Teenage Love Affair

Stop Loss

However many times and ways I push you away, please don’t go.

When You Need a Star

"I wonder if it's possible
to have a love affair
that lasts forever."

Andy Warhol


Although, I may come off as extremely pessimistic to some, I’m more realistic than anything else. I’m optimistic to a point. I hope this isn’t all too confusing.

Here’s the thing:

What destroyed me six years ago, has made me who I am today. This isn’t a good thing, I do realize that. However, no matter how much I try or how many times I seek to be hypnotized, I am always reminded by that one fateful night.

It was late. Near midnight and the sky was so empty. Not a star or a moon at all. I mean, I’m sure they were there somewhere. I just couldn’t find them for the life of me. And believe me, I looked! I searched like mad for a single star to wish upon. Barefoot, in my little boxers and T, I was cold but I kept that window open as I looked for a fucking star.

In between those hours I spent looking out the window, I dialed my boyfriend's number. I dialed and dialed and dialed. Each time, I got his voicemail. He was supposed to call me! It was late and I was used to his phone calls to wish me goodnight. It helped me fall fast asleep, knowing that as I lay down there was a human somewhere in this world loving me profusely.

I spent the early morning hours awake and anxious. Kept dialing. Kept searching. Kept sending pointless wishes to an empty sky. And finally, when a voice did sound after the hundredth call, it wasn’t him. It was someone else. Some other man. Some other fool who probably got to taste what belonged to me.

Days later, Carlos never admitted to cheating. He had simply lost his phone at a gay bar and some asshole had picked it up. I still left him though. I left because he said he would be working late. Instead, he was out dancing and boozing it up with easy fags. One lie and so I ran.

Ever since then, no love has ever been easy.

Possession

it is true you rocked my life
and that i can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard i try
even now, many years later, I still remember every inch of your face
every curve and bump and bone
that brown flesh --
i remember it precisely and that burns me
it isn't fun having you haunt me everyday
i still dream about you
and to me that’s so sick
i still sit and wonder what it is you're doing and who you're doing it with
still wonder if i am ever thought of
or missed or desired
still wonder if someone else gets to hold your hand at the theater or kiss your back as you lie asleep
my spot was taken you see
and i am still not over that

i once learned if you divide the time you were coupled with someone by two,
you’ll come up with the amount of time it’ll take to get over that person
that’s a total lie though
because it seems the amount of time we spent together has been multiplied by a hundred
you’re still here
in this head
many years later

i can go out
have a drink or six
meet new people
have nights of meaningless passion
be worshiped
get high
write write write
try every which way i can to delete your name from my back
but it won’t go away
no amount of scrubbing
or pulling
or peeling can get you away from my life

and i’m not sure what to do now

it is already passed the time for me to move on
but what you’ve done to me
my dear friend and ex lover
won’t let me be

s.o.s (save other ships)

it's been raining ever since you left
luckily, i know how to swim