Ex-Boyfriend, or P.I.G.

In the new year, I won't let him treat me like shit
I won't allow him to use my struggles against me
The past is done
I don't live there anymore
and he can't punish me
when I tried everything
He can continue to immortalize my former complications all he wants
But I'm not going to care anymore

So, I leave this past year behind:
all the tears, the yearning, the exhausting torture dealing with his ways
and I'll see it off to a faraway place where memories go to die
making sure to leave room for him to tag along

See ya.

Reefer Madness

We listened to freestyle music from, like, the 80s.  He sparked a roach, looked into my eyes, and whispered behind a dull cloud: I'm going to blow smoke up your butt tonight.

And I gagged—
like a giddy trans girl,
I gagged.

Get Out

If I replace "London" with "New York"
and think of sunlight and midnight breeze
will I end up in Puerto Rico and feel better?

I want to be there,
not here.

Brick

I thought you'd be here for me
I keep turning to see if maybe your shadow will appear
but I don't see anything
Can't you hear me screaming?
You're a deaf man to everything

Oh, to be like you—
the way you forget the good times
and remember just the days when things didn't go your way
If only I could be so cold!
Maybe then this shock wouldn't exist—
this shock that runs through me
all electric and burning...
You said you'd always be here
but you're so far gone

Hate me for all the wrong reasons,
that's ok
I just hope this wondrous wall you've built to guard your every emotion keeps your cold heart warm at night

Embarrassing

Sometimes at night,
when it's cold out and so dark it looks like I'm underwater,
I get this stupid urge to do something reckless,
like email you a love song
or text you senseless things

Liar

You said you'd never give up on me
when I said I wasn't ready
but where are you,
now that I am?
You couldn't even wait!
So, there you go
feeding your love to someone else
and here I am
realizing
you are just like the rest...
with all those promises,
the endless declarations—
"You're the one for me!"
you'd scream
but all along it wasn't really about me
it was all about you
and your needs,
your drastic urge to have someone belong to you
and care for you
someone—anyone!—
to fill your void
and when I couldn't rush to such commitments,
you moved so very quickly to the next.

Meet and Greet

He shook my hand with a gentle force—
like he'd be in charge if we were together—
and his sweaty palm moved me
His brown, moist skin tickled those special pressure points
and, oh, how beautiful his hand looked as I held it in mine!
I guess I should have wiped myself clean after
No one likes a sweaty palm, right?
But I couldn't
I didn't want to lose such a personal thing
Something that came from within him
So, instead, I made a fist,
held that mist inside
and prayed—
his sweat my holy water—
for more opportunities to be touched by him
and his brave wet hand.

On Dating

I am too in tune with my feelings and it's always a shock—a disappointment, even—whenever I meet someone who isn't. Why can't we all ever be on the same page?

Opposites Don't Really Attract

I guess you found me intolerable
which isn't too surprising considering how much time I spend despising myself, too
I'm a lot to handle:
my heart on my sleeve,
emotions running free...
But in the grand scheme of things, doesn't this make it easier to be with me?
You know what you get when you get me
There are no secrets
No mixed signals
and if you ever need to know, chances are I've already told you

You don't seem capable to do it like I do
I let it all hang out—
never afraid to do so
but not you.

Tough Love

Evolution of a Lonelyheart

At first, I spent the beginning of the day despising myself as I reread my blog posts of the last few days. I was embarrassed by my audacity. How could I lead myself on, admit such things that are, with all due respect, fucking stupid?

I remembered, though, writing is therapeutic. Writing helps me understand what I'm going through. It helps me see what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. It's the best way to put everything in perspective, especially because I'm not a talker and there's no other outlet for me to release other than this.

So, my shame quickly vanished once I remembered: "confession is good for the soul." Though temporary, my posts were about real feelings. Real and normal feelings even if somewhat shameful. I am ashamed I wasted time missing a man who isn't worth missing and writing about him too many times. I wasted precious days. But, again, that's OK. It happens and we learn from the things we go through. At least we should learn anyway and at least this time I have.

Sometimes we feel the strangest things. But these don't always last a lifetime and thank God! I missed someone for a few days but that's because I felt lonely. Loneliness is a tricky feeling. I'm over him. I've been over him for years now. He doesn't move me anymore. So, I didn't really miss him-him. You see, I missed him the human, the human I was always so comfortable around. But I didn't miss the person, the man I fell out of love with so long ago. In my vulnerability—dealing with surgery, singleness, that distracting and overwhelming need to feel arms around me holding me, caring for me like a little baby boy—my judgement was clouded and impaired. I was confused, really. I guess needy, too—and neediness is a cataract. It will blind you and make you think the foulest things.

I am better than this. I know better than this. I can laugh this off now and I thank the heavens because I almost got swept away again. I truly almost confused myself into believing I had real feelings for him again. But it was mostly loneliness and, who knows, maybe a tinge of horniness? Masturbation saves.

Wake Up!

I woke up this morning
and now I understand
what it's like to be a stupid man
All these love notes for what?
He's got a blind eye
and a heart dedicated to someone else
He doesn't want you, Edwin!
So, move on
let it go
and get a fucking grip

Pretending

I feel like Morello, dreaming up this love that isn't there. I'm trapped in my own prison and I keep thinking you're outside waiting for me once I recoup from this incarceration, this mental instability. I tell myself all the time you are mine. I comfort my growing emotions, my loneliness, my eager desperation with thoughts about us and the time we'll spend once I'm free. You're waiting for me. I tell myself these things. I dance around in my room, making playlists in my head of songs we'll listen to when we make love, drive from a date, clean the house together, and get married. But what am I thinking? You don't even come to visit. I look out the window from time to time and you're never there. There are always birds, though. And I tell them, with crying eyes, "please, please, please tell him I'm waiting."

I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy.

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"There's no life without music."

Make It Look Good - Mariah Carey
Do It Again - Röyksopp & Robyn
Leave Your Lover - Sam Smith
Dumb - Jazmine Sullivan
I Will Never Let You Down - Rita Ora
Close Your Eyes - Lily Allen
Jerk Ribs - Kelis
Latch - Disclosure (w/ Sam Smith)
You're Not the One - Sky Ferreira
Rather Be - Clean Bandit (w/ Jess Glynne)
Sleeping with a Friend - Neon Trees
The Breakdown - Prince
Am I Wrong - Nico & Vinz
Gold Mine - Breanne Düren

The Reminder

I write to let go
I act out here
I'm the simplest man
with hardly an ounce of bravado in real life
so don't be alarmed
don't take this all at face value
this is just a place to release
this is my home
where I let my thoughts run freely
and I may not always mean what I write after I've written
and some of these things here may just be temporary feelings

My Stress

Well, what am I supposed to do—
just say no
when I want to?
I had him first!
I taught him everything there is to know
About love
And dedication
He didn’t even think himself worthy of adoration
Until I came along
And praised his every way
I have rights
In the court of love
I have fucking rights!

And you
with your perfect job
And perfect home
Your perfect smile
And perfect nose
Your perfect skin
And perfect hair
Your perfect attitude
And perfect stare
You won’t have to worry a goddamn minute
He’ll go home to you
And you’ll get everything that comes at night:
A warm shower together,
cozy cuddles,
Some I love you’s
And other sweet mentions
And I’ll be left to fend for myself
Recite lines to justify my life
Like:
I myself am made entirely of flaws,
stitched together with good intentions

Walking Dead

What if we're the dead ones and all those unmoving people dressed in beautiful dresses and suits locked in boxes and buried under cold dirt are the ones alive?  I don't feel anything inside. The heart beats irregularly.  I stop to grasp for air.  My brain keeps telling lies. They're all out to get me I have realized. Or, have I been tricked to despise?  I hate you everybody but only 'cause you all make me love you too much. Crazy's come knocking and I can't hide from her clutch.

Bare

When you crawl in bed with someone, is sex ever safe? What about the unprotected thoughts and emotions? There's no condom large enough to protect us from those diseases affecting the heart and mind—diseases like heartbreak, loneliness, and that ever-popular one...desperation.

Lennon Said

Ex-boyfriend, Or The Dog

It was the doggy eyes that did me in this time
when we reconnected for conversation
and I’m surprised
because I thought I knew better
because I know you

And the trick was to make you want it all
all over again
and keep myself from giving in
make you sorry and obsessed
But instead,
I was the one who wanted to hold your hand
for, like, longer than ever
and I was the one who was a mess
for, like, always and always

How do you do it—
because it’s all blowing up in my face now,
which serves me right
because love is a losing game
when you fool with it like so

I want to touch you
but I have to stay away,
get off the merry-go-round
before you bite
much harder this time
and I catch something all over again

My Radio: What I'm Listening To

"Let the music take over."

How Are You Doing? - The Living Sisters

Cannonball - Lea Michele

Into the Blue - Kylie Minogue

Know Who You Are - Pharrell Williams (w/ Alicia Keys)
The Look - Metronomy

Simplethings - Miguel

Waves - Electric Guest

Wings - Haerts

Somebody Loves You - Betty Who

Stuck - Caro Emerald

No Rest For the Wicked - Lykke Li

Chandelier - Sia

Feels Like Coming Home - Jetta

Cheating - John Newman

Empire - Shakira

Little Devil - Campa

Cardiac Arrest - Bad Suns

So F*kt Up  - Avan Lava

Baby it's You - Smith

Conduct

I’m not proud of myself
Especially lately
I keep putting things behind
Stalling
Ignoring time
There’s so much to get done!
If I were my own father I’d slap me silly
That’s the thing to do
Because I’m a bit of a disgrace
Of late
and there are ways I ought to behave
That I’ve forgotten about
Don’t I know better?
I think it’s time to take a step back
Re-evaluate everything
Or certain things
The neglected and misrepresented things
It’s time to act differently

Shorty

Why is validation from everyone else so important?
Maybe it's because I'm not strong enough to validate myself
Or is it really conceit?
No
It can't be
I don't seek validation because I think I deserve it
Still, I bet the half of you think I love myself more than I should
Maybe I come off as stick-up-the-ass, high and mighty
But I’m not
I’m really not
This isn’t to say that I could never be that way, though
If I could buy this kind of attitude,
I'd do it now
In a minute
Because let’s face it:
Who wouldn’t give away an organ, some years of his life, a first born even
In exchange for enough confidence to stand up tough and tall.

Goodbye (For Real This Time)

I saved his texts to remind myself he’s an asshole
Just in case I forget
Because shit happens
And the mind is a delicate thing
Especially when we’re in need
Of someone between the thighs
Or inside
You know?

Are You There God? It's Me, Edwin.

I don’t think you like me
I mean, I guess you do but not as much as I’d like you to
You’re so hard on me
Like I’m Lucifer himself
Maybe I’ve got his blood running through me
Is he a distant relative?
It’s not my fault if he is
Don’t make me pay for his mistakes

Why is it all a constant fight?
I just want to breathe like a normal man
Wake up
Feel pretty inside and out
Trust you with every ounce
Have faith without a doubt
What’s wrong with you up there?
What’s happening?
Why can’t you see that I deserve these things?
You disappoint me.

I can’t understand the trials you put me through
I don’t get any of them
What’s the lesson in pitting a simple man against himself?
You are love, supposedly
Where’s the love then?
Don’t you forget about me.

The Oscars

The Oscars are here! This year is probably the tightest race ever.  While there are clear frontrunners in all of the major categories, there are a few nominees worthy of upsetting.  After a lengthy awards season, tonight we finally find out who takes home the coveted Academy Award.  Here are my choices for 5 of the many categories that will finally be announced tonight.  (FYI: Yes, sometimes I have more than one choice for a category. It's hard to choose just one!)

Best Picture
Gravity
This is a two way race, in spite of the other nominees.  Expected to win in this category tonight is Gravity or 12 Years a Slave.  I liked Gravity a lot and while 12 Years a Slave is an important film and a necessary film, it isn't the best film in this category.  It's too long for me and I did get bored a little towards the middle of it.  The last half hour is incredible, though.  Those final moments make up for everything I don't like about the movie and if it wins tonight who could argue with that?  Still, Gravity is it for me.

Best Actress 
Sandra Bullock - Gravity
Cate Blanchett - Blue Jasmine
These two are the clear frontrunners and I am rooting for a tie.   Is that even possible?  I don't know.  They both deserve it.  I have seen Blue Jasmine about 15 times already－and that's not hyperbole.  I'm addicted to it and I love it.  Cate Blanchett's performance as a financially strapped, mentally broken-down socialite is pitch perfect in every way.  From her manic mannerisms to her cold stares into space and her wacky monologues, it's the performance of a lifetime. Every time I've watched her in this movie, I have been in complete awe. It's the kind of performance aspiring actors should study.  This is why she deserves to win.  However, there's Sandra Bullock fighting to edge her out as the final victor tonight.  In Gravity, Ms. Bullock manages to carry the entire film all on her own.  There isn't a single moment of boredom in this one-woman, edge-of-your-seat thriller about an astronaut stranded in space.

Best Actor 
Matthew McConaughey - Dallas Buyers Club
Chiwetel Ejiofor - 12 Years a Slave
This is another category where two winners would make more sense than just one.  It takes a great actor to take on a role completely unlike anything they've ever done.  It's unexpected, it shows the actor's range, and there is always something to be said about the actor who is brave enough to take risks.  In Dallas Buyers Club, one cannot help but forget it's the Matthew McConaughey before us as an HIV infected rodeo cowboy given just 30 days to live.  Matthew McConaughey is known for his burly physique but he is almost unrecognizable here. No other actor in this category has gone through such a transformation.  Chiwetel Ejiofor is a force in his movie so a win for him would make much sense.  It really is a toss up between these two.  Chiwetel made me cry, Matthew made it hard for me to forget.  My choice, in the end is Matthew.

Best Supporting Actress
Lupita N'yongo - 12 Years a Slave
Sally Hawkins - Blue Jasmine
Honestly, everyone nominated here deserves it.  I was most-affected by these two.  Of course, Lupita's got a slighter edge because she's gotten every other award leading up to the Oscars and, frankly, her performance packs a punch.  But Sally Hawkins is a doll as sister to the unraveling Jasmine in Blue Jasmine.  Lupita N'yongo is my sentimental favorite but I would love to see Sally Hawkins win.

Best Supporting Actor
Jared Leto - Dallas Buyers Club
That scene when he's in bed in obvious bad shape and his friend urges him to get to the hospital, he cries "I don't wanna die." That nailed it for me.  There were goosebumps all over my body.  For me, the most impactful performance deserves to win.  Rayon is still with me today. This one has that epic edge and I hope Jared Leto wins for it tonight.

Best Original Song
Happy - Pharrell Williams
This is usually the wackiest Oscar category.  The winner is almost never the most popular song or the most deserving.  I don't love any of the songs as much as I love this one.  

Freud or Fraud

You can go ahead
and tell your friends
all the things you think I did
and the things you think you know about me
with your pretend degree
in psychology
apparently
Let them have your one-sided story

Classified

In search of openly gay, intelligent, god-fearing, and lovable editor
to sit inside my head
for a bit
and help me sort out these jumbled thoughts
these confounding ideas keeping me
from being me
crisscrossing inside this skull like rabid jumping jacks on the fourth of July
I'm not crazy but I swear I am!
He must be brave
with pecs to boot
intimidate the doubts echoing inside
sift through the icky things
make something of everything
because I am done
I have tried
and I can't help but think I should have just died
that time I almost did