
This intense cold weather mocks me:
I'm an Ice Queen these days.

I can't see straight anymore
I'm blowing about here and there
I want to jump off buildings
Drown myself in a frozen lake
Something, anything
To get rid of me

I want to scream at the world
Throw stones at fools
Why won't everyone just let me be?
I'm crazy.

Life's different
I will never be the same again
I lost my smile,
my touch,
my heart's buried now

Grandma

I can't shake these shakes
my legs are all over the place
I'm so nervous all day
everywhere I rest, there are little earthquakes
I'm asleep inside but I'm awake
I can't breathe OK

I miss you.

RIP

And, just like that,
I have another angel watching over me.

Stay Alive

I sit here tonight
watching my grandmother
as she sleeps, snores, struggles to breathe
inside her heart is dying
and every other organ is slowly following because of it
I stare at her
so strong, so sweet, so beautiful
tears run down my face
I pray, I wish, I hope, I plead
for miracles and good health
I don't know anyone who deserves it more than she

Perfume

I miss you
so, to make like you are here
I thought it'd be sweet
if I doused myself in your favorite scent
I stole it
last time you asked me over
But now I smell like a broken heart
because you're not here
holding me beneath these thick blankets
This whiff is irritating
and I can't help but wish I had a match now
to light myself on fire
your perfume, my gasoline
What was I thinking?

Alexander II

Let's go to Stonewall again,
play pool,
and skirt around all that sexual tension that keeps us from effectively communicating—
because maybe,
just maybe
there can be peace between us finally

Stand there,
smirk and pout like you do with that beautiful mouth
while I dance around the great green felt
contemplating my next move
watch me forget my balls and
help you sink all your stripes
just to prove my point

I want to take care of you

Can You Guess Who?

Of all my exes,
there's 1 I'd take back,
1 I'd still fuck,
and 1 I'd like to shoot right in the middle of the face